Page 5 | AIBU please be honest I can take it and need to know.

2021isnotgoingwell · 2021-01-08T21:40:09+00:00

I need to know if I am being unreasonable with my DP. ( I have 3DC ) My daughter fell ill and had suspected meningitis was my sister I looking after the other 2. DD was rushed in, and I called DP who was at work at the time. I explained what had happened and I was clearly very upset. Anyway he told me he was going to get some sleep after shift this was about 11pm He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text. I haven’t had any sleep in 36 hours. Anyway he then after he could tell I was upset said that I am his piority but that his sibling has covid and he rang last night in bad way ( sibling is happily married ) that he was assessed by 111 and paramedic and was well enough to stay home ( 28 no health needs and they said he breathing was v stable ) . So I was focusing on him last night. I then decided to catch up on some sleep during the day as had a day off work and woke up at 5pm when I messaged to check on you. He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares. That I am ( our family ) his priority. Am I really so in the wrong ?

Sinful8 · 09/01/2021 00:41

How far apart where you all during this?

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/01/2021 00:45

I have asked him to leave but not sure if I’m being unreasonable because I’m so tired.

My advice would be to back off for a few days, don't make any hasty decisions. You're knackered and stressed, it's coming across very clearly in your posts that your head's all over the place.

I'm not saying he should be allowed to stay, I just don't think you're in any state to decide whether you want tea or coffee, let alone LTB or not.

Try to sleep, without letting what he's done keep you awake. Have something to eat and drink, find out what they think is going on with DD, take a while to get your head straight.

If you do decide to split, in the wider scheme of things whether it's tonight, in a week or in a fortnight doesn't really matter.

trackerc · 09/01/2021 00:51

So he was at work during emergency. You arranged emergency childcare for other child (you share) while you focused on being at the hospital with your DD.
His shift finished around that time at 11pm but chose to go to bed as his normal routine. He didn't support you at the hospital/split visits/bring you or DD anything.
I can't see that you've said that upon his waking he actually collected your shared child from your sisters. Did he?
No contact from him from 11pm to 5pm? While you're in the hospital & his other child in childcare?
Nobody prioritises their normal routine in a child's life endangering situation. Nobody goes to bed or sleep unless it's with the expressed intention to relieve you immediately upon a couple of hours kip, so you can share the childcare burden. A brother who doesn't live alone & rang 111 for advice is no way any comparison that should compete for his attention. No excuse. No care. No parenting. I'm sorry.
Hope you've slept & you get back to hug your DD tight. Don't bother to engage with him. Just concentrate on the kids right now. You're entitled to be as cold to him as he is with his family.

MsDogLady · 09/01/2021 00:56

His uncaring attitude and behavior are appalling.

This selfish man has shockingly devalued you and DD. He has proven that he is not truly committed. Honestly, my respect and trust would have instantly plummeted to zero. There is no way that I would be staying in this relationship.

OP, I’ll be thinking of you and precious DD.

Rosecottage888 · 09/01/2021 00:56

It would be a deal breaker for me to sorry, and we have one child together and one that is mine. I hope your daughter is ok and you have the suppers you need, albeit not from him x

MrDarcysMa · 09/01/2021 08:52

That would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry op hope your dd is ok x

MrDarcysMa · 09/01/2021 08:56

Also it's clearly a lie when he says you and the family are his priority, evidenced by the fact that he decided to go off for a nice sleep rather than finding out if dd made it through the night alive or not.

PugInTheHouse · 09/01/2021 09:03

Unreal,he should have been straight there to be with you or at the very least with the children at home. I dont think you are overreacting.

Nandakanda · 09/01/2021 09:18

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting.

Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him.

Seraphinesupport · 09/01/2021 09:39

Yanbu, his possible future adoptive daughter could have died/been dying whilst he was sleeping... To not even ask if you want him to stay awake and keep you company or to go to hospital if he was allowed ... But just to sleep and for that long as well.

I would have atleast put my alarm on for every 2 hours so I could send you a quick text asking how things were!!

Clymene · 09/01/2021 10:10

@Nandakanda

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting.

Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him.

Just as well most adoptive parents don't behave like that eh?

SimonJT · 09/01/2021 10:24

I can understand him leaving the other children with your sister as they would be asleep, but he should have collected them first thing the next morning.

I can understand him not calling, however he should have been in contact via text to give support and asking you to call him when convenient for you for an update and to see if you were okay, did you need any clothes dropping off etc.

My son broke his arm last year (valentines!), his cast removal was during the pandemic and I’m CV, because of this my partner arranged for him to take my son for his cast removal, x-ray etc as he was worried about me going on a bus and being in the hospital. He did this because hes not a selfish twat.

