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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU please be honest I can take it and need to know.

139 replies

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:40

I need to know if I am being unreasonable with my DP.
( I have 3DC )
My daughter fell ill and had suspected meningitis was my sister I looking after the other 2.
DD was rushed in, and I called DP who was at work at the time.
I explained what had happened and I was clearly very upset.
Anyway he told me he was going to get some sleep after shift this was about 11pm
He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text.
I haven’t had any sleep in 36 hours.
Anyway he then after he could tell I was upset said that I am his piority but that his sibling has covid and he rang last night in bad way ( sibling is happily married ) that he was assessed by 111 and paramedic and was well enough to stay home ( 28 no health needs and they said he breathing was v stable ) . So I was focusing on him last night. I then decided to catch up on some sleep during the day as had a day off work and woke up at 5pm when I messaged to check on you.

He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares.
That I am ( our family ) his priority.

Am I really so in the wrong ?

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 08/01/2021 23:07

[quote 2021isnotgoingwell]@Chamomileteaplease sorry I am typing through tears and very tired eyes.

Yes He is her step dad, we have another child who is biologically his but it has just really effected me that he didn’t even check if we were ok or if I needed anything.[/quote]
You need to reassess this relationship.

You also need sleep.

You must have been terrified out of your wits, as any loving parent/step parent should be.

Colouringaddict · 08/01/2021 23:11

@oakleaffy that is a real generalisation, my DH has brought up my DC as his own and that is exactly how he has treated them. My DS now has a DSS and he is treated exactly like his own. There are millions out there doing exactly the same thing. Not all men are the wicked stepfather, just like not all women are evil stepmothers.

OP I hope your daughter is on the mend very soon. Concentrate on her, your DP can wait until you feel stronger and less tired

Fuckitsstillraining · 08/01/2021 23:17

Wow, I'd hate him for that. He thinks very little of you or your child. Hope your dd is ok, I went through similar almost 20 years ago, my son was rushed to hospital for same reason and my boyfriend (not his father) was abroad at the time, he immediately offered to come home but that was going to be difficult, I was so lucky to have my ex (also not the father) who straight away offered to come to the hospital with my medication, change of clothes, support me etc. I'm now married to my then boyfriend and he is so good to me and my now adult son and my wonderful ex is still there if I need a friend, thats what our partners need to be like.

Actupfishy · 08/01/2021 23:18

What a selfish piece of shit! So sorry to hear your daughter has been poorly, get yourself some rest and deal with the dickhead once your daughter is better and you’ve had a proper sleep xxx

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/01/2021 23:21

He basically forgot all about you and dd and came home after his shift and thought he'd get some shut eye while the house was nice and quiet for him. He is a living chocolate teapot, as useless as he is selfish

This with bells on....Lip service is about as good as it gets with plastic daddy.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/01/2021 23:23

This is not a good man and you should not allow him to adopt. He doesn't give a shit about you or your DD.

For context my boyfriend (who I've been with for less than two years and has known my DD for less than a year) went to A&E in the middle of COVID to support my DD and I when she had an asthma attack and spent the night there without batting an eyelid.

A man who prioritises sleep and some cock and bull story about "supporting his brother" over a child facing a potentially deadly illness does not have the maturity or the right to become that child's legal father.

oakleaffy · 08/01/2021 23:24

[quote Colouringaddict]@oakleaffy that is a real generalisation, my DH has brought up my DC as his own and that is exactly how he has treated them. My DS now has a DSS and he is treated exactly like his own. There are millions out there doing exactly the same thing. Not all men are the wicked stepfather, just like not all women are evil stepmothers.

OP I hope your daughter is on the mend very soon. Concentrate on her, your DP can wait until you feel stronger and less tired[/quote]
But a true one!

Step parents of both genders say they love their bio kids more.

It is hardwired in to them, to protect and invest in own genetic material.

{Speaking as someone who has was legally adopted by stepmum after original mum died when very young
. Stepmum admitted when I was 11 that it ''is very hard to love another woman's child {compared to their own cherished bio offspring}.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2021 23:28

He doesn't sound like a very nice man, OP. You need support from your partner in a situation like that. I've had both my parents at one time or other be rushed into hospital and DH has dropped everything to look after our kids himself so that I could do what needed to be done at the hospital, and he has texted or phoned to ask for news etc. They weren't HIS parents and Im' sure he doesn't love them like he loves his own but he did exactly the right thing and he stepped up to support me. Your partner didn't.

I do think SOME men (who are a tad on the cold unemotional side, a bit like my DH can be on occasion, and definitely DS1 who is 17 and barely aware of what anyone else is up to ) just don't think about things like providing emotional support. They think "no news is good news" and often don't see the need to phone for updates as they think you'll let THEM know if there's anything they need to know.

But even if he's crap at the emotional support he should still have offered the practical support, shouldn't he? Like gone and collected the kids from your sister's. Offered to take over from you at the hospital, or to take you something to eat etc.

It's weird behaviour from him all round. If he was so concerned about his brother, did he not text you to tell you about that, even, when he found out? If he had texted you immediately he found out about that that would have been the opportunity to ask for an update on your DD.
Is he regularly so uncommunicative about important family events?

Does your DD have her biological dad in her life? Just wondering if he was also at the hospital, in which case did your partner thought he wasn't needed there, or that he was treading on her dad's toes?

It's just bizarre, I can't fathom that behaviour at all.

