The 'lovely woman wants advice about care package' trope

[MorrisZapp]

Ok here goes. I've noticed a trend on here and on other forums I use, notably a local fb women's group and the Sali Hughes fb forum that goes like this:

Excellent woman with sympatico sense of humour wants to know what she should put in a care package type gift for another excellent woman who is going through a truly terrible time.

The obvious response is 'oh you're lovely, what about cashmere socks?' but my inner cynic can't pipe down.

It wants to know, how would strangers be better placed than you to know what your sister/close friend/treasured colleague would really love? And if you just want generic suggestions and you're such a thoughtful and clever person, why can't you think of candles, a beautiful notebook and superb chocolate yourself?

I don't know what my point is. Perhaps I'm a cold fish. I'll put it to a vote.

YABU: god can't people be lovely and kind without professional grinches like you pissing all over it

YANBU: yeah I've noticed that too, it's a bit weird

I get what the OP is saying. Not the gift buying for a friend or relative, or the asking for suggestions, it's the whole virtue signalling that goes with it. Plus I hate the term "care package " in this scenario. Like I said care package is something social services puts in and involves carers, meals on wheels and Dial a Ride.

I think it depends on the situation, I would be cynical in some cases but not medical/hospitalization. I had a relative in hospital recently and none of the ideas I had would have been appropriate they wouldn't have been able to use any of them. And then bland gifts seemed impersonal and also running in that they couldn't their usual interests. I didn't ask for advice but maybe I would have got good ideas from people with experience if I had!

@Carouselfish

It's virtue signalling op. Like, look how much I've given to charity instead of sending Christmas cards etc etc. Or, I did something kind for a homeless person and someone just happened to film it and paste it all over the Internet (generally people with a brand and image to uphold). Look up the Jewish tenets of charity, Anonymous for someone you don't know being the most genuinely virtuous. Alternatively look at the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry and Ted Dansom both donate a wing to a gallery but Ted's is 'anonymous' (although he tells everyone) so they all think he's the better person. You can argue its better to do it for self promotion than not at all I suppose.

Can I just say in advance, if I ask for suggestions for gifts on an anonymous forum, I am certainly not "virtue-signalling". What on earth would be the point in posting so people think a random username is possibly giving a present to someone?!

This is quite a revealing thread - I try to take what people post at face value to an extent, without projecting motives for posting, but I have seen the levels of projection on Mumsnet where people can't separate their beliefs that there must be something for the poster to 'gain' from posting from the actual question being asked.

“Care package” - what’s wrong with “nice present”? I think the term is used by the same people who say “fur babies.”

The ones that make me laugh the most are the "what can i buy my child aged x for xmas / birthday?"......no further clues as to what this child might like or do for hobbies etc.

I agree that sometimes the threads are people genuinely looking for advice from people who would have a better idea (eg. what might be useful for someone in hospital/first time mum etc) but seems like quite often they are just wanting to advertise what they are doing.

Just before Christmas my local Facebook group had a variation on this- people saying they wanted to make gift boxes/food parcels for people in need and asking for suggestions of what to include and who in the area might be in need of one. On every single one people suggested asking the foodbank what they need and/or donating to one of the charities in the area doing the same thing. Every single one gave some spurious reason why they didn't want to do that. I can only assume they wanted to make sure they got the credit and admiration for being so lovely rather than to make an anonymous gift.

I’m so institutionalised. To me POC is a carer providing self care,physical help,medication monitoring

These things drive me mad too.

Before Christmas there was someone creating "care packages" for a local women's refuge and collecting donations of hot water bottles, bath bombs and fluffy socks.
Only problem was she hadn't even spoken to the refuge to see if this would be helpful. My friend who works there part-time said most of it went to charity shops as
a) the place is extremely well heated (TOO hot at times)
b) there are no baths - only shower rooms
but they were still obliged to post for a FB photo with this woman and look grateful

Sorry, it was me who said 'care package', not necessarily the OPs asking for suggestions. I hadn't thought of the home care use of the expression.

Interesting spread of thought. I can't argue with any of the points made. I really hope I don't have to explain that I didn't mean advice about how to sensitively memorialise a lost baby.

There's another angle I wasn't brave enough to say in my first post. Not so much here but on another forum I use for beauty fans, I wonder if some posters are fishing for DMs saying 'actually I got a Diptyque candle for Christmas that isn't my kind of fragrance, would you like me to pop it in the post to you?'. Obviously that's a feeling rather than anything I've seen actual evidence of.

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite anyway. I'm genuinely not the kind of person who wants internet strangers to tell her she's lovely, but on checking the poll I found I am the kind of person who wants the internet to tell them they're right.

Anyway, one last thought. Cashmere socks seem very 'main present' to me, and not an ingredient in a parcel of goodies. My own virtue would feel better rewarded by my sister saying 'omg you got me cashmere socks!!' rather than 'oh a cute lip balm, I love it! And nice socks too' which she would say about a pile of nice things. You almost dilute the impact by putting more in.

