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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that she should have explained the gifts?

116 replies

Bu2244 · 06/01/2021 01:29

NC for this as I'm an avid poster on MN and not sure if I'll get roasted for this post.
I had some new neighbours move in next door August 2019. A husband and wife, both in their late 50s.
Last christmas eve (2019) the DW knocked on my door and handed me a christmas card, a bottle of pink gin, a tub of celebrations and 2 selection boxes for the DC. I said thank you and apologised for not getting them anything in return but was told they wanted nothing in return and told me to enjoy the gin and chocolates and wished me a merry Christmas (I did send them a thank you note just like I did with everyone else who gave us gifts which they greatly appreciated).
Christmas just been I came home to find a gift bag left in my porch from the lovely neighbours which contained, red wine, hot Chocolte stirrers, selection boxes for my 2 DC and a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat which were delicious by the way!
The neighbours have been very kind with me and the DC during the lockdowns last year, they gave us outdoor toys that belong to their grandchildren (they couldn't use as they couldn't visit) and always offered to pick essentials up from the shop for us, gave DC Easter eggs and sweets for DC on birthdays when they spotted banners and balloons on our front door. So, when I did my christmas shopping I purchased a M&S wine and chocolates hamper for them. A couple of days after I received their gift I took the hamper round and the DH answered the door. He was very grateful and told me how thoughtful I was, and how I made them feel welcomed and how lovely my DC were, he ended the speech by telling me to keep the hamper for myself to enjoy and to not waste my money on them. I insisted he should take the hamper to enjoy with his DW as thanks for being brilliant and thoughtful neighbours all year.
He became a little uncomfortable and explained neither he or his DW drink alcohol and as a type 1 diabetics he doesn't eat chocolate and his DW is vegan and also lactose intolerant so she can only eat certain chocolates. I apologised and said I had no idea and just assumed they ate chocolates and drunk alcohol because of the gifts I had received. He apologised profusely for the misunderstanding and explained the chocolates and alcohol I'd received the last 2 christmases were gifts given to the DW by children/parents and colleagues at the school she works at and because they couldn't consume them she handed them out to friends and neighbours to enjoy which is a lovely thing for her to do but I wish I had known so I could have purchased something appropriate for them. I ended up taking the hamper home.
I haven't really seen them all christmas apart from once or twice but a couple of nights ago the DW knocked on my door and said she wanted to apologise for rejecting my gift and that she had been too embarrassed to come round before now and if she had known I was going to buy them something then she would have explained.
AIBU to think she should have given some sort of explanation? I would have still viewed them as christmas gifts as they're still gifts and I wouldn't have been any less grateful especially that she thought of me and the DC when distributing them but it would have saved some embarrassment for both me and the neighbours?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 06/01/2021 01:33

It would surely be rude to knock on the door and say "here have these because we tee-total vegans and we don't want them".

I mean I understand why you gifted what you did, but I'm not sure with little you don't know that well and you're just getting to be nice, if it's that simple

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2021 01:36

I wouldn't be embarrassed by this at all. It was just an oversight, misunderstanding, whatever. It really doesn't matter. You didn't do anything to be embarrassed about and neither did they. They are lovely people who have you lovely gifts. Next time you can get them a plant or something else appropriate. I wouldn't waste another second of emotional energy pondering this.

InTheSnow · 06/01/2021 01:37

Sounds like the husband is little bit direct and frank, maybe that’s just his way. No big deal here I think.

emilyfrost · 06/01/2021 01:39

YABVU. She doesn’t need to explain anything; your feelings of embarrassment are not her responsibility.

Pipandmum · 06/01/2021 01:43

No your neighbours didn't need to explain anything to you. They didn't have to give you any gifts, but thought you would appreciate them, it doesn't matter how they got them.
I think you are annoyed because you were embarrassed about your own gift, whereas you shouldn't be at all.
I do have to wonder about virtual strangers exchanging gifts - I'll give you a bottle of wine and oh how lovely you've given me...a bottle of wine. Just forget about it.

littlefireseverywhere · 06/01/2021 01:43

Sounds as if she was very well intentioned in her gifts & they explained to you why they didn’t want your hamper. No harm done, you know for next time. Nice neighbours are eortb their weight in gold!

littlefireseverywhere · 06/01/2021 01:43

Worth!

Wingedharpy · 06/01/2021 01:44

2019 she told you they wanted nothing in return.

Personally, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Sounds like you are both lovely neighbours. Forget the gifts.

BasiliskStare · 06/01/2021 01:46

Ah - you did something nice - but did you honestly expect neighbours to shove a card through your letter box to say - Oh Neighbour - in case you want to buy something for us ' give us something - here are photocopies of our prescriptions so could you behave accordingly.

You did a kind thing & now you know you can buy something more appropriate - if you choose to - it sounds like they were grateful for the thought.

