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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/01/2021 11:46

“It’s easy to be outraged about a strangers life and tell them what they should do. Often they know what they need to do but it’s just not that simple in reality.

I guess sometimes knowing that so many people feel that you should do something and are outraged on your behalf might spur you on, but real life relationships and situations are never as simple as they seem when written down.”

This should be pinned to the Talk homepage.

NettleTea · 09/01/2021 11:59

i really hope that your standing up to her and refusing to back down to her abuse and tantrums might be a turning point for others in your friendship group

mcmooberry · 09/01/2021 12:27

Aw you sound very low OP and maybe you haven't slept a wink , I would be the same as I hate this kind of conflict (but equally would probably not have slept for so clearly breaking the law re covid). You have absolutely done the right thing and you will feel less shaky as the days go on. Sorry you have had such an awful time recently, she would have been no company or comfort to you today so just try and chill and be proud of yourself for doing what was very difficult but right.

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 09/01/2021 12:30

Our actions have consequences in life whether we like it or not and friends shouldn't have to put up with all kinds of toxic damaging crap just because you want to be with a certain person. Thats not a "friend" in my definition of the word.

Would we give do the same if the tradesman was a tradeswoman and her partner was a toxic, abusive bloke? Would we cut her off? Would we take away a probably much needed friendship and leave her alone to her abuser?

polkadotpjs · 09/01/2021 12:31

I hope the work is progressing nicely without any hassle

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 09/01/2021 12:34

Would we give do the same if the tradesman was a tradeswoman and her partner was a toxic, abusive bloke? Would we cut her off? Would we take away a probably much needed friendship and leave her alone to her abuser

If her partner was threatening me, then I'd have to think very carefully about this. My safety and the safety of my family come first before anything and I am not obliged to put myself in harms way for someone else's relationship. In that scenario I would probably reassure her that I'll always be there for her and that she could ring me any time if she wants to escape and could provide a safe place but that I cannot be around someone who puts me and my family at risk.

In this case, he's male and he doesnt appear to be taking her actions that seriously at all by the sounds of it. So clearly, it doesnt bother him that much does it?

billy1966 · 09/01/2021 12:52

@MzHz

Look, she is HIS problem.

She is no longer yours.

Nod and look sympathetic but don’t get drawn in. You’ve done nothing wrong, anyone with half a brain cell knows you’ve done nothing wrong so breathe

Is your OH with you today? Let him deal with it.

You’ve been very brave, well done

This.
Russellbrandshair · 09/01/2021 12:57

In this situation he is not responsible for her behaviour

Neither is the OP responsible for their relationship in any shape or form.
She can do what she needs to protect herself and it is not her responsibility to fix this mess either. In fact, getting overly involved in domestic abuse situations always ends badly, not only for the victim but for the people interfering aswell. It can make what is already a tinder box, explode.

OP is best staying well out of this situation completely. Well done OP- you are doing very well. Once this is over I would never be asking him back to do any work until he gets rid of her.

Vicason · 09/01/2021 13:04

She's not a friend if she'd have to 'kick off and invite herself over' I could never imagine doing that to any of my friends and I'm on my own 100% of the time during lockdown.

I'd stand your ground, apologise and say you don't want it to affect your friendship but rules are rules and you don't want anyone to get sick. If she doesn't like it, let her kick off and block her and phone the police if she does turn up.

aesher · 09/01/2021 13:19

@arethereanyleftatall

'Ah, just realised you're not allowed to come over in lock down. Tradesmen only. Another time.'
This is all you need to say
tallbirduk · 09/01/2021 13:26

Ahh, no no, I didn’t mean that she had to put herself out to be super chummy with the Bf, more that the calls for OP’s DP to dump his mate didn’t seem right.

I agree, OP should stay well out of it and leave her DP and the Bf to it.

As it goes, I can imagine conversations about future work might go like this:
OP DP “look mate, might be best if I get someone else to do the rest of the work, less hassle all round”
BB Bf “yeah, understood, no problem”
Op DP “cool. Brew?”

popNlock · 09/01/2021 13:29

I'm glad you have been able to distance yourself op. You certainly didnt need the stressFlowers

I do feel bad for this womans partner though. He is very obviously being abused by her too

Original poster
freshmonth · 09/01/2021 13:41

Thanks all. So far so good :)

OP posts:
toocold54 · 09/01/2021 13:46

Thank you all, her partner has arrived. No sign of her but he's had an earful all night.

I doubt after this she will still have a partner. He must be so embarrassed and fed up that she almost cost him a job. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Stand your ground OP and watch as others do the same.

Floomobal · 09/01/2021 13:49

I think it’s great that you’re still having the work done. It’s not her DP’s fault, and it would affect his income to cancel. Also shows your “friend” that the world doesn’t revolve around her, and things don’t stop just because she’s not involved. I’d be tempted to have him do all the future work too

notapizzaeater · 09/01/2021 14:12

Glad the works getting done, can your DP signpost his friend to some support. Must be horrible living like this

Hoiking · 09/01/2021 14:34

Maybe seeing people in real life having to take dramatic steps to 'protect' themselves from her craziness, will give the partner the nudge he needs to dump her himself?
Xx

BlueThistles · 09/01/2021 14:50

Why does this guy stay with someone so controlling and manipulative ... horrible way to live ... poor guy...

so glad he arrived alone OP ☺️

StElsewhere · 09/01/2021 14:55

There's no way in OP's shoes I'd be getting DP to "signpost his friend to some support". It might get back to the frenemy and then can you imagine the carnage and accusations. You do not want to be the person who this woman sees as trying to break up her relationship. OP's been through enough already. She needs to work on her personal boundaries which (as she said she's a people pleaser) will include leaving people to fix their own problems.

MzHz · 09/01/2021 15:17

@StElsewhere

There's no way in OP's shoes I'd be getting DP to "signpost his friend to some support". It might get back to the frenemy and then can you imagine the carnage and accusations. You do not want to be the person who this woman sees as trying to break up her relationship. OP's been through enough already. She needs to work on her personal boundaries which (as she said she's a people pleaser) will include leaving people to fix their own problems.
I agree.

If the bloke wants to reach out to his mate, I think he will, in his own time. The main thing is not to Harangue him - be calm, welcoming and understanding. He’ll open up when and if he’s ready.

Carolofthebellies · 09/01/2021 15:22

Why does this guy stay with someone so controlling and manipulative ... horrible way to live ... poor guy...

He could be similar to her or he could be simply stronger than her. Best sex ever etc.
He doesn't seek help so he is probably alright.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 09/01/2021 15:36

@Carolofthebellies

Why does this guy stay with someone so controlling and manipulative ... horrible way to live ... poor guy...

He could be similar to her or he could be simply stronger than her. Best sex ever etc.
He doesn't seek help so he is probably alright.

I agree- a lot of assumptions being made here but we dont really know why he puts up with it.

I know both men and women who put up with very dysfunctional relationships due to intense physical attraction- just look at johnny depp and amber heard as an example!

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/01/2021 15:45

He could be similar to her or he could be simply stronger than her. Best sex ever etc. He doesn't seek help so he is probably alright.

Or maybe she's so controlling that he's been ground down by it and doesn't have the fight left to change things even though he should. Maybe his self esteem is at rock bottom.

There are many posts on MN where a woman has found herself in that situation, but it's not a purely female condition.

jakeyboy1 · 09/01/2021 15:50

She's unhinged.
No wonder her DP prefers to be working.

Riv · 09/01/2021 15:53

@Vicason and @aesher, you haven't read the full thread have you? Things have moved on.
The "frenemy" didn't take it calmly and she certainly doesn't need any apologies!

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