To ask what you think of SAHMs?

[HarryHarryHarry]

For the past 3 years I have been a SAHM. I never imagined that I would be one but I actually quite like it. Eventually I plan to go back to work but it could be that I just work unskilled-type jobs instead of having a proper career. I really don’t know what my options will be when the time comes. I might just stay home and focus on my writing, which is my real passion, or I might go back to university and retrain in something. (We are lucky that we can currently afford to get by on just one parent’s wages). Recently though I have been wondering what my children will think of me when they’re older. Especially my daughter. Am I a bad example to her?

If your mum was a SAHM, did you have any thoughts about that?

You are trying to divert by whitabootery and will no one think of the children

And for women to have more of a say about how they structure their lives and to have more of a choice this is achieved by being autonomous and not dependent on a man financially . If your structure depends on his job,and your activity is domestic you’ll not have full set of choices.in case of Sahm the choices are centred around home and wage earner

I used the description 'shit stirring', to respond to the notion that sahp view the need to earn money to support children as an 'optional extra', as if we're all watching our kids starve because we CBA to go to work.
Everyone knows full well that if a person is a sahp it's because the family either has enough money coming in that they don't need both parents to work or that cost/availability of cc has prohibited 2 wohp.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously and HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I think I've made my point. I'm clear about what I said but I'll leave you both to your interpretations of it.

I think if the SAHM is happy doing it then great.

My mum gave up her career to stay at home with my siblings and I, I really wish she hadn't.

She resented being at home, it was expected of
her by family, friends etc. She later said she wishes she hadn't had children, I totally get this.

I would have preferred to be at nursery, child minders or after school clubs. A mother who was happy and fulfilled her professional ability would have been a much better role model to me.

Free I do agree that we need more debate about why our society has such an increase in anxiety among young people. I don't know if it was always like this and we just talk about it more now.

Tbh I don't think anyone has real autonomy. Everyone is dependent on someone, either a spouse or employer. Anyone's circumstances can change at any time

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I used the description 'shit stirring', to respond to the notion that sahp view the need to earn money to support children as an 'optional extra', as if we're all watching our kids starve because we CBA to go to work. Everyone knows full well that if a person is a sahp it's because the family either has enough money coming in that they don't need both parents to work or that cost/availability of cc has prohibited 2 wohp.

I know why you used it: it seemed like a good way to discredit what I was saying. Unfortunately, what I said was true. There have been some posters on here who are dismissive about the importance of money and do indeed see earning it (well, women earning it) as something inferior and undesirable. I could just as easily say that they were implying that all we working mothers are out chasing the dollar while our children wither and rot. They pretty much were, tbh.

It is not surprising that people in extreme wealth do not appreciate the importance of money. They'll deny it, of course, but the language they use betrays them. They play down the importance of having money to give a child essentials. They do not see it as important. I'm sure they would if it suddenly got taken away, but in the meantime, it's not actually something they really "get".

It needed to be said, and apparently it still does.

My mum was a SAHM, first by choice, then by necessity as she developed a physical disability. I never judged her or thought badly of her but I did sometimes wish we could have some of the things my friends with working parents could afford. On the other hand, they probably sometimes wished their mum was home when they got home from school.

One thing I will say is that, despite a reasonably happy marriage to my father, my mum did tell me never to be solely dependent on a partner’s salary. So I made sure that I wouldn’t be by pursuing a career. DH earns more than me but if he left or died, I wouldn’t be totally up the creek.

I used the description 'shit stirring', to respond to the notion that sahp view the need to earn money to support children as an 'optional extra', as if we're all watching our kids starve because we CBA to go to work
Everyone knows full well that if a person is a sahp it's because the family either has enough money coming in that they don't need both parents to work or that cost/availability of cc has prohibited 2 wohp

Hear hear. "All sahp are watching their children starve because they're not providing their children with 'essentials'" is the weird viewpoint of that pp 😂😂

All women must work!!!! Go work, women! All your children will die if you don't because you're not providing them with essentials!! 😂

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom
they could just as easily say that they were implying that all we working mothers are out chasing the dollar while our children wither and rot.

