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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU please be honest I can take it and need to know.

139 replies

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:40

I need to know if I am being unreasonable with my DP.
( I have 3DC )
My daughter fell ill and had suspected meningitis was my sister I looking after the other 2.
DD was rushed in, and I called DP who was at work at the time.
I explained what had happened and I was clearly very upset.
Anyway he told me he was going to get some sleep after shift this was about 11pm
He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text.
I haven’t had any sleep in 36 hours.
Anyway he then after he could tell I was upset said that I am his piority but that his sibling has covid and he rang last night in bad way ( sibling is happily married ) that he was assessed by 111 and paramedic and was well enough to stay home ( 28 no health needs and they said he breathing was v stable ) . So I was focusing on him last night. I then decided to catch up on some sleep during the day as had a day off work and woke up at 5pm when I messaged to check on you.

He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares.
That I am ( our family ) his priority.

Am I really so in the wrong ?

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 08/01/2021 22:20

You cannot depend on him, he's made his priorities clear. My ex did this multiple times with his own biological child, my mistake was not leaving him the first time.

kazzer2867 · 08/01/2021 22:25

@2021isnotgoingwell

No biologically not but a child who has asked to adopt and says he loves as his own he is now upset because I told Him that’s not how you would treat our DD also I’m hurt that it didn’t his mind that I may have needed support.

Sorry OP he doesn't sound like a loving partner to me. I would seriously be reconsidering any plans you may have for him to adopt your child. Hope your DD is ok.

FatCatThinCat · 08/01/2021 22:25

YANBU at all. He's let you down badly and shown you clearly that you and your daughter are not his priorities.

My DD was rushed to hospital in 2019 and was so poorly she spent 3 months there. My DH, her stepdad, dropped everything to be there as he was just as worried as I was. In the early days when we were scared as we didn't know whatwas wrong he took time off work annd only went back once she was stable. And she was 26 not a dependent child and had her partner there as well!

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 08/01/2021 22:27

How is your daughter? She is your priority right now. Try to rest if you can. I feel very upset on your behalf. You need to make it very clear that what has happened is not acceptable. I would leave him, or at least take a break for him for a while. It really is disgusting behaviour. There's absolutely no excuse for it at all. He needs to realise this. But, for now, don't add to the situation. Tell him you don't want him to contact you for a while because of his attitude. Everyone here is on your side. All reasonable people will be. Take some time to breathe. Ignore his messgaes. Don't engage with him. Did you try to ring him at all when he was asleep. It's no excuse, but so many men don't understand the urgency of things. I once asked my DP to meet me at the hospital to take me home after I surgery. He didn't come. I made my own way home. I was devestated. I still don't think he realises how bad that was. It's no excuse though. This is a child you're talking about. He needs to come to his senses.

Lougle · 08/01/2021 22:31

I'd love to know how 4% of people read this thread and concluded that the OP was unreasonable to want a bit of concern from her partner

Chel098 · 08/01/2021 22:31

In an emergency would you not call your partner first? Even if they had work?

Bottom line is. The majority of people love their own kids more than any step child.

Mrsmadevans · 08/01/2021 22:33

I think the voting speaks volumes Op l hope your Little girl is much better as for your Dp , words fail me .

Leeds2 · 08/01/2021 22:33

Did he have any explanation as to why he didn't speak to your sister to at least ask after/collect his biological child?
I can understand if he was upset about his bother having COVID, but that doesn't mean you completely forget about your children.

Inastatus · 08/01/2021 22:36

It’s clear this man does not love your DD as his own otherwise he would not have acted in this way. I would think carefully before committing to him.

couchparsnip · 08/01/2021 22:38

Is he always this uncaring about your DC? He would rather chat to his brother, who is a bit poorly but not critical enough to be rushed to hospital.
He didn't even think that he should be there for his own child who might be scared about their sister too?
He's selfish and you're better off without.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/01/2021 22:39

Fuck. That is ice cold. Doesn’t give a shit. His brother in his twenties comes first.

What he says about loving your DD as his own just isn’t true. We know what we do when someone we deeply love is in danger.

He had a lovely catch up snooze. OP YANBU. I couldn’t come back from that. Couldn’t see him in the same way again.

DenisetheMenace · 08/01/2021 22:39

I hope your daughter is recovering?
So sorry, but this would be a deal breaker for me.

schmockdown · 08/01/2021 22:42

@2021isnotgoingwell

No *@schmockdown* she isn’t his but has been apart if he life since she was a baby, tells me he loves her as his own. I have asked him to leave but not sure if I’m being unreasonable because I’m so tired.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When your child is better time to reassess the relationship

Cam2020 · 08/01/2021 22:43

OP, you really need to get some sleep, look after yourself and DD right now.

Your 'D' P's behaviour is a massive eye opener, but try not to worry about that right now. Get some sleep and when your head is straight, tackle that issue.

I hope your daughter gets better soon and you get some rest.

FredWinnie · 08/01/2021 22:47

"He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares"

How you've managed not to lose your shit altogether is incredible
What he did was unforgivable (imo)
Hope your dd recovers speedioly

Takingontheflab · 08/01/2021 22:49

Unforgivable.

MilkMoon · 08/01/2021 22:51

I don’t think you’re in the least unreasonable — that’s not the behaviour of a warm and involved stepfather who wants to adopt your daughter. That’s more “slight acquaintance’ territory.

Best wishes for your daughter’s recovery.

StElsewhere · 08/01/2021 22:56

YANBU. I don't think he cares enough about you or your daughter. I wonder if he's played up the brother with Covid thing as well, because I'm not getting how that prevented him from not contacting you until 5pm the next day. This is one of these things where I might not make an immediate decision about the relationship, but it would be there in the background eating away at how I felt about him longer term. I've been with some right arses over the years, but even the most arsey of them would have called to check how my DD was and how I was.

MrsBobDylan · 08/01/2021 22:57

I bet he's shitting himself now, prepare yourself for some histrionics op where he pledges his undying love.

He basically forgot all about you and dd and came home after his shift and thought he'd get some shut eye while the house was nice and quiet for him. He is a living chocolate teapot, as useless as he is selfish.

Ginfordinner · 08/01/2021 22:58

I hope your DD recovers soon

Sallycinnamum · 08/01/2021 23:00

As another OP said, he's a monster. I could never forgive someone for doing that, ever.

oakleaffy · 08/01/2021 23:01

@2021isnotgoingwell

Hope your Daughter is ok.

Men tend not to care for other men's kids like their own.

It sucks.

He has shown his true colours.

If he cared for her, He'd be phoning.

Enrosadira · 08/01/2021 23:01

He is a twat and doesn’t give a shit. Sirry

oakleaffy · 08/01/2021 23:02

Edit : Horrid man.

Do not let him legally adopt your DD.

He is not worthy of her.

Viviennemary · 08/01/2021 23:03

He has come over as very uncaring in this instance. Only you know if this is a one off or expected usual behaviour from him.

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