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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that she should have explained the gifts?

116 replies

Bu2244 · 06/01/2021 01:29

NC for this as I'm an avid poster on MN and not sure if I'll get roasted for this post.
I had some new neighbours move in next door August 2019. A husband and wife, both in their late 50s.
Last christmas eve (2019) the DW knocked on my door and handed me a christmas card, a bottle of pink gin, a tub of celebrations and 2 selection boxes for the DC. I said thank you and apologised for not getting them anything in return but was told they wanted nothing in return and told me to enjoy the gin and chocolates and wished me a merry Christmas (I did send them a thank you note just like I did with everyone else who gave us gifts which they greatly appreciated).
Christmas just been I came home to find a gift bag left in my porch from the lovely neighbours which contained, red wine, hot Chocolte stirrers, selection boxes for my 2 DC and a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat which were delicious by the way!
The neighbours have been very kind with me and the DC during the lockdowns last year, they gave us outdoor toys that belong to their grandchildren (they couldn't use as they couldn't visit) and always offered to pick essentials up from the shop for us, gave DC Easter eggs and sweets for DC on birthdays when they spotted banners and balloons on our front door. So, when I did my christmas shopping I purchased a M&S wine and chocolates hamper for them. A couple of days after I received their gift I took the hamper round and the DH answered the door. He was very grateful and told me how thoughtful I was, and how I made them feel welcomed and how lovely my DC were, he ended the speech by telling me to keep the hamper for myself to enjoy and to not waste my money on them. I insisted he should take the hamper to enjoy with his DW as thanks for being brilliant and thoughtful neighbours all year.
He became a little uncomfortable and explained neither he or his DW drink alcohol and as a type 1 diabetics he doesn't eat chocolate and his DW is vegan and also lactose intolerant so she can only eat certain chocolates. I apologised and said I had no idea and just assumed they ate chocolates and drunk alcohol because of the gifts I had received. He apologised profusely for the misunderstanding and explained the chocolates and alcohol I'd received the last 2 christmases were gifts given to the DW by children/parents and colleagues at the school she works at and because they couldn't consume them she handed them out to friends and neighbours to enjoy which is a lovely thing for her to do but I wish I had known so I could have purchased something appropriate for them. I ended up taking the hamper home.
I haven't really seen them all christmas apart from once or twice but a couple of nights ago the DW knocked on my door and said she wanted to apologise for rejecting my gift and that she had been too embarrassed to come round before now and if she had known I was going to buy them something then she would have explained.
AIBU to think she should have given some sort of explanation? I would have still viewed them as christmas gifts as they're still gifts and I wouldn't have been any less grateful especially that she thought of me and the DC when distributing them but it would have saved some embarrassment for both me and the neighbours?

OP posts:
Di11y · 06/01/2021 08:52

I think a subtle the school children are so generous and we like to spread the cheer would have not gone amiss.

Redsquirrel5 · 06/01/2021 08:54

I wouldn’t think they needed to tell you when they parted with gifts and they probably bought the selection boxes.
Since they have been such caring neighbours why don’t you get some flowers for them now as the house always looks bare at this time of year.

squiglet111 · 06/01/2021 08:56

Your neighbors sound lovely. Don't worry about the situation, what's done is done, next time a vegan hamper?

Charlie63849 · 06/01/2021 09:05

No I don’t think they should of explained. Next time just get them a pot plant, candle, vegan chocolates instead.

Rainb0wDrops · 06/01/2021 09:07

And this is why no good ever comes from being vegan!!!

Seatime · 06/01/2021 09:10

It's poor behaviour that the neighbours were essentially offloading unwanted gifts to you, without an explanation. It was misleading. They let you believe that they were extremely generous neighbours, when they actually couldn't consume the items.

If she had said, l work at a school and get all these gifts that I can't eat, would you like some? That would have been transparent. You could then decide to accept or not, knowing the reality. Not thinking you had fairy god-neighbours, which you then felt obliged to reciprocate. How much did you spend on the M&S hampers?

ferneytorro · 06/01/2021 09:24

But, if they were able to tell the original poster that they didn’t want the hamper why aren’t they equally able to tell the people who are giving them the gifts they are passing onto the op that they don’t want them.My daughters friend who is a neighbour gave us cupcakes yesterday which she was going to take to school as it was her birthday but couldn’t as they are at home now. She managed to explain why we were getting the cupcakes and she’s 11 so not sure why the neighbour couldn’t.

SpiderGwen · 06/01/2021 09:34

Don’t sweat it. They are good neighbours and kind people. They don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor do you need to feel awkward about the hamper. It’s best they tell you than you buy something unsuitable year after year. What a waste of your money that would be.

A plant or some flowers in future. And lucky you having great neighbours! Our neighbours are wonderful too, and it’s been such a pleasure to know them.

IntermittentParps · 06/01/2021 09:41

I think you're both being a bit weird TBH. I don't know why you assumed they ate chocolates and drank alcohol just because they gave those things to you; I take people bottles of wine etc if I go round for dinner, even though I don't drink.
I also don't think they needed to explain their diet and drinking habits to you.
And I don't know why the neighbour felt the need to apologise. She could easily regift the hamper (just like she regifted the chocs and alcohol to you!)

But overall I think no harm done.

wowfudge · 06/01/2021 09:44

@grapefruitish

Now you know, everyone can forget the awkwardness, you can get an appropriate gift next year and enjoy their unwanted booty as a bonus!
This, plain and simple. This year get them something they'll be able to appreciate.
LaceyBetty · 06/01/2021 09:48

This is such a non-issue. Even if the gifts were re-gifts, they still are the things I would buy for a young family, even though I would have no interest in them myself.

