The 'lovely woman wants advice about care package' trope

[MorrisZapp]

Ok here goes. I've noticed a trend on here and on other forums I use, notably a local fb women's group and the Sali Hughes fb forum that goes like this:

Excellent woman with sympatico sense of humour wants to know what she should put in a care package type gift for another excellent woman who is going through a truly terrible time.

The obvious response is 'oh you're lovely, what about cashmere socks?' but my inner cynic can't pipe down.

It wants to know, how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love? And if you just want generic suggestions and you're such a thoughtful and clever person, why can't you think of candles, a beautiful notebook and superb chocolate yourself?

I don't know what my point is. Perhaps I'm a cold fish. I'll put it to a vote.

YABU: god can't people be lovely and kind without professional grinches like you pissing all over it

YANBU: yeah I've noticed that too, it's a bit weird

I don't mind threads asking for ideas for specific people, ie: Sporty man who likes rock-climbing or a 15 YO who's into gaming. Just the woman (or man) of , who bloody knows!

I think if the person is asking for a specific reason (eg it's for someone in a situation they've never been in themselves such as being in hospital) then asking for ideas from others is fair enough, although I find it unlikely that they have absolutely nobody they know in real life who they could ask rather than a bunch of strangers on the Internet.
Anyone asking for a generic cheer up gift for a friend is a) clearly virtue signalling and b) not that good a friend if they have no idea themselves what their friend would like but, again, assume a bunch of strangers would.

So many people are so cynical... I nearly posted yesterday because I wanted to buy a nice distracting book for a friend whose mother has just died. Her mother had had dementia for many years and my friend was her carer, so I know there was a measure of relief mixed with the sadness. But I’ve never been in that situation myself. So I wanted to know would a distracting/amusing book be appropriate or not? I tried Googling but got nowhere. I’m not virtue signaling. I just don’t know. What’s wrong with asking people who might?

There's nothing wrong with asking. It just depends why you are asking. Generous and less generous reasons for doing so. I'm sure your is finer NoNarnia.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

There's nothing wrong with asking. It just depends why you are asking. Generous and less generous reasons for doing so. I'm sure your is finer NoNarnia.

How does one establish the difference, and what difference does it make to the outcome?

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom You can suspect from previous evidence, a device often used to determine motive, and it doesn't ultimately make a difference. We are talking on the thread about intention, yes? It's a different point of you, and neither you or I have the final say on the right or wrong answer. Such is the nature of the internet, fortunately.

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom You can suspect from previous evidence, a device often used to determine motive, and it doesn't ultimately make a difference. We are talking on the thread about intention, yes? It's a different point of you, and neither you or I have the final say on the right or wrong answer. Such is the nature of the internet, fortunately. [/quote]
You didn't like the question, hmm?

As an aside Sali Hughes triggers me

What’s that mean?what does sali Hughes trigger?

She triggers annoyance m. She didnt like readers in her guardian column being able to comment on her articles so the guardian just shut off comments forever more.

There was some kind of Twitter showdown involving her and someone else, I can't remember the circumstances

I like her column, had some very good recommendations from her

Years ago I was in hospital ill and one of my closest friends was a nurse in the next ward. She brought me the most useful care package: shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, toothbrush and toothpaste

@CrotchBurn

She triggers annoyance m. She didnt like readers in her guardian column being able to comment on her articles so the guardian just shut off comments forever more.

There was some kind of Twitter showdown involving her and someone else, I can't remember the circumstances

Have you got a reference for that? I thought it was because every single week the comments section got full of goady people arguing about how everyone just needs soap and water and women should stop wasting money on frivolous things. Every week the useful discussion got derailed.

@lubeybooby

I always read those threads for ideas because I'm shit at ideas

Same here. I can curate from suggestions what my friend/relative would like and appreciate based on my personal knowledge of them.

But I can be completely useless at ideas. Since I had DC, my mind goes completely blank at times- like nothing. So I follow those threads or Google ideas or lists like that. I find them useful. Also great way to find out about products or services that were not on your radar