I was bowing out of the debate but I want to make it clear that I was not saying this^ at all (if you were referring to my post). Of course money determines the majority of our decisions, but why can't we have a non-hyperbolic discussion?

And this is the crux of my point really, the minute one says that some external cc can be poor, or asks for more debate on the psychological effects of external cc on DC, or even calls for more discussion about the issue, one is accused and characterised as (a) being very rich or (b) having some sort of agenda against working women. I don't and I'm not. And I've used external cc myself.

For balance are posters calling for qualitative and quantitative research into poor parenting in a domestic setting? Because if we have have our children best interests we should look at this, as most children receive their childcare in a domestic setting

I was only reading a separation pending divorce thread of a sahm mum in her 50s .. yesterday...classic thread where they are now divorcing and she is royally fucked financially.

The only judgement I have is if SAHMs a) expect tax payers to pay for their privilege and b) try to claim that they are working by being a SAHM like the rest of us don’t have to do all the same things just around work.

You don’t sound like one of these people, so no judgment from me!

My Mother was a SAHM and it was great until our Dad met someone else and left us. We went from being comfortably off to seeing our Mother stressed, struggling and unable to find work. Being financially independent is of utmost important to me and I have always worked full time. I try not to judge SAHM Mums and never would say anything negative to my friends who are. But deep down I can’t help thinking they are making a risky / bad choice.

Sorry not helpful but if you are a sahp or sahm please please make sure you have sound financial advice, everything including your hubby's pension... that there is a good provision for you... and you have at least 6 months savings in your own name, your own pension and you get wills done. You should have complete visibility of outgoings incoming, access to family accounts, savings, credit cards, stock be shares the lot. If you don't have visibility ...then time to get it.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

For balance are posters calling for qualitative and quantitative research into poor parenting in a domestic setting? Because if we have have our children best interests we should look at this, as most children receive their childcare in a domestic setting

Absolutely.

@YouJustDoYou

I used the description 'shit stirring', to respond to the notion that sahp view the need to earn money to support children as an 'optional extra', as if we're all watching our kids starve because we CBA to go to work Everyone knows full well that if a person is a sahp it's because the family either has enough money coming in that they don't need both parents to work or that cost/availability of cc has prohibited 2 wohp

Hear hear. "All sahp are watching their children starve because they're not providing their children with 'essentials'" is the weird viewpoint of that pp 😂😂

All women must work!!!! Go work, women! All your children will die if you don't because you're not providing them with essentials!! 😂

A slightly crass comment given many single parents are in this situation at the moment. SAHPs are certainly providing investment in time, but the money coming from their partner or the state is what is paying for the essentials.

@CookieDoughKid

Sorry not helpful but if you are a sahp or sahm please please make sure you have sound financial advice, everything including your hubby's pension... that there is a good provision for you... and you have at least 6 months savings in your own name, your own pension and you get wills done. You should have complete visibility of outgoings incoming, access to family accounts, savings, credit cards, stock be shares the lot. If you don't have visibility ...then time to get it.

Good advice. For everyone, really, SAHP and otherwise.

Freewheelin: But equally, let's not pretend that all outside-of-home childcare settings are great either.

Equally, let's not pretend that all SAHMs provide quality care to a consistent standard. Many SAHMs are at home with more than one child. My dc would have got more focused attention at nursery doing fun and development things than from me as a mother with a sibling to look after, a household and errands to run and meals to cook.

Some SAHMs neglect or abuse (emotionally or physically) children within a closed setting. Let's debate how safe that is. Or is that not up for debate because women have historically been lumped with bringing up children.

@Freewheelingoryx

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom they could just as easily say that they were implying that all we working mothers are out chasing the dollar while our children wither and rot.

I was bowing out of the debate but I want to make it clear that I was not saying this^ at all (if you were referring to my post). Of course money determines the majority of our decisions, but why can't we have a non-hyperbolic discussion?

And this is the crux of my point really, the minute one says that some external cc can be poor, or asks for more debate on the psychological effects of external cc on DC, or even calls for more discussion about the issue, one is accused and characterised as (a) being very rich or (b) having some sort of agenda against working women. I don't and I'm not. And I've used external cc myself.

