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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU please be honest I can take it and need to know.

139 replies

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:40

I need to know if I am being unreasonable with my DP.
( I have 3DC )
My daughter fell ill and had suspected meningitis was my sister I looking after the other 2.
DD was rushed in, and I called DP who was at work at the time.
I explained what had happened and I was clearly very upset.
Anyway he told me he was going to get some sleep after shift this was about 11pm
He did not contact me until 5pm today to ask if DD was ok and very casually asked over text.
I haven’t had any sleep in 36 hours.
Anyway he then after he could tell I was upset said that I am his piority but that his sibling has covid and he rang last night in bad way ( sibling is happily married ) that he was assessed by 111 and paramedic and was well enough to stay home ( 28 no health needs and they said he breathing was v stable ) . So I was focusing on him last night. I then decided to catch up on some sleep during the day as had a day off work and woke up at 5pm when I messaged to check on you.

He says it’s hurtful and wrong that I have told him that I need to act like he cares.
That I am ( our family ) his priority.

Am I really so in the wrong ?

OP posts:

FrankRattlesnake · 08/01/2021 21:52

He is quite clearly a seriously uneducated human being that:

doesn’t understand the severity of meningitis or it’s potential outcomes, and
that no one gets rushed to hospital these days in the middle of a global pandemic unless it is absolutely necessary.

Not only that, the fact that he prioritised his brother (who had support and was in a stable condition) and his own sleep above his daughters welfare.

To be fair to him there is a certain category of man that will freeze in these situations and do nothing because they just can’t function. I mean it kindly because it’s some sort of inability to have any respect or understanding of how others are coping or feeling. Potentially it’s a lack of any form of humanity? The fabulous thigg by about those who freeze is that they then try and cover this up or justify it with the worlds worst excuses.

Honestly this is a red line, not a light pink line with second chances but a straight to jail do not pass go. Dealbreaker 100% because he cares not a joy for his daughter or you.

Original poster

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:52

No @schmockdown she isn’t his but has been apart if he life since she was a baby, tells me he loves her as his own. I have asked him to leave but not sure if I’m being unreasonable because I’m so tired.

OP posts:

whatwedontknow · 08/01/2021 21:52

I’m not sure of the timeline, was he at work yesterday when DD was rushed into hospital? Has he slept all night and day? The DD in hospital is not his right? Does your sister still have other two? You are not his priority.

How is your DD now, hope she and you are OK.

TerrifiedOfTrying4No2 · 08/01/2021 21:53

How long have you been together op?

Winterwaves · 08/01/2021 21:53

It's still a bit confusing OP, you have a child together but the child in hospital who he didn't seem bothered about is not his biological child? I think it speaks volumes if that's the case

Original poster

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:54

@TerrifiedOfTrying4No2 coming up to 3 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:55

@Winterwaves yes we have a child together
This was not the child who was rushed in ( still in but asleep on treatment ) sorry i have not slept.

OP posts:

Iwantacookie · 08/01/2021 21:55

Yanbu. Ds2 was taken to hospital few years ago dp (not his biological dad) stayed there all night with me because we both needed him. Your dp has his priorities wrong.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/01/2021 21:56

Sorry OP but your writing is quite hard to understand.

So was your DP at your home and you were at the hospital all night and then all the following day?

I can only think that he was sure it wasn't anything serious and that that is why he wasn't concerned.

But I agree with the others; he sounds like a disinterested uncle, not a supposedly loving stepfather to your DD and loving partner to you.

Tiredmum100 · 08/01/2021 21:57

He sounds like an idiot. I'd be asking him to leave.

Original poster

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 21:58

@Chamomileteaplease sorry I am typing through tears and very tired eyes.

Yes He is her step dad, we have another child who is biologically his but it has just really effected me that he didn’t even check if we were ok or if I needed anything.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 08/01/2021 22:02

So from 11pm when DD went to hospital, he finished his shift & went to sleep. He then finally got round to texting you at 5pm???

Presumably he wasn’t actually supporting his brother with Covid as he would be isolating. And he didn’t even check whether your sister needed him to collect his own child.