Ariela · 06/01/2021 09:48

I have had a similar-ish sort of problem, and this year I repaid many years of unwanted bottles of wine pressed upon me in a way that I find impossible to refuse even though I barely drink (she knows they do raffle prizes) by commissioning a lovely hand drawn picture of their very pretty, wisteria and cottage flowers everywhere cottage, and had it framed. I explained it with a note saying I wanted to support the artist this year as her usual avenue of artist trail did not happen, and hoped they liked it.
Well they were delighted!

Rainb0wDrops · 06/01/2021 09:50

@ferneytorro

But, if they were able to tell the original poster that they didn’t want the hamper why aren’t they equally able to tell the people who are giving them the gifts they are passing onto the op that they don’t want them.My daughters friend who is a neighbour gave us cupcakes yesterday which she was going to take to school as it was her birthday but couldn’t as they are at home now. She managed to explain why we were getting the cupcakes and she’s 11 so not sure why the neighbour couldn’t.
Because she works in a school. It would be incredibly rude to tell school children she doesn't want their gifts. Better to accept graciously and regift as she has done. Also if she did tell her whole class she'd probably get 30 mugs a year!
pelosi · 06/01/2021 09:55

@IntermittentParps

I think you're both being a bit weird TBH. I don't know why you assumed they ate chocolates and drank alcohol just because they gave those things to you; I take people bottles of wine etc if I go round for dinner, even though I don't drink.

This is a weird response tbh, didn’t the neighbours assume OP eats chocolate and drinks alcohol as well?

Yokey · 06/01/2021 09:58

I agree with what others have said - nothing to see here. I wouldn't buy them another gift though. They've made clear they don't want one and it would seem too persistent of you, almost like trying to repay a debt. Accept their kind gifts and pay this no more mind. If they object to your not returning the gift favour, they'll stop, but I'm sure they never intended to oblige you.

Bbq1 · 06/01/2021 10:04

I understand. I would have been embarrassed too. You weren't meant to know their situation and equally they couldn't be expected to tell you their medical information. You say they give your dc easter eggs? Leave it now but help the dc to make them a card at Easter and buy them a plant, flowers or something small for their garden.

Regularsizedrudy · 06/01/2021 10:26

Well that was a whole load of nothing

MrsHugsxx · 06/01/2021 10:28

This would do my head in. I hate when people I don't really know that well buy gifts for me or my DC cos then I feel I need to go and buy them something and it's awkward.

MillieVanilla · 06/01/2021 10:35

Jesus
My neighbours are; one side ignorant and noisy wankers in two flats, one who has massive punch ups with his girlfriend and has a garden that resembles the local tip yet complained when we had the shared ivy cut back and a few bits ended up in this shit pit garden (never once has he paid to get this done, said thanks when we have or offered to pay half). Despite his noise we had music on over Christmas, not loud at all due to DS having sensory processing issues but he had the audacity to bang on the wall and shout abuse.
Above him is a woman who clearly thinks she is Mariah Carey mixed with Whitney Houston, she sounds like a cat being strangled and simultaneously ran over.
The other side is the weird bunch who put religious phrases in the window when I joined in with a Halloween hunt and decorated the house and whose husband has phone calls loudly from 10pm until 2am, three times I had to ask them to be considerate and all 3 times he stopped for a bit before starting again. Had to go to their landlord in desperation and now I get filthy looks when I see the miserable husband.

I would love a neighbour who gave me chocolate and booze!

Chloemol · 06/01/2021 11:09

YABU she owes you no explanation. They told you they didn’t want gifts. Now you know why

Just move on . .

Lexilooo · 06/01/2021 14:18

Don't worry about it OP. No one was unreasonable or rude. They have saved you buying unwanted gifts in future.

Leave it for this year and if they make any future gifts get the kids to make a thank you card and gift them something more appropriate such as flowers, a plant, nice hand soap, a candle, a voucher for a vegan friendly cafe, etc

Crunchymum · 06/01/2021 14:29

I said thank you and apologised for not getting them anything in return but was told they wanted nothing in return and told me to enjoy the gin and chocolates and wished me a merry Christmas

Personally I would have said at this point "please don't worry about getting us anything, I am regifting these as we can't use them" or something along those lines (purely as I know unexpected gifts can mean people feel guilty about not reciprocating)

I gave out some luxury Harrods hamper items this Christmas but made sure people knew I was giving something I had received, as I know they would prefer it (in-laws got the posh jam, tea and coffee, Xmas pudding and dad got some wine and mince pies etc)

So I can actually understand what you mean @Bu2244

Wingedharpy · 06/01/2021 14:36

Don't buy them anything.

They told you they didn't want anything so if you ignore this :

  1. You are wasting your money
  1. You're just giving them more stuff they'll have to get rid of.

Accept their re-gifts graciously and move on.

KarmaStar · 06/01/2021 14:43

Yes yabvu.You have lovely neighbours and yet you're whining about this?spare a thought for the thousands who suffer horrible neighbours.
Take some flowers round so you're not constantly the one receiving ?

aliloandabanana · 06/01/2021 16:28

I think it's really odd and they should have said something - they've made themselves look very generous by giving what appeared to be expensive gifts (and never explained when they were thanked by the OP), but in fact they were just passing on things they didn't want!

Something similar happened to me once - someone passed on theatre tickets because they were expecting to be called to the bedside of a critically ill relative and would rather someone else enjoy the show. They made quite a thing about why they'd chosen me rather than anyone else - then when they gave me the tickets they said "think of this as your birthday present for this year" - it was at least two months before my birthday and they would normally have given me a present. I just think it's odd to pass on things you don't want but expect others to see them as generous gifts.