Do I have a right to be angry about this? (Trans related)

[Nc109283485]

Nc for obvious reasons. This is a very personal issue to me which I am understandably sensitive about, so this may be why I feel this way. I am perfectly happy to be told I AMBU! I believe trans people deserve love and respect and a happy life just like everyone else. So why did this concern and anger me?

I have a condition called vaginismus which has been very traumatic and caused me lots of grief over my life. In my eyes it is a very personal and female problem. (Look if up if you're not sure what it is).

I have tried to join a support group on a social media platform to really get to the bottom of it and sort it out. I wont say which one as dont want to 'out' either myself or the group involved. My request was pending and a message sent. I assumed this was to confirm I definitely suffer from this condition and to make sure I wasn't some strange pervert, but no! The administrator messaged me to say that before I was accepted I would have to answer a 'test question' as this is a gender inclusive group. Will I be addressing group members as 'ladies, men or everyone'. The tone felt quite aggressive and if I did not pass this test I would not be admitted.

My first thought was are men allowed to enter this group? Do I really have to speak about my vagina in front of 'everyone'? Why not say hello ladies (and the occasional transman who currently has issues with their vagina) no I have to address everyone? Wtf?

I honestly don't know what to think right now but this group clearly isn't for me. But maybe I just need some re-education?

It would be like the police alerts about the woman on the run after committing an assault.

Said woman was a man... a man who occasionally asked to be referred to a 'she'.

Yes I think they said "a woman who occasionally dresses as a man"

Non binary would be fun...

Operator: can you tell me who we are looking for

Caller: yes they have dark hair blue eyes and they are wearing an orange t shirt and black jeans.

Operator: are they male or female

Caller: neither

Would -10 year old boy, wearing a dress, has long hair in pigtails, has sparkly shoes on, goes by the name or Sarah, but I must make sure that you know that they are looking for a boy and because that's much, much easier all round - be better?

Well given being a girl isn't dresses and long hair then knowing the sex of the person you are looking for would be a big help to those involved who are not there making a value judgement but you know, trying to help

I can only imagine the call handler's face. "Hi, my friend is missing. She is a woman with a penis and possibly two testicles (but I haven't seen them so can't confirm)."

Honestly, that's hilarious. Oh the laughs I had when my loved one was missing. So funny.

I think you are right, Eresh

Lunacy!

And lemon I choose not to believe you as I can't imagine anyone, in that moment of fear, telling the police anything that would confuse the issue. "My female friend with cock and balls has gone missing" or "My transwoman friend has gone missing". I know which makes more sense as a visual description...

Well given being a girl isn't dresses and long hair then knowing the sex of the person you are looking for would be a big help to those involved who are not there making a value judgement but you know, trying to help

Just making a point, not saying all girls wear dresses or have long hair at all, but, of course, you know that.

Well yes the fact that the people who know them think of them as a man or womn is neither here nor there. When the wider public is needed , volunteers are assembling a search party , eveeyone needs to know who they are looking for.

Well given being a girl isn't dresses and long hair then knowing the sex of the person you are looking for would be a big help to those involved who are not there making a value judgement but you know, trying to help

Yes, exactly.

Ooh! Yes! Quite agree!

Whatwouldscullydo exactly.

I may choose to call transwoman friend by his chosen feminine name, to accord him the same politeness I do everyone else, but I don't think he is female (not does he, incidentally). So any visual description would have to encompass him being a man who presents himself as a woman. Most especially when he was in physical danger.

AndlemonI choose not to believe you as I can't imagine anyone, in that moment of fear, telling the policeanythingthat would confuse the issue.

I cant force you to believe me at all, but its true. There was no confusion. I described my person, with language that the police understood and I was clear, and respectful.

Given the reason they even went missing in the first place was blatant transphobia, discrimination and bullying the last thing I was going to do was make the situation worse.

Yes why would you purposely mislead or confuse people who have no interest in anything other than doing their job and helping to try and ensure uour loved ones are returned safely to their family and friends. Clothes can be changed and dumped. Hair dyed or cut. Hats worn etc

Sex age and distinguishing features must be the most important detail you can give . Preferably one that wouldn't constitute sexual harassment by requesting to see...

It's clearly not helpful in a public appeal for information on a serious crime to call an obvious male wearing a wig "a woman who sometimes dresses as a man". But a police force did.

Yes why would you purposely mislead or confuse people who have no interest in anything other than doing their job and helping to try and ensure uour loved ones are returned safely to their family and friends. Clothes can be changed and dumped. Hair dyed or cut. Hats worn etc

Sex age and distinguishing features must be the most important detail you can give . Preferably one that wouldn't constitute sexual harassment by requesting to see...

In the case of my loved one it would have been more detrimental to the police for me to suggest they were looking for a sex that my loved one doesn't identify with.

Why would I say (for example) you're looking for an 18 year old girl in a blue hoodie with short blonde hair and a green hat, blue jeans and white trainers, her name is Julie Smith, when that 18 year old is taking testosterone and has facial hair, wears a binder so has no obvious breasts and wouldn't answer to being called a woman or their birth name at all, and wouldn't be approached anyway because they don't look like a 'woman' in any way. They wouldn't even have been approached.

I would say they were the sex they were, but identified as the opposite one. Which is the truth.

Sex isn't identity though

No one searches for identities. They search for people. For that you need accurate descriptions.

I would be very concerned about the state of mind of someone who would rather not be found and undergo the harm/danger of not being found than face reality. And I would question how "kind" I was being in contributing to the situation by telling them what they wanted to hear rather than the truth.

FFS! Police need to know the observable truth. You ask that they address the individual as preferred. But the physical description has to not only be accurate but lacking in cognitive dissonance! Talk of genitalia at that point is utterly unecessary!

The trauma experienced by inadvertent misgendering at the point of irrevocable self harm can be addressed later.

No one searches for identities. They search for people. For that you need accurate descriptions

Which i gave.

I would say they were the sex they were, but identified as the opposite one. Which is the truth.

I said they were male/female and had a vagina/penis (I don't wish to specify). I know you don't agree with that, but its wording that is clear, and remains respectful to my loved one.

Just going to leave this here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4033284-Another-one-for-Irish-Feminists-this-person-holds-a-GRC-and-might-soon-be-held-in-Dochas-prison-with-women-and-childrem

The trauma experienced by inadvertent misgendering at the point of irrevocable self harm can be addressed later

This is something I've felt all along really. Facts don't care how we feel about them they just exist. At some point facts have to be faced. Now in these instances the moments these facts have to be acknowledged are very likely to be at times where they are in a horrible place anyway. Missing. Sick. Unconscious. Pregnant with complications. Etc

Are those realky the times and places that these things should be realised.

I cannot imagine doing that to someone I cared about

I cannot imagine doing that to someone I cared about

I can't imagine using deliberately hurtful language about/towards my loved one when there are other options that are just as clear.

Enough! Too much of a merail!

OP - my apologies!

I said they were male/female and had a vagina/penis

How is that detail helpful? Are they supposed to check? Sometimes facts matter. Giving a police description based on the wrong sex isn't the kind, righteous thing you think it is.

there are other options that are just as clear.

No, the option you mention isn't "just as clear".