I think it's odd as well.

I'd be patronized and irritated if someone gave me a box full of shit like candles, socks and chocolate.

YANBU. Either complete lack of imagination, or stealth virtue signalling

I think YABU. Why would someone bother about trying to look 'caring' to s load of strangers on the internet?
And I think I know my children pretty well but I still have to Google ideas for their presents, they are too little to ask for things themselves or have any realistic ideas and I am just not that creative. Sometimes I ask friends what they've got their kids for inspiration.

[quote FenEel]Speaking of socks I agree cashmere ones sound a faff but have just bought myself these and very much looking forward to receiving them.

www.marksandspencer.com/2-pack-velvet-ankle-high-socks/p/clp60477138?extid=ps_ps-gpla_ggl_lg_ch__-UK-_-_grow&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=CjwKCAiAouD_BRBIEiwALhJH6Nmr_9DbW1EwH3jFLonNJ1Emp143cpW8aeYNqgLcFsMpCFL50y_oeBoCTUkQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds[/quote]
I have them and they're lovely. Wearing a pair now in fact. They're so soft.

I find it odd that there are so many grinches out there who seem to be proud of their point of view. Giving to others is a great feeling, especially when you have been the recipient of kindness and generosity yourself. Several friends and I were recently inspired by a news story to donate old laptops to local schools. One person put it on fb, which then gave the idea to a few more. It was about sharing information and a way to help out, not ringing your own bell.

I hear you.

I was on s&b a while ago and there was a thread about dungarees and lots of posters saying ''i love mine'' and ''i've just ordered another pair''. And I googled them and they were the most hideous yokes, i found it impossible to believe that legions of people genuinely liked them. they looked like something I would have made on the school sewing machine when I was 14 in home ec class. I was deeeeeeeply suspicious.

@Mylittlesandwich

I got some lovely ideas on a thread I made a few months ago. A friend who lives far away was finally pregnant and I was so excited for her but I am terrible at gift buying and didn't know what to get her.

You weren’t buying her a gift for being pregnant were you? That’s not a thing. So you were just buying a gift for the baby when it was born? Have you really no idea what to buy for a new baby?

A lot of people do get their ego inflated from being admired (for their generosity, for their long blonde hair, for the unbeaten record breaking long distance jump in 1989, whatever)

Anybody with a shaky sense of themselves likes to be admired. Hell, even the rest of us like to be admired I'm sure. So to ask what somebody gets from being admired for their generosity by a bunch of strangers shows a poor understanding of human nature I think.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

I think YABU. Why would someone bother about trying to look 'caring' to s load of strangers on the internet? And I think I know my children pretty well but I still have to Google ideas for their presents, they are too little to ask for things themselves or have any realistic ideas and I am just not that creative. Sometimes I ask friends what they've got their kids for inspiration.

Social media is absolutely chock full of people embellishing their lives or virtue signalling or taking photos of themselves giving a homeless person a sandwich so that strangers can tell them what a brilliant person they are.

Asking for a specific idea to send to to someone in a particular situation - I can see why suggestions from people who know what being in that situation is like can be useful. But really, a ‘care package’ basically just says “I care about you and am sending you a little something to let you know that because you’re my friend.” It really doesn’t matter what’s inside, because the real gift is knowing that your friend is thinking of you, and that gives you a little boost and cheers you up. Just send your friend the chocolate you know they like or some flowers with a nice note.

When it's for specific situations that the giver hasn't been through eg. chemo and is asking for advice from people who have and know what will be useful then that's fine.
I do know what you mean about a certain type of person who wants praise for doing the nice thing.

What's a sympatico sense of humour ?

I genuinely dont understand why this would be so baffling to you?

I know LOTS of people who are crap at gift giving and its simply not their strong point- they have little imagination or ideas what to give others. They might be fantastic in other ways but in this way they suck.
There is nothing wrong with asking for ideas and suggestions.
Frankly, I find it rather odd that you think this is somehow nefarious. Unless they are asking for people to send them stuff or begging it seems completely OTT to get upset over this.

You call in a care package in Call of Duty, that’s what it means to me so maybe a tactical nuke.

It is people wanting to be seen to be nice, virtual signalling wankers. I’m off FB and have been for years but my SIL was Queen of this, in real life she is one of the nastiest people I have ever met. Even heard her be critical of a friend who had just got the all clear from cancer.

The only place I have ever talked about what I have done charity wise is on here because no one knows me.

Virtue not virtual though!

I think it's a bit different on an anonymous forum like MN, which is read by tens of thousands, so asking for ideas might be useful for other readers and isn't so showing-offy. But on a local fb forum I'm guessing there is an element of 'oh aren't I so lovely'. Even more grinchy, I get a bit like that about someone on my street fb page who organises a collection for a foodbank - yeah yeah, we know, shuttup already.

YABU to use the term "care package". Yuk!