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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU that she should have explained the gifts?

116 replies

Bu2244 · 06/01/2021 01:29

NC for this as I'm an avid poster on MN and not sure if I'll get roasted for this post.
I had some new neighbours move in next door August 2019. A husband and wife, both in their late 50s.
Last christmas eve (2019) the DW knocked on my door and handed me a christmas card, a bottle of pink gin, a tub of celebrations and 2 selection boxes for the DC. I said thank you and apologised for not getting them anything in return but was told they wanted nothing in return and told me to enjoy the gin and chocolates and wished me a merry Christmas (I did send them a thank you note just like I did with everyone else who gave us gifts which they greatly appreciated).
Christmas just been I came home to find a gift bag left in my porch from the lovely neighbours which contained, red wine, hot Chocolte stirrers, selection boxes for my 2 DC and a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat which were delicious by the way!
The neighbours have been very kind with me and the DC during the lockdowns last year, they gave us outdoor toys that belong to their grandchildren (they couldn't use as they couldn't visit) and always offered to pick essentials up from the shop for us, gave DC Easter eggs and sweets for DC on birthdays when they spotted banners and balloons on our front door. So, when I did my christmas shopping I purchased a M&S wine and chocolates hamper for them. A couple of days after I received their gift I took the hamper round and the DH answered the door. He was very grateful and told me how thoughtful I was, and how I made them feel welcomed and how lovely my DC were, he ended the speech by telling me to keep the hamper for myself to enjoy and to not waste my money on them. I insisted he should take the hamper to enjoy with his DW as thanks for being brilliant and thoughtful neighbours all year.
He became a little uncomfortable and explained neither he or his DW drink alcohol and as a type 1 diabetics he doesn't eat chocolate and his DW is vegan and also lactose intolerant so she can only eat certain chocolates. I apologised and said I had no idea and just assumed they ate chocolates and drunk alcohol because of the gifts I had received. He apologised profusely for the misunderstanding and explained the chocolates and alcohol I'd received the last 2 christmases were gifts given to the DW by children/parents and colleagues at the school she works at and because they couldn't consume them she handed them out to friends and neighbours to enjoy which is a lovely thing for her to do but I wish I had known so I could have purchased something appropriate for them. I ended up taking the hamper home.
I haven't really seen them all christmas apart from once or twice but a couple of nights ago the DW knocked on my door and said she wanted to apologise for rejecting my gift and that she had been too embarrassed to come round before now and if she had known I was going to buy them something then she would have explained.
AIBU to think she should have given some sort of explanation? I would have still viewed them as christmas gifts as they're still gifts and I wouldn't have been any less grateful especially that she thought of me and the DC when distributing them but it would have saved some embarrassment for both me and the neighbours?

OP posts:
Tubs11 · 07/01/2021 20:23

I don't think they needed to explain themselves but now that they have and know their story you can buy them a nice bouquet..unless you find out they are allergic lol

lily2403 · 07/01/2021 20:45

They sound lovely, I would just let it go and then next year get them something that they would enjoy more..perhaps a handmade Christmas bauble

starfishmummy · 07/01/2021 20:45

The polite thing would have been for the husband to have accepted your gift and then passed anything they couldnt use on.

Smartiepants79 · 07/01/2021 21:53

Our next door neighbour does similar. Every Xmas and Easter since we moved in she puts leaves a bag/hamper of gifts for us and the children. None of them are cheap either. It’s incredibly generous. She always just says that it’s thanks for putting up with her many small, yappy dogs. I never know what to send back - they can afford to buy themselves anything they want and we really don’t