I hope your DD makes a full recovery, OP, and that things drastically improve in terms of your relationship with your partner.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 08/01/2021 23:33

He’s a lazy little prick

SpaceOp · 08/01/2021 23:41

So, to sum up:

He didn't care enough about you to check how you were coping.
He didn't care enough about the child he supposedly wants to adopt to check that she was okay after being rushed to hospital
He didn't care enough about his biological child to check on that child or fetch that child from the emergency childcare you had been forced to organise.

He's not a keeper. Sorry OP. Hope you and your DD are both feeling better tomorrow.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 08/01/2021 23:45

I hope your DD is ok & can come home soon

You've done the right thing telling him to leave. Don't cave in & let him back, he'll just let you down again & again.

I'm sorry, it's a dreadful time for it, but there won't be a better time either.

Be strong.

Pumpkintopf · 08/01/2021 23:46

This sounds absolutely horrendous op! He's a useless excuse for a human being.

MisfitRightIn · 08/01/2021 23:47

A decent man wouldn’t act like this.

I hope you & your DD get some good news. Once things have stabilized, I would seriously consider your future with this DH.

Take care of yourself and DD, put yourselves first.

Sacredspace · 08/01/2021 23:49

I know some are saying he should have been by your side, but he wouldn’t have been allowed to come to the hospital surely?

SunKeepsShining · 08/01/2021 23:56

Firstly I hope your DD gets well soon and you can all get home.

What he did was unforgivable, to not even phone or text to ask how she was, did you need clothes bringing in, food, a phone charger, what can I do to help, I’ll get the kids etc etc.

Sorry that would be the last time he was in my house.

Bumarse · 09/01/2021 00:00

Get rid.

He is as cold as ice and the fact he sees nothing wrong with the way he has responded is concerning tbh. No empathy whatsoever. Please don't let him adopt her.

I hope your DD recovers comfortably and I hope you are able to get some rest. What an awful situation

supersplodge · 09/01/2021 00:00

That is weird and very hurtful. My DH has ASD (he'd never admit it but our DS is diagnosed and I see so many similar traits). He isn't 'caring' in the way most of us expect people to be, and doesn't get that hurt children want cuddles and sympathy, or that I'd like a bit of concern if he drops a hammer on my toe. It winds us all up, but empathy isn't his strong point.

BUT - even so - if I was rushed to hospital with anything for a child, whether biologically his or not, I know he would a) care and b) offer support. He certainly wouldn't wait until 5pm the next day to call! He might need guidance as to what I'd like him to do to help me - but he would not be batting us away in favour of sleep or slightly unwell relatives!

I agree with a PP that he must not have realised how serious this might be - but even so, the fact that she's in hospital should make it pretty obvious! No wonder you're upset! No advice - I'm sure you can talk it through with him when all this is over and your DD is hopefully fine - but if he really doesn't get it then you have some thinking to do......

freddiethegreat · 09/01/2021 00:06

@2021isnotgoingwell put it this way. My son has had a number of hospital admissions - a couple of accidents as a smaller child, a good few in the run up to a diagnosis of Crohn’s in mid-teens & subsequent complications from the Crohn’s. I am a lone parent. When my brother & sister in law get a text/call saying he has gone in, they have never once failed to call/text back within the hour and to stay in contact every few hours until he is home & well. They live 4 hours away & if it’s serious one of them will come. That’s my DB & DSIL not my partner.

nowishtofly · 09/01/2021 00:09

My DH would show more concern for our dog if sent to the vet for a day than yours has shown here toward a step daughter he says he loves. Fair enough he finished a shift and had to grab some sleep - but if I were you I would have expected a call as soon as he woke up. It's bizarre behaviour, can only give the impression that you and the child are low on his list of priorities. Meningitis is a life threatening illness. Doesn't he know that? What was he thinking?! Is this the first time you have been let down or have there been other instances?

Lovely1a2b3c · 09/01/2021 00:14

Wow, that's dreadful! I hope your DD is getting better. Your partner does not love your DD at all does he. He should at least care for her as she's his own child's sister. I'd be very concerned about it too.

supersplodge · 09/01/2021 00:15

Also it's rubbish about whether she's his biological child or not. We aren't comparing how much step parents love their real kids vs step kids (which is a whole different thing and I'm sure lots love them all equally anyway), we're considering how a normal human being would act in this situation.

Bottom line is - a caring and loving partner would be there for OP even if they'd never met the person she was worried about (elderly granny?). The fact that he wasn't is worse because it's his step daughter, worse because she's a child, worse because he wasn't fussed about his own bio daughter either - so basically he's an uncaring and unsupportive man, full stop.

caringcarer · 09/01/2021 00:15

I would feel very disappointed and low on his list of priorities. He got home from work and did not collect your children. Crap parent. Good job you have a caring and reliable sister.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2021 00:22

@SpaceOp

So, to sum up:

He's not a keeper. Sorry OP. Hope you and your DD are both feeling better tomorrow.

I agree with this. So sorry, @2021isnotgoingwell

"He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares. That I am ( our family ) his priority."
When he says you are his priority, he's lying. Actions speak louder than words. You and the children are clearly NOT his priority.

SoulofanAggron · 09/01/2021 00:23

He sounds awful.

So, one of your children is biologically his? And yet you don't live together, after 3 years together? Did you try living together but it didn't work?

I think it sounds like the relationship isn't going anywhere and he is uncaring.

Wishing your DD a speedy recovery and you some rest and peace. xxxxx

SoulofanAggron · 09/01/2021 00:26

It's not even just about how he's been towards your DD of course- he wasn't caring about you when you needed his support and care.

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