No, it's been said that bad external childcare is another issue.

I have not said that SAHMs watch their kids starve, ffs. I've said that some wealthy SAHMs on this thread have been dismissive and flippant about the importance of earning it, demonstrating quite breathtaking ignorance in the process. Which they have n

My dc would have got more focused attention at nursery doing fun and development things than from me as a mother with a sibling to look after, a household and errands to run and meals to cook.

Don't underestimate the learning potential of these everyday things. I'm not sure a diet of constant stimulation is ideal either.

Through work I have professional experience of what bad parenting looks like and the enduring effect it can have upon an individual . Home, is not a safe place for millions of children and unfortunately because COVID this is increasingly problematic

Some adults do not have the skills,resilience or inclination to be good enough parents

Statistically, and research bears this out, home is not a safe place for millions of children. That’s why health and local authority place vulnerable children in day care setting eg to see and experience positive and educational interaction

Let’s not make out all parents are safe & nurturing. Unfortunately. They aren’t
Nor is nursery a dank under stimulating environment where children are dumped and forgotten

I feel very envious of SAHMs. I would love to be one but can’t afford it! If money was no object and I could choose time with my DC over work, it would be the DC every time.

For balance to the posters who say they loved their mum being their when they got back from school etc.
My DM never worked. At one point I remember looking down the back of the sofa for change for milk. At one point she got an office job but quit after 2 weeks because it 'wasnt for her'
I would regularly see her crying over bills, constant fear about money and carrying that around with us was an awful experience I wish I had never had. I would often go to bed hungry.
There was NO reason why she couldn't work. We were all school age, she had no disabilities and no mental health issues. I love her dearly and in many ways she was a wonderful mother, I never felt unloved. But my mind boggles now as to why she didn't work. God knows life would have been a lot, lot easier if she had. I resented my friends mums who seemed so together and independent.

DH's ex is another such woman, sadly. No disabilities etc, all kids at school, and absolutely no special needs etc, but she has never worked and probably never will. The financial obligation to provide for the children falls entirely to my DH. She has even said that my wage should be taken into account with CMS, so asking me to fund her lifestyle choice, when I work full time.

I think the example havin even a part time job sets a child can't be overlooked. Having your own thing, studying or working towards a goal that is yours and yours alone is very underrated.

It’s not necessarily a stark choice . Work or child
It can be work and child. Both necessary, both important
I chose work and children for me, and for them.

@LowestEbb

For balance to the posters who say they loved their mum being their when they got back from school etc. My DM never worked. At one point I remember looking down the back of the sofa for change for milk. At one point she got an office job but quit after 2 weeks because it 'wasnt for her' I would regularly see her crying over bills, constant fear about money and carrying that around with us was an awful experience I wish I had never had. I would often go to bed hungry. There was NO reason why she couldn't work. We were all school age, she had no disabilities and no mental health issues. I love her dearly and in many ways she was a wonderful mother, I never felt unloved. But my mind boggles now as to why she didn't work. God knows life would have been a lot, lot easier if she had. I resented my friends mums who seemed so together and independent.

DH's ex is another such woman, sadly. No disabilities etc, all kids at school, and absolutely no special needs etc, but she has never worked and probably never will. The financial obligation to provide for the children falls entirely to my DH. She has even said that my wage should be taken into account with CMS, so asking me to fund her lifestyle choice, when I work full time.

I think the example havin even a part time job sets a child can't be overlooked. Having your own thing, studying or working towards a goal that is yours and yours alone is very underrated.

And yet there are comments on this thread that are dismissive about the importance of earning money ("better things to do with my life") or implying that working mothers are just materialist chasing stuff they don't need. I still can't get over the wealthy London mum who waded in because she was so upset about people saying that one is often vulnerable without an independent income. Don't people know there are women like her who are set up for life without working even if the husband leaves or drops dead tomorrow! How can we have forgotten about her and all the other wealthy people in her circle? She was so misunderstood! Oh, and none of them divorce either!

Give me strength. That lot are really not helping their cause. If I were a SAHM I'd be yelling at them through the screen to shut up (well, for different reasons to the ones that are making me do it now).