Apileofballyhoo · 06/01/2021 01:50

She could have easily passed the gifts on to somebody else but she chose to give them to you. She may have bought selection boxes etc specifically for your DC as I doubt anyone would give those to an adult as a gift tbh. I think it's all fine, just forget about it. Her DH might have been wiser to take your gift and say nothing, or she might have been wiser to explain to you in the beginning but it's not a big deal.

grapefruitish · 06/01/2021 01:50

Now you know, everyone can forget the awkwardness, you can get an appropriate gift next year and enjoy their unwanted booty as a bonus!

BumpGrowingAndINeedPantsPlease · 06/01/2021 01:56

Your neighbours sound very nice and so do you. I can see both sides. If if it were me I would have probably said they were things I’ve been given but couldn’t eat/drink and would love to see them enjoyed by your family just to explain it and that I didn’t want or need anything in return. Maybe they were unsure how to explain it and that’s why they didn’t mention the reason.

I would suggest you buy a little selection of goodies maybe a fruit and veg box suitable for both of their diets and some vegan chocolates for the DW. Just as a gesture and put in a little note like last time.

MrsEricBana · 06/01/2021 01:58

Yes, no weirdness or explanations required here. You all sound kind and thoughtful. Flowers next time!

DramaAlpaca · 06/01/2021 02:01

Honestly, this is no big deal. I'm only just a bit younger than your neighbours. They sound lovely and so do you. No need to feel awkward or embarrassed at all, and you know for next year.

happystone · 06/01/2021 02:04

You both sound like lovely neighbord in years to come your both me making jokes and laughing about this. It’s a misunderstanding you are both great don’t worry about it

Dogissue · 06/01/2021 02:07

I dont think she had any need to tell you their dietary requirements, and I dont think you should be embarrassed, you werent to know.
I'd not buy a fruit and veg box (vegan stereotype, I'm a vegan and I'd not have much use for fruit, seldom eat it)! I'd buy them both something non-food related, or when the DH told me I'd have asked if she DOES like chocolate and got her some vegan ones. I guess that ship has sailed now unless you pass his path again.

Perhaps buy something like vegan jellies or toiletries , a lovely plant, something nice for their garden, do you know anything about them for more clues as to what they may both like?

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2021 02:14

I don't think the neighbours need to explain the 'source' of the gifts nor should you feel bad because they couldn't enjoy what you bought for them. This happens when you don't really know the person you're buying something for. Food and drink is especially tricky, even without dietary or lifestyle needs.

You'll know for next year. Maybe a lovely Christmas bouquet/floral centrepiece or a poinsettia.

user686833 · 06/01/2021 02:27

I bet they had a right row about what he said Grin. I think she would have accepted the hamper graciously and regifted or been less direct and that is why she didn't feel the need to explain. Don't dwell on it too much and next year get them a plant.

Lou98 · 06/01/2021 02:33

Your neighbours sound lovely! I really don't understand the issue, you said you're just as grateful for the gifts even though they're regifts so why does it matter? I get you're embarrassed and wish they'd said something to avoid that but see it from the other side, I'm sure your neighbour would have been embarrassed dropping off a present and explaining it was a gift they didn't want off someone else. Now you know for next year, no issue.

billy1966 · 06/01/2021 02:34

All really well meant I would think.
She probably was a bit cross had his directness, however kindly meant.

They sound like really great neighbours which I believe is one of life's great blessings.

BlackCatShadow · 06/01/2021 02:36

I wouldn’t buy them things as suggested by a PP. It sounds like they get too much as it is. Just thank them and tell them if there is ever anything they need, to let you know. Sometimes, receiving gifts can be kind of a burden, so actually you are helping them by receiving the gifts and giving them a good home, if that makes sense.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 06/01/2021 02:47

Well now you know to get them sugar free vegan choc next year and Ikea alcohol free mulled wine!

Nicolastuffedone · 06/01/2021 03:51

He probably told you so that you didn’t waste money every Christmas buying them chocolate hampers they couldn’t eat. I don’t think he said anything wrong.

Jillypots · 06/01/2021 04:04

They sound like lovely neighbours, although it’s clear there’s been a bit of a break in communication. Nonetheless, they sound amazing, and after all the threads on here about appalling neighbours it’s so nice to read about genuinely nice and decent people.

Suzi888 · 06/01/2021 04:15

Wish I had neighbours like that, rather than the psychotics I haveGrin.
Just get them a diet appropriate gift or a voucher next time.

I don’t think they could bring up where their gifts originated really, bit awkward? “Here’s my unwanted Christmas stuff Xmas Blushvoila for you!” lol

On a side note considering the general feeling about parents purchasing presents for teachers, I wonder how they’d feel knowing their gifts are unwanted and being regifted to others. Some parents struggle to purchase these gifts! Hmm