AIBU please be honest I can take it and need to know.

[2021isnotgoingwell]

I need to know if I am being unreasonable with my DP.
( I have 3DC )
My daughter fell ill and had suspected meningitis was my sister I looking after the other 2.
DD was rushed in, and I called DP who was at work at the time.
I explained what had happened and I was clearly very upset.
Anyway he told me he was going to get some sleep after shift this was about 11pm
He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text.
I haven’t had any sleep in 36 hours.
Anyway he then after he could tell I was upset said that I am his piority but that his sibling has covid and he rang last night in bad way ( sibling is happily married ) that he was assessed by 111 and paramedic and was well enough to stay home ( 28 no health needs and they said he breathing was v stable ) . So I was focusing on him last night. I then decided to catch up on some sleep during the day as had a day off work and woke up at 5pm when I messaged to check on you.

He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares.
That I am ( our family ) his priority.

Am I really so in the wrong ?

Where did this bollocks of 'well, no-one feels the same visceral response with a step-child' nonsense come from? I had a completely visceral response when my sister's child was rushed to hospital - and also when a friend's child that I know well broke his leg. In both cases it was 'OMG no, are they ok? What can I do? What do you need? Call me any time'. I would imagine this would be most people's response when it concerns a child they know well, let alone for a step-child.

You didn't know he was lacking in empathy and care for you and your child until this. You now have that knowledge. Use the knowledge wisely - not in an attempt to change him (you will fail), but in deciding if this is something you can live with.

I think you and all your children are worth more.

I hope your daughter continues to make progress, OP.

I think you cannot ever rely on this man again.
In that case, do you still want him in your life / your children's lives?.

Those questions can be sorted in a few days when you are out of the immediate eye of the storm re Dd and medical issues.

I am sorry you are going through this and send every good wish x

I hope your Daughter's on the mend this morning OP.

Your 'D'P sounds like a selfish wanker. At the very, very least, why didn't he go round first thing in the morning to collect the other two DC (one of which is his!) from your sister? I can only excuse him for not doing this immediately because he finished work at 11pm when they were presumably asleep, He had the day off, he couldn't be of any practical help to his Brother, so he just went back to sleep?!?!? Has he even collected them yet??

PPs are right, your DD may not be his child, but god forbid a friend were in your position I'd still show concern, check in with them, be ready to offer childcare for other DCs or anything they needed. Anyone with any compassion would. Doesn't sound like he's done a lick of that.

I'm not jumping straight to LTB but I think once your DD is well and home you need to have serious words about his actions over the past 24 hours. Best wishes to you xx

*Except that he has said he wants to adopt her. And where was his interest for his own child? They were with the OP's sister and he wasn't concerned about them either.

This man is a shit.*

As I said in my previous comment, there are a lot of unanswered questions and dubious statements in the OP.

I don't understand the set up and why he wasn't responsible for their joint child at the time. Perhaps OP could clarify that.

As to the other part, OP says herself she is tired and emotionally frazzled right now. It's hard to deduce how keen he was on adopting previously or if it was OP driving the "loves her like his own" narrative (which does happen a lot). Equally the harmony in the family might have dissipated over time for whatever reason, or he may have simply been overcome with fear for his sibling and be just finding out now how much he loves the two, comparatively.

As well as that, he did speak to her when she first rang and it's really not clear how supportive he was at that point. Being supportive that evening, dealing with his own family emergency the next day and then messaging her when he got the chance does not seem wildly unreasonable to me. Emotionally dumping about his sibling/covid situation was insensitive but he may still have been supportive when she first rang and she is simply over sensitive to how much support he has offered due to her understandably fraught state. If when she rang to explain the situation he genuinely seemed unbothered, then yes he is a bastard.

I think those that are saying hold off from making any big decisions for now have it right. From what OP has described here, I think it is equally as likely she has turned the situation into something it wasn't as it is he is just a raging arsehole. She should give herself some time.

He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text
That's the part that is shocking. Surely the sibling was not up all night he was struggling with covid. Assume he means he was on the phone to him as clearly wouldn't have gone to see him.

So even if he fell asleep at 2am, he should have got up no later than 8 or 9am and called you right away.

Waiting for 5pm and only a text is utter crap. I suspect there's more to it than what he claims. Sorry!

@aSofaNearYou

*Except that he has said he wants to adopt her. And where was his interest for his own child? They were with the OP's sister and he wasn't concerned about them either.

This man is a shit.*

As I said in my previous comment, there are a lot of unanswered questions and dubious statements in the OP.

I don't understand the set up and why he wasn't responsible for their joint child at the time. Perhaps OP could clarify that.

