The 'lovely woman wants advice about care package' trope

[MorrisZapp]

Ok here goes. I've noticed a trend on here and on other forums I use, notably a local fb women's group and the Sali Hughes fb forum that goes like this:

Excellent woman with sympatico sense of humour wants to know what she should put in a care package type gift for another excellent woman who is going through a truly terrible time.

The obvious response is 'oh you're lovely, what about cashmere socks?' but my inner cynic can't pipe down.

It wants to know, how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love? And if you just want generic suggestions and you're such a thoughtful and clever person, why can't you think of candles, a beautiful notebook and superb chocolate yourself?

I don't know what my point is. Perhaps I'm a cold fish. I'll put it to a vote.

YABU: god can't people be lovely and kind without professional grinches like you pissing all over it

YANBU: yeah I've noticed that too, it's a bit weird

I’ve asked on here before what to put in a box of stuff to give a friend who had just given birth. I asked because I have no experience of children and babies so didn’t know what to include in that aspect and I haven’t had a child so I didn’t know what would be wanted or needed in that aspect either. People gave me great advice on here.

how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love?

Quite easily, if you have very different tastes. E.g. I haven't a clue about scented candles, but if I knew someone who liked them I might ask for recommendations from more knowledgeable people. Or, if she likes X will she like Y? Or, she's having surgery - can anyone who has had the same operation recommend things to put in a hospital package.

People who are good at gift giving are good at it because they have a knack at seeing something and knowing it'll be a good fit for a specific person. Also, they listen and remember when their friends mention they like/are interested in something. Or they look and remember the likes/dislikes of their loved ones.

None of this can be replicated by a list of generic "lux" products which may or may not be useful or to the taste of a random recipient.

I would be bemused rather than wowed by cashmere socks (although obv grateful for the thought). They'd also get eaten by our bloody moth army.

At first I voted YANBU because I think there is a bit of showboating potential in those types of posts (look at me! Aren't I amazingly kind for my gift giving???) but on reflection, whenever I've seen them they've been more tailored then that and have reflected that the giver doesn't know about the person's particular hobby/interest/life experience os is looking for help so that they don't give a generic gift. So Ive seen people post saying "my goddaughter is really into sewing her own clothes - does anyone have an idea for any gifts" or "brother just has a new baby - mine are now grown so I can't remember but what gifts did you really appreciate?" etc. So I've changed my vote

I have asked about what to get for a friend having breast cancer treatment. I got really helpful suggestions including highlighting skin sensitivity issues. Hadnt thought I might have sounded just virtue signalling. Was a genuine request

It’s sometimes useful for example asking people who’ve had a baby in NICU what would’ve helped them or asking people who’ve had chemo what they would’ve liked. And doing it generally publicly means people can choose whether to respond rather than cornering someone who may be traumatised by being in that situation/still going through it and not want to be reminded of it for example.

HA, Iaughed when I came on this thread

I thought you were talking about care packages in the context of elderly parents and care packages - like setting up a schedule of care for an elderly person (shows what I'm doing at the moment ;-)) This is certainly unreasonable becasue believe me as soon as you make an enquiry about elder care you are bombarded with marketing calls and people whantng to 'help you make the right decision' for your parents beacuse you are literally spending their entire svaing on it. Its so distyasteful. Happy its a more trivial thread (might start my own AIBU )

God knows I'd like a friend to send me totally frivolous present now, but I'm not sure if I'd like them to have posted for advice about it :-). YNBU its a bit 'virtue signally'

FWIW in this situation all a friend needs to do is send me a few bottles of lavender essential oil and some chocolate biscuits and I'm golden.

sorry fro massive typos. Home schooling cabin fever

I think they can be genuine and I often comment on them. A certain post today did strike me as virtue signalling, I won't mention which one t was but OP kept adding and adding details just to make sure everyone knew how kind she was.