Get rid.

whatwedontknow · 08/01/2021 22:03

I’m not surprised you are upset, your DD must only be around 3 year old and you must be out of your mind with worry, you dealt with that fear, arranged care for the other two, and he slept for how long?

Scbchl · 08/01/2021 22:03

I understand -

You live together have been together 3 years and share one child..that child isnt in hospital but is with your sister due to your dp working whilst your other dd (not his biologically, but hes asked to adopt her) was rushed in to hospital with suspected meningitis.

So he got home from work was apparently more worried about his brother through the night and didnt even have time or think to message you about you and your dd. Then apparently slept all day and contacted you finally at 5pm?

Honestly I'm completely shocked at his lack of concern for her and your wellbeing when she was so ill. I dont think I could forgive him..in your darkest hours when you needed his support most and when he should of been extremely concerned for your daughter, he wasnt there.

Redwinestillfine · 08/01/2021 22:04

Wow. What he should have done was immediately drop everything, leave work and rush to your side. Anything less than that is callousness of the highest order. I am so sorry op. You deserve better.

Changemaname1 · 08/01/2021 22:06

No he’s a dick . His essentially stepdaughter is in hospital with potential meningitis but don’t worry pal you get some sleep .

Kudostoyou · 08/01/2021 22:06

OP you are understandably exhausted take care of yourself now and get some sleep, your DD is priority now and I hope she makes a full and speedy recovery, your DP did not prioritise either of you in this situation, don’t waste your time worrying about him now just get some (like he did last night) xx

Purplealienpuke · 08/01/2021 22:07

I understand (I think)
Your unwell child isn't biologically his.
Your child with him was at your sisters.
You were in hospital.
He was at home after work sleeping....
Leaving you at your wits end, alone at the hospital?
That is NOT a caring partner.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
He isn't showing one ounce of support for you or your dd or concern for your other children who are with your sister.
He got a quiet night in without any kids 🙄

LIZS · 08/01/2021 22:07

Whether he could have just left work rather depends, but would have expected him to at least check in with you and support you with childcare etc instead of sleeping in and bringing his brother into the conversation.

MrsDev1980 · 08/01/2021 22:07

Absolutely not unreasonable. He has behaved appallingly towards you and your daughter when you needed him the most and now has the audacity to try to make you feel bad when you call him out on it. I'd rather be on my own than with someone as thoughtless as that

Candyfloss99 · 08/01/2021 22:08

He didn't text you until 5pm?? What was he doing until then? Are you in the hospital now? This whole set up sounds very bizarre

itsgettingweird · 08/01/2021 22:09

He's an idiot.

I split from my DP and when ds was rushed to hospital with same suspicions I called him over and over and he didn't answer.

So I called his mum to explain (in a different country so no point calling my parents) and ask if she could keep trying to contact him. Plus he was living with her at the time.

She went mad at me for calling her at 11pm and said he's probably asleep (didn't even confirm he was home or not) and i should wait until following afternoon as she was taking him flat hunting in the morning.

Our relationship never recovered.

Hope your DD is fine and you find a way through this but I think he needs to accept that he's has been completely selfish and unreasonable.

ShalomToYouJackie · 08/01/2021 22:10

Right so you live together, you have a DC together but poorly DC isn't his.

And he went home, your shared child was staying with your sister and he didn't bother to contact you to check your DD was ok or collect his child that was at your sister's?

I think the fact that you live together is even worse.

If you didn't live together, hadn't been together long and lived separate lives it wouldn't be as bad (still a dick move though).

I can't believe he didn't bloody contact you all day.

Backtoblack1 · 08/01/2021 22:15

Very thoughtless of him. I’d be hurt. Hope your DD is ok x

Original poster

2021isnotgoingwell · 08/01/2021 22:20

Yes thank you for explaining that better.
Daughter has not got
Meningitis but is still in hospital as it was some sort of numerological attack of some kind and they are not sure what has caused it so we are still waiting on test results.

OP posts:

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