As to the other part, OP says herself she is tired and emotionally frazzled right now. It's hard to deduce how keen he was on adopting previously or if it was OP driving the "loves her like his own" narrative (which does happen a lot). Equally the harmony in the family might have dissipated over time for whatever reason, or he may have simply been overcome with fear for his sibling and be just finding out now how much he loves the two, comparatively.

As well as that, he did speak to her when she first rang and it's really not clear how supportive he was at that point. Being supportive that evening, dealing with his own family emergency the next day and then messaging her when he got the chance does not seem wildly unreasonable to me. Emotionally dumping about his sibling/covid situation was insensitive but he may still have been supportive when she first rang and she is simply over sensitive to how much support he has offered due to her understandably fraught state. If when she rang to explain the situation he genuinely seemed unbothered, then yes he is a bastard.

I think those that are saying hold off from making any big decisions for now have it right. From what OP has described here, I think it is equally as likely she has turned the situation into something it wasn't as it is he is just a raging arsehole. She should give herself some time.

She has clarified - her sister was looking after their other child because dad was working.

She said this summary from another poster was what happened:

"You live together have been together 3 years and share one child..that child isnt in hospital but is with your sister due to your dp working whilst your other dd (not his biologically, but hes asked to adopt her) was rushed in to hospital with suspected meningitis.

So he got home from work was apparently more worried about his brother through the night and didnt even have time or think to message you about you and your dd. Then apparently slept all day and contacted you finally at 5pm?"

I really don't understand why people are finding this so complicated

@aSofaNearYou According to the OP he was worried about the family emergency that evening (fair enough) but as it was his day off 'caught up on sleep' the next day, until 5pm.

He can't have been that worried about his brother, never mind his step-child, or in fact his actual child, or the OP, if he managed to sleep all day instead of offering any kind of support whatsoever

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

So fine, act. At least the parent would feel better. And isn't he supposed to care for his partner's feelings too?

I would be worried sick if a friends child was in hospital with meningitis and would offer to drive over for support if I could. The bar for stepfathers is sickeningly low.

According to the OP he was worried about the family emergency that evening (fair enough) but as it was his day off 'caught up on sleep' the next day, until 5pm. He can't have been that worried about his brother, never mind his step-child, or in fact his actual child, or the OP, if he managed to sleep all day instead of offering any kind of support whatsoever

He must have got the phone call from his brother after 11pm when he finished speaking to OP so he may have got to bed very late following a late finish at work working to difficult phone calls, in those circumstances I could easily sleep through until at least early afternoon. He may have been awake for hours stressing, leading to him sleeping late, as well. He may not have meant to sleep in that late. I don't see why him sleeping late is considered proof he wasn't that bothered, it could easily be a result of how bothered he was.

And @Clymene it is confusing because OP has written in a scattered manner. The OP was also written like he could be the girl's father and when several people asked, OP kept saying "we have a child together", when in fact that wasn't the child in question. It reads to me like she is twisting things to fit her perspective, either for our benefit, or for her own. With that in mind, and given she doesn't actually say what he said to her when she rang, I do think it is quite possible she is blowing his lack of support out of proportion due to being upset.

That doesn't necessarily mean he has behaved perfectly fine, ideally he would have been there to offer support for his partner at a difficult time. But if he was genuinely very worried about his brother, as many people would be, and he did actually show some support during the first phone call with OP (unclear) then I don't think it is the hanging offence it's being made out to be. Some people are not emotionally strong enough to support others while they themselves are struggling with something they consider equally worrying.

If he was due to have his child and chose not to then he is of course being unreasonable regardless.

Taking the child out of it (as people are getting caught up in any differences between bio and step kids), he hasn't even acted like a decent partner or friend would do. If I'd had to take anyone to hospital, (even if it was a work colleague or friend) DP would be messaging the second he finished work to check how both I and the patient were doing and whether I needed any food or clothes dropped off. Very, very strange that this guy didn't.

How are you and your little one doing today OP??

Obviously we're different people @aSofaNearYou.

If I was extremely worried about one sick family member (never mind two) through the night then I'd struggle to sleep an hour once I knew people were awake and there might be updates or a need for me to help, never mind all the day through until 5pm.

I think you were absolutely right to ask him to leave. Good for you.

How are things now?

If I was extremely worried about one sick family member (never mind two) through the night then I'd struggle to sleep an hour once I knew people were awake and there might be updates or a need for me to help, never mind all the day through until 5pm.

I don't think many people are really that in control of whether or not they sleep. If you have a very long day and then are up very late, it's quite likely you'll be out for a while regardless of how worried you would be if you were awake. You wouldn't be aware what time it was whilst asleep.