To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

‘The Equality Act 2010 legally protects people from discrimination in the workplace and in wider society. Employers and individuals need to be aware of the categories and it impacts upon service provision and employment’

Well I never!

So the ‘contemporary issue of ‘work’ that is an issue and also.... contemporaneous and SAHM must use retrospective anecdotes’ is, in fact, 10 years old?

Do you have any awareness that people work in all kinds of different scenarios? Not everyone is even in corporate environment. Who knew???

You do realise that everyone is not you and you are not the spokesperson for “work.”

Good for you with your job and all that, by the way, and I do mean that. It obviously means everything to you and you’re very proud of it, so I don’t want to undermine you there. I don’t know where you’re coming from so if this job really matters to you because it gives you an identity and a sense of achievement, then knock yourself out.,

But all you can comment on is your own job. That’s it. What planet are you on where you think an office job and basic legislation is the end all and be all?

I’ve occasionally missed events because of work, it happens.I don’t feel bad about it
My mum worked she didn’t get to most events, and that’s just the way it is
My parenting abilities and my children well-being and attachment isn’t measured in time at school events
Conversely there are real performance parents, best in category, who are at everything and they’re angsty and overbearing to their children. It’s not a who clocked the most miles at school gate competition. For sure I’d lose that competition
One time someone asked me if I was new as she’d never seen me before.

My mother was a SAHM. She said to her daughters, dsis and me, never rely on a man. Always have a job and be self-sufficient. I did not always listen to me mum, but I have always followed that piece of advice.

It gives me security and confidence to know that I can pick up the children and leave an abusive man (not that dh is, far from it) at the drop of a hat even with nothing on our backs and we will be fine. This is how I protect the dcs, not I ever want to do it, but knowing I can do it makes me feel so strong as a mother.

Completely agree, I was also given the same advice by my mum. Wise women
I have my own money and am in no way dependent. It makes me happy
Always have just in case fund

You do realise that everyone is not you and you are not the spokesperson for “work.”
Indeed! I'm reminded of my DD when she was about three and thought when people went off to work they were all going to the same place.

I think when DC are small there's a kind of fairness about one of you working and one looking after DC. But once they're older, that can diminish if one of you is commuting and working 8 hours a day whilst the other pursues hobbies. I've seen a few friends fall foul of that in that their dp didn't respect them any more. I also agree that you'd be mad to rely on anybody for finances all your adult life. If you're independently wealthy maybe that's a choice you have.

It gives me security and confidence to know that I can pick up the children and leave an abusive man (not that dh is, far from it) at the drop of a hat even with nothing on our backs and we will be fine. This is how I protect the dcs, not I ever want to do it, but knowing I can do it makes me feel so strong as a mother.
If only it was a easy as that.

I agree that if you were just living off your husband’s wage each month (maybe you had some limited family savings) then it’s a risk to be a SAHM for a long time.

But that’s for the individual to decide. Obviously.

I think the basic point a lot of posters repeatedly don’t grasp on here is that, for many SAHM families, they are not dependent on “his” income per se (in the sense the wife does not need that in the case of separation). These are often very wealthy families with property and investments in both their names, do the SAHM is not even thinking about “how would I survive without his income?” She knows the value of the assets the family have built up over the years and this is her financial security. Joint assets in joint names. I realise some people can’t get their heads around that scenario, but maybe just try? Try and grasp that some women are making decisions in totally different contexts to you. It’s really not that difficult at all... If you were in their position, you might well have done the same. Never know unless you’ve been there!

Exactly quest1on I said it earlier in the thread and a poster found it unbelievable, but I have never felt more financially secure than I have since I became a SAHM.