It sometimes feel like people are unable to think for themselves, period. "I've got 4 hours to myself. What would you do?", ""Been gifted £20,000, what would you buy?". Really? If you don't know what to do with your own unexpected time to yourself or money then I can't help you 😂

@DorisDances

I have asked about what to get for a friend having breast cancer treatment. I got really helpful suggestions including highlighting skin sensitivity issues. Hadnt thought I might have sounded just virtue signalling. Was a genuine request

But on the subject of the care packages, I can see why asking it might be helpful to ask for advice regarding specific needs, such as this one. I should have read the full thread. (Some are definitely just showboating though, I'm sure 😂)

Why ? Some people are crap at buying practical stuff ..........and as someone who recently spent a week in hospital if like to add an extra long phone charger. To the list.

I’m glad the voting represents what I think yanbu

I think they are genuinely people who just really need to help and advice but most of them are the sort who would film themselves giving a sandwich to a homeless person.

So, you are calling out those who ask for advice about presents for others because you think they want affirmation and attention and you want to highlight the wrongness of it?

Arent you doing the exact same virtue signalling by posting this? you want validation and attention that yes, you are so right to point out those nasty attention whores and clearly you are so above such behaviour!

Alrighty then.

@Russellbrandshair

So, you are calling out those who ask for advice about presents for others because you think they want affirmation and attention and you want to highlight the wrongness of it?

Arent you doing the exact same virtue signalling by posting this? you want validation and attention that yes, you are so right to point out those nasty attention whores and clearly you are so above such behaviour!

Alrighty then.

In my update I said I too felt validated by the poll. I didn't call anyone nasty or a whore and I said I had no argument with the points made.

I'm really pretty boring, sorry.

I never know what to buy people, unless they have a wishlist! So I like those kind of threads for some inspiration.

I sort of know what you mean. It's fine on an anon forum like mumsnet but virtue signalling in real life.

I’ve just had to unfollow someone on FB because today was the limit.

She wrote about how it was a year since the fires here in aus, posting memory photos of where she went to her country cottage and how amazing the whole community was, pulling together...

She finished with “and I am so grateful that I was able to help by providing food and support for all the fireman in the community and be there for them for days and days ” (I’m paraphrasing)... it just irritated the fuck out of me. Why? Why would you put that? There was non-stop photos and being grateful last year, but I thought, well she is doing something amazing, but now it’s just too much.

Anyway, I agree with you.

In my update I said I too felt validated by the poll. I didn't call anyone nasty or a whore and I said I had no argument with the points made

"attention whore" is just a term that means someone who lives for attention, it doesnt mean they are an actual whore.

Anyway, I do admire the fact that you admit you seek validation just as much as the people who post about gifts. Its very self reflective and honest that you can admit that. I guess we all do it to a certain extent in various ways!

The ones that irritate me are the 'What can I buy for a woman in her late 40's/50's?' etc as though we're all some hideous, homogenised middle-aged mass whose dreary lives will be enlivened by a delightful generic gift from a young'un.

I don't bloody know, we're all individuals, with different tastes and interests, much like you, whippersnapper!

If the threads are a annoying why read them.

So sad that people's kind efforts are being interpreted negatively.

To the pp who said there are grinches on this thread. I'd just like to point out that if you are genuinely asking, I think that's fine. If you just want a medal and are virtue signalling not fine. Some people manage to buy stuff for other people/homeless people, without actually have to tell other people about it. That's true generosity.

@lubeybooby

I always read those threads for ideas because I'm shit at ideas

Me too.

I like the handy things to give if someone's in hospital or laid up, or new mum ideas. Something that will make life a bit more comfortable that might not occur to you.

My partner is also ridiculously hard to buy for. He's a minimalist, so it's hard to buy him a decent size gift and not just get him a load of tat. This year I bought him underwear, aftershave, deodorant and shower gel and he was really happy with that. I do hang around those threads to see if I can ever get him a "wow" present... Hasn't happened yet though

Definitely a helicopter lesson for those types.