The 'lovely woman wants advice about care package' trope

[MorrisZapp]

Ok here goes. I've noticed a trend on here and on other forums I use, notably a local fb women's group and the Sali Hughes fb forum that goes like this:

Excellent woman with sympatico sense of humour wants to know what she should put in a care package type gift for another excellent woman who is going through a truly terrible time.

The obvious response is 'oh you're lovely, what about cashmere socks?' but my inner cynic can't pipe down.

It wants to know, how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love? And if you just want generic suggestions and you're such a thoughtful and clever person, why can't you think of candles, a beautiful notebook and superb chocolate yourself?

I don't know what my point is. Perhaps I'm a cold fish. I'll put it to a vote.

YABU: god can't people be lovely and kind without professional grinches like you pissing all over it

YANBU: yeah I've noticed that too, it's a bit weird

Well it’s not much different to people asking which colour they should paint their bedroom or what to call their new baby?

I think what you really mean is that they are inviting a whole lot of admiration for how lovely they are.

Yip I think that's what I do mean. They can almost certainly do the gift without help, it's the warm glow they want. Nowt wrong with that I guess.

I’ve always hated those threads. I’m certain the women asking aren’t actually that close to the receiver at all and are just doing their hero in a crisis show.

I always read those threads for ideas because I'm shit at ideas

Fair enough.

I'm a fellow Grinch. Even the phrase "care package" annoys me.

I think it depends on the reason. I've asked for a friend after an operation, I've never had to stay in hospital so got a few ideas I'd never have thought of (ear plugs, lip balm etc) but if it's a generic "feel better" package then yes.

Same with "What should I get my DC for birthday/Christmas?"

@SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel

I'm a fellow Grinch. Even the phrase "care package" annoys me.

I agree, sounds too much like a harried carer arriving four times a day to wash your bottom and throw a cup of tea at you.

Absolutely no offence to all the fabulous carers out there, we as a family have benefited from your work and thank you.

I agree, its annoying on so many levels. Why can't people just do a juice thing without craving praise and approval from people online...ergh. Can't stand it.

I'm shite at buying gifts ive been known to get my friend a cold hot apple pie yes she loves them yes its nice I remember these things but im sure she would like something a bit more creative

To be fair, sometimes you need to know. I've had treatment for cancer, mastectomy etc etc and sometimes people have weird ideas. I get asked a lot! Chemo is horrible and can make your nails fall off, so dark nail polish can be useful, for example.
I agree though, when my sister died, my pals put together a wee package for me that was absolutely perfect, and they didn't need help!

There are so many if those threads already in existence.

'What can I get my dc/dh/goldfish for xmas/birthday/pancake day'

So it's unreasonable to start a new one. Just do a search!

I don't understand the very idea of care packages, to be honest, but I am from a completely different culture. So, for example- someone had a tragic stillbirth, and you think new expensive socks and chocolate will somehow make their grief easier? How is that supposed to work?

A Facebook hobby group I’m in has totally turned into this kind of thing - now that nobody is able to go out and do the hobby.

It’s full of women trying to outshine each other with their loveliness, both in looking for ideas and replying to the person looking for ideas, to tell them how wonderful they are and about some of the wonderful things they’ve done for others.

I’ve had to mute the group to stop myself from typing “this has been asked countless times now, have you tried the search function at the top of this page?”.

I think of care package as something social services would put in. So daily carers, day centre once a week, and meals on wheels.

Haven't seen this trend, but my immediate response is that they might be hoping for advice for something a bit more inspired or brand recommendations.

Yes, annoying. On other hand, if anyone can suggest a decent present for the unshoppable DP’s birthday next week, PLEASE let me know.

Depends. Sometimes it's good to get new ideas, particularly if you're not browsing the shops in real life or don't buy treaty things for yourself. If it's a new mum, then suggestions are usually helpful. Helps if they give some idea e.g. they might like a candle but I don't know which ones are nice.
Cashmere socks isn't something I'd have thought of tbh but would enjoy!

But if it's too generic with zero info then they're gonna get the obvious suggestions.

I get especially suspicious when another account immediately leaps in saying “ooh, x chocolates changed my life”. But I am a cynic.

I got some lovely ideas on a thread I made a few months ago. A friend who lives far away was finally pregnant and I was so excited for her but I am terrible at gift buying and didn't know what to get her.

Yeah, fellow grinch. If you don’t know what to put in a care package, why are you bothering to send one? If I send a spontaneous gift to a good friend then it’s because I know it’s something which will help them with the problem they have or particularly cheer them up. Asking for ideas always makes me think posters just want to hear what a lovely thoughtful person they are.

I also don’t see the point of a lot of threads asking for opinions on very esoteric and personal things though.

It's a bit of a weird one that isn't it. However me asking for suggestions for a care package for a friend whose a different age/has disabilities/unusual circumstances because I'm genuinely stumped for ideas is valid - Mumsnetters were brilliant at suggestions for a gift for my dp's ld adult dd, though that was on the sn chat board

Ah... one of those - cannot just do something nice but has to tell everyone she is doing something nice....

Care package ! oh my!

I don't find it odd at all.

If you've ever read the threads it's very clear what you think people may want in a situation and what they actually want in a situation is different.

I may think I know what to get my friend in hospital having had major surgery. But someone who's been in that situation is much better placed to know what's useful.

I thought you meant setting up a care package for carers to come in....