It’s semantics call it family money,call joint.can’t get away from fact he earned it.
He salary supports an unwanted wife and their children
It seems fluffy terminology,ours,we, blurs that obvious distinction
Nomenclature does not change the fact that it’s his money,his salary and its precarious to be wholly dependent on someone else

I look forward to a slew of it’s ours! Family Money! and of course that ol chestnut he could not have done it without his Sah partner

TYPO before there’s a riot His salary supports an unwaged wife and their children

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

TYPO before there’s a riot His salary supports an unwaged wife and their children

Oh thank fuck

Thought unwanted wife was a bit harsh..😀

I know! I read it and thought Christ a klaxon will go off they’ll be frothing at that

😀

These are often very wealthy families with property and investments in both their names, do the SAHM is not even thinking about “how would I survive without his income?” She knows the value of the assets the family have built up over the years and this is her financial security. Joint assets in joint names. I realise some people can’t get their heads around that scenario, but maybe just try? Try and grasp that some women are making decisions in totally different contexts to you. It’s really not that difficult at all... If you were in their position, you might well have done the same. Never know unless you’ve been there!

I don't need to try and get my head around that. I have that - sounds terribly conceited but it is a fact - and the ability to earn a living to support myself and the dcs independently of these assets. I would still feel vulnerable as a SAHM without having the ability to bring in a decent wedge.

I don't want my dcs' standard of living to drop significantly just because my dh was no longer around for whatever reason.

I think when DC are small there's a kind of fairness about one of you working and one looking after DC. But once they're older, that can diminish if one of you is commuting and working 8 hours a day whilst the other pursues hobbies.

I was a SAHM until my DC started school and have gradually increased my hours as they've got older (although I normally work about 28hrs/wk so not FT)
Now our DC are older, I know my DH would feel quite resentful if he was out of the house 10-12 hours a day (but earning more than he does now!) and I had most of the time to do as I pleased and persue hobbies, meet friends etc. (I would feel guilty about it anyway) but it seems to work for a few people I know and presumably that's what best suits their family set up or they wouldn't be doing it.

Nomenclature does not change the fact that it’s his money,his salary and its precarious to be wholly dependent on someone else
Of course it's his money and his earnings, his bonus etc. He chooses to put some of it in my name and in into a pension for me and chooses to class the rest as family money.
Do people who are given money from their parents for mortgage deposits see it as partly their parents home or just their home?
It absolutely is precarious to be dependent on someone and I completely understand it's not for everyone but there are things that can be done to minimise the risk.
Life is full of risks, we all have to assess whether they are worth taking.

..and of course that ol chestnut he could not have done it without his Sah partner
Of course he could have! He loves his job and is bloody good at it. I'd never take credit for his hard work. I've always been here to discuss things when there's been decisions to be made, he's had a few crossroad moments over the years. However he acknowledges he couldn't do his current job and be around for the kids if I died for example which is why we have life insurance.

I was a SAHM for 5 years and loved it. Now work 3 days which is the perfect balance. I think as DC are at school, there is no reason not to. I would not really have a daily structure. I think working makes me appreciate my days off more.

It's really not always so precarious. When I was a SAHM we had finances arranged in such a way that should my healthy, 30-something DH suddenly drop dead or up-sticks it really wouldn't have been disastrous money wise. I would have had to tighten my belt for sure, but no less than I would have if I was working and my husband left/died.

The benefits of being a SAHM far far outweighed any risk in my situation. The risk is so minimal that for some it's just a non-issue. Like a pp said everyone's situation is different and weighing it up, my decision to be a SAHM was one of my smartest moves.

@TarnishedSilver

The Equality Act 2010 legally protects people from discrimination in the workplace and in wider society. Employers and individuals need to be aware of the categories and it impacts upon service provision and employment

Diversity and opportunities policies. Huge changes on workplace, many workplaces have new specific policies and/or targets

So yes if you’re not working and have no direct experience of how these impact in workplace you’ll need to rely on recall,anecdote or google

We are a small company, we just went through a recruitment process - all the people I worked along with from our company, had no clue about the specifics of the regulations surrounding the Equalities act...the others who have been working for Blue Chip companies since they left Uni with no gaps - had no clue, it didn't take too long to find out what we needed to know - ask them about a technical aspect of their jobs and they'll be experts in their field but they've always looked to HR to take care of that side of things while working for a blue chip...so I'd say they wouldn't have had a clue either.

And what we need to know about GDPR has been written on a two page document - it's really not that hard!

