The 'lovely woman wants advice about care package' trope

[MorrisZapp]

Ok here goes. I've noticed a trend on here and on other forums I use, notably a local fb women's group and the Sali Hughes fb forum that goes like this:

Excellent woman with sympatico sense of humour wants to know what she should put in a care package type gift for another excellent woman who is going through a truly terrible time.

The obvious response is 'oh you're lovely, what about cashmere socks?' but my inner cynic can't pipe down.

It wants to know, how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love? And if you just want generic suggestions and you're such a thoughtful and clever person, why can't you think of candles, a beautiful notebook and superb chocolate yourself?

I don't know what my point is. Perhaps I'm a cold fish. I'll put it to a vote.

YABU: god can't people be lovely and kind without professional grinches like you pissing all over it

YANBU: yeah I've noticed that too, it's a bit weird

Your inner cynic is you - own it, don't call it "it"

Some people just aren't good at stuff like that and lack confidence so need advice and encouragement. I would think my ideas are crap but if everyone says the same thing I'd be more confident that the recipient will like it.

I think of a care package as someone making arrangements for carers to attend someone's needs who can't manage for themselves.

That's true, itsgetting weird but I think that's largely because people are different isn't it? For instance I may think cashmere bed socks are great and you may find them pointless, sweaty and difficult to wash, I may guzzle gin and you may be teetotal, you may love the idea of a 'care package' when going through a rough time and I (and a PP) may think it's actually quite a illogical/pointless thing to do to send a box of small presents tat to someone grieving/sick/stressed . I think what OP is saying is that if you think about it, if you don't already know which of these categories your friend fits into and what s/he would like, is there any point asking randoms on the internet about it unless you just want to show off what a lovely person you are?

That being said, I guess it can be helpful to ask about specific useful items from people in the same circumstances (e.g. a new mum if you have no children yourself) although I think it's still really personal, e.g. the suggestion to cook lots of frozen meals for new parents, a lot of people really wouldn't like or need that so while it's a nice thought I wouldn't do it without asking first (and if you are going to ask why not just cut out the middle man). Also agree with whoever said that there are usually loads of threads on the same topic and people should use the search function (that goes for a lot of MN/social media though!).

People like to chat about anything and everything, and this forum is one way of doing that.

I’m also useless at choosing gifts, I struggle and have no imagination.
I like reading these posts for ideas.
Also I am mindful myself that generally people can’t always know what a situation is like for someone - until they have lived through a similar experience themselves.
(I appreciated the breast cancer post above)
For example after bereavement it was nice having flowers delivered daily (but had to keep opening the door to delivery drivers, find vases, change water) - what I really struggled with was someone to help put out the recycling bins when I was physically incapable - that’s what I would choose to quietly do for someone else, or cut their grass.
I don’t know what situations are like for other people - that’s why I appreciate these sorts of posts.

I can never understand the cashmere socks thing. I’m sure they’re lovely to wear, but don’t they need hand washing? And who on earth CBA to hand wash socks?

Haha not at all. I've asked for advice for a hamper for my friend who's a new mum. I wanted to know what people found useful. I certainly don't need the admiration of anonymous strangers on a random forum 😂
Even if people do need that, what harm does it do you?

I hate the
“I/my child has made this but I/they think it’s rubbish” ones designed to elicit OMG HUN that’s great, they/you are sooooo talented responses.

Would love to reply “yes you’re right, it’s shit”

Would love to reply “yes you’re right, it’s shit”

@lubeybooby

I always read those threads for ideas because I'm shit at ideas

Me too. I am terrible at presents, which probably does mean I don't think about others enough or take enough notice of their day to day preferences and needs etc, as obviously if I did I wouldn't need ideas. Well shoot me, I need ideas .