SimonJT · 09/01/2021 10:26

@Nandakanda

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting.

Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him.

If someone has to pretend to be concerned about a child potentially having meningitis they’re pretty heartless and they shouldn’t have chosen to become a step parent.

I just can’t imagine how someone would be so cold and unfeeling that they would have to pretend to care about a child they are raising.

wetasstenalady · 09/01/2021 10:32

Absolute wanker
How can he be so unconcerned about a child he views as his own? He's just shown you when the going gets tough he gets going

aSofaNearYou · 09/01/2021 10:39

Your post is a bit hard to understand and for me personally those details are making it hard to work out how unreasonable he was being.

First off, I'm sorry but it does change things that this isn't his child. You seem like you were trying to downplay that at the beginning of the thread and you are offended that he doesn't seem to "love her like his own". It is not unreasonable for him to not love her as his own and to perhaps be more attached to his sibling. It's unfair to expect him to love her more than his sibling. If my SS and sister were both seriously ill at the same time I would personally be much more worried about my sister, that's just the honest truth.

However, he obviously should have shown you some support as your partner.

You say he spoke to you (presumably supportively?) until 11pm, then went to sleep and messaged you at 5pm the next day. What sort of time do you think he would have got up and do you not think he might have been unexpectedly caught up on the phone to his family/sibling all day? Seems entirely plausible.

The bit that confuses me most is where you both were, though. You say you live together and have a child together, so where were you both and why wasn't he looking after the child that was his? That's the most potentially unacceptable part.

It's all a bit confusing but I don't think it's necessarily as grossly unreasonable as people are saying. It depends on a lot of specifics.

aSofaNearYou · 09/01/2021 10:41

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same. Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting. Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him. Just as well most adoptive parents don't behave like that eh?

Yes it is, because they have parental responsibility and it's a totally different situation.

Winterpaw · 09/01/2021 10:50

He was not there for you or your DD and I can't believe him when he says he was sleeping through the day. He is an unsupportive liar. Sorry OP it must be hard to hear this and I hoe your DD recovers soon.

Clymene · 09/01/2021 10:54

@aSofaNearYou

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same. Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting. Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him. Just as well most adoptive parents don't behave like that eh?

Yes it is, because they have parental responsibility and it's a totally different situation.

Except that he has said he wants to adopt her. And where was his interest for his own child? They were with the OP's sister and he wasn't concerned about them either.

This man is a shit.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 09/01/2021 11:00

I disagree that it makes any difference that she's his stepdaughter, even putting aside the whole love/adoption statement.

I've had stepchildren with an ex. I didn't love them like my own. I was fond of them. If they and my son had fallen in a river and I had to pick 1 to save from drowning, I'd pick my own son.

If my stepchild had been rushed to hospital with meningitis I'd have moved heaven and earth to get there to see how they were doing and support my partner. I'd be worried sick about them. Because although I dont love them like my own, they are a child in my life I care about, and I am not cold hearted.

Op, I hope she's recovering well. Don't rush into any decisions about your relationship until the crisis is over. It doesnt look great though.

cansu · 09/01/2021 11:20

YANBU
He has shown you how he really feels about your dd. If it had been his biological child, I can't imagine he would have been sleeping all day not knowing whether his child was OK. Unbelievable.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2021 11:25

@Nandakanda

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting.

Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him.

He was supposedly going to adopt her! Because he supposedly cared about her!

He also didn't check on his own child or the OP!

The OP should have had his love and support. She didn't get it. Nor did anyone else. He's a waste of space and emotion.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 09/01/2021 11:26

He's despicable. He couldn't give a toss about anyone but himself.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2021 11:27

@Nandakanda

Most people just don't viscerally care about step children in the same way as they would their own. Why can't people see this? They may care, quite deeply in some cases, but it's rarely going to be the same.

Many posters are saying he could at least have acted concerned, but it would have been just that - acting.

Was the daughter's real father alerted? It's far more likely you would have got the reaction you seek from him.

In fact, if that had been my friend's child I'd have shown more concern than he did over any of the children in the family.

Heartless, thoughtless git.

Palaver1 · 09/01/2021 11:27

His behaviour tells you how he feels you are not unreasonable and you are right to feel uncomfortable about his reaction .

stillhappytohelp · 09/01/2021 11:27

Anybody who can understand that he wasn’t concerned because it’s not his child - what’s wrong with you? If one of my distant friends messaged me to say their child who I’ve met a handful of times had been rushed to hospital I would be concerned. Yes, nowhere bloody near to how I’d feel if it was my own child. But still concerned enough to reach out the following morning and ask how they were.
Even if he cared less than he would about his own DC, he should still care!

OP he’s a dick. I hope your DC is on the mend and have a think about whether you really want this man in your life