Seconded. Just accepted a new Operations role for a charity that deals with vulnerable users, and was asked about handling sensitive data. My response was based on me thoroughly familiarising myself with their data protection policies (posted on their website), and describing my experiences of handling parental / child data as a former volunteer.

I don’t buy the idea that it’s a limitation if you can’t talk to your kids about ‘the workplace’ - a) because there is no such homogenous entity, and b) your role as a parent isn’t to model every kind of life experience to your child, but to supply them with the intellectual and social skills to seek out those answers by themselves.

A lack of confidence can definitely inhibit returning to work as a SAHM, and I’ve always felt there’s so much more that can be done - by women themselves and by other organisations - to keep women connected with their professional skills, even their ability to recall the minutiae of their former jobs, how they excelled at them, and how they demonstrate key competence requirements in interview.

He chooses to put some of it in my name and in into a pension for me and chooses to class the rest as family money

Saying “ I would be ok if he fucked off” essentially stems from the fact that he earns a lot of money and has not been a dick about sharing it. What that would look like moving forward should you divorce who knows but I don’t think the majority of SAHMs are so financially comfortable. I would be surprised if the majority of SAHMs had their own private pension for example. Not that at means you should be working... I don’t mean that but you must see how privileged your position is.

@Divebar

He chooses to put some of it in my name and in into a pension for me and chooses to class the rest as family money

Saying “ I would be ok if he fucked off” essentially stems from the fact that he earns a lot of money and has not been a dick about sharing it. What that would look like moving forward should you divorce who knows but I don’t think the majority of SAHMs are so financially comfortable. I would be surprised if the majority of SAHMs had their own private pension for example. Not that at means you should be working... I don’t mean that but you must see how privileged your position is.

There is a pension crisis looming and many who are employed will face poverty in their retirement years let alone those who are out of the workplace for many years. The state pension age is now 67/68 and the stark reality is that many people encounter health problems in their 60s.

If you are wealthy enough to be able to run a family on one wage and both have adequate pensions you are very fortunate indeed.
This is not about SAH/WOH but a general trend and a pension crisis is a certainty.

A lack of confidence can definitely inhibit returning to work as a SAHM, and I’ve always felt there’s so much more that can be done - by women themselves and by other organisations - to keep women connected with their professional skills, even their ability to recall the minutiae of their former jobs, how they excelled at them, and how they demonstrate key competence requirements in interview.

I think a lack of confidence is an inhibitor to returning to work but I would also strongly point out people who bang on about how the workplace has changed beyond all recognition and you'll be completely out of your depth. As a sahm - you still co-exist and interact with humans, you maintain relationships with all sorts of professional bodies - you are aware of changes in the world, most of us read the news - if you were computer literate before pregnancy it's likely that you continued to use software programs/social media/word maybe even a bit of excel - with a basic grounding you can update these skills (you tube) pretty easily. Beyond MS products all companies use different software products - any new employee will have to learn these.

I also think the above attitude contributes to prejudice against SAHMs when they return to work - as if they are bloody useless and should be thrown on the scrap heap - it's bullshit. And if you are contributing to this prejudice shame on you!

We employ two women who were both SAHM - both professional and very talented women who stepped away from work to care for their kids. They returned to part-time work through us - through my experience, dh and I believe in helping woman return to work (not an entirely selfless act) one of them is so bloody talented that even after taking 8 years off work - she jumped back in again - to a highly technical and ever changing industry and was within a few weeks twice as productive as anyone else on the team - the team are brilliant but she is something else - what kind of dumb-assed employer would reject someone like her for taking 8 years off and wanting to return part -time (we'd her full time in an instant!)
It's time we stopped being so bloody stupid about woman returning to work - stop discriminating against them when they wish to do what you all have been telling them they should do - be part of the solution.

Every day's a school day. I now completely see that my children will be screwed over in life because I couldn't quote the Equalities Act to them

Wrt pensions, as important as they are, lots of people have worked hard and paid into them over the years and been utterly screwed over at retirement age. I think it would do us all good to know more about them, the benefits and potential dangers. I know I'm not as knowledgeable here as I should be. So far I've been overpaying the mortgage so that the house is an asset and trying to build savings now that we don't have the debt that younger people might have.

Good post silver