I even have some of the threads with particularly good idea saved in my Christmas folder so that each year I can check them out in case there are some things suggested that I think would work but that I haven't go to round to buying yet. I would never start a thread like it on here though as I know what it would be judged (as per OP's view)

Since I definitely check out these threads for ideas but would never start my own, I suppose you could say I am happy that others are willing to be in the firing line of being accused of 'virtue signalling' or whatever other shite people come up with nowadays. We all have our areas of cowardice

I don't know. I posted this exact thing recently, but I wanted advice about what kind of gift would feel ok for someone who has just had a miscarriage because I wanted to add a small keepsake/acknowledgement of the baby. So I was asking for advice specifically about that element - noting I already planned to add nice bath stuff, baked goods etc. People offered others ideas as well as thoughts about the keepsake. Am I just a simpering idiot trying to get my ego stroked?

Also sometimes socks and chocolates feel generic and people might be hoping for a new idea.

I received a moonpig standard package gift set for my birthday (flowers, thorntons chocolates, balloon, card with an unoriginal printed message inside) and couldn't think of anything that would have required less thought on the part of the person sending it.

I would rather have just received a simple card handwritten by that person, or anything with an ounce of thought put into it.

I have a real dislike of unoriginal/ package gifts anyway. To me, it just defeats the whole point of gift-giving.

The "what do I get someone in ?" Are understandable - like the hospital examples shared.

The ones where the poster shares the other person's private traumas in detail to really show off what an incredible human being the poster is for helping them are not ok.

If you genuinely wanted to help someone going through hell you wouldn't publish their problems on the internet for strangers to gawp over.

Its Always cashmere i can't afford cashmere and here's mumsnet lovely socks and wrist warmers I'm really hard faced and cynical just buy your "friend" things you like and stop telling the Internet how lovely you are!

I think YABU because when I put together a package for my lovely MIL who had cancer, I had no idea what kind of things would be appropriate as I did not know anyone else who had had cancer. I didn't ask on here as it happened, I Googled it, and I discovered things like the treatment can make lips dry, so lip balm is a good thing, and in fact that you can get cold feet so socks are also good, and these are not things I would have thought of myself as I have never been in hospital apart from having the kids.

Speaking of socks I agree cashmere ones sound a faff but have just bought myself these and very much looking forward to receiving them.

www.marksandspencer.com/2-pack-velvet-ankle-high-socks/p/clp60477138?extid=ps_ps-gpla_ggl_lg_ch__-UK-_-_grow&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=CjwKCAiAouD_BRBIEiwALhJH6Nmr_9DbW1EwH3jFLonNJ1Emp143cpW8aeYNqgLcFsMpCFL50y_oeBoCTUkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

On a completely different subject does anyone know where I can bulk buy coffee for my colleagues at the hospital

Well yes Max you've basically agreed with me.

I know my friend loves smellies, what she likes to read etc.

I wouldn't know that in hospital it maybe better to get them subscription for a magazine and some headphones if they have iPad or kindle and maybe some headphones because it may be noisy if I haven't experienced the environment myself.

I may know my friend loves fluffy socks but may not know ones with the grippy bottom are better as hospital slippers are grippy.

It's all very well knowing what a friend may like but what is the best way to deliver it for their circumstance requires experience.

I just can't get my knickers in a twist over someone asking what's best in x situation. 🤷‍♀️

I asked when I wanted to treat my sister in law who was going through chemo. I'd never have thought of thick socks and thermal vests as I didn't realise she would feel so cold during the treatment.

I’m crap at thinking what to buy people. You might get annoyed by that sort of post, but I’ve actually searched for those sort of threads to get ideas on certain gift dilemmas, so yes, YABU.

What's wrong with just one 'Get Well Soon present'? A 'care package' sounds so clinical.

If a friend bought me cashmere or flowers I would wonder if they knew me at all.

If it was something outside of the norm I can see the point in posting for suggestions. Even fun stocking fillers.

But what can I get someone I know, erm talk to them. Listen to them. What are their interests?

It's virtue signalling op. Like, look how much I've given to charity instead of sending Christmas cards etc etc. Or, I did something kind for a homeless person and someone just happened to film it and paste it all over the Internet (generally people with a brand and image to uphold). Look up the Jewish tenets of charity, Anonymous for someone you don't know being the most genuinely virtuous. Alternatively look at the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry and Ted Dansom both donate a wing to a gallery but Ted's is 'anonymous' (although he tells everyone) so they all think he's the better person.
You can argue its better to do it for self promotion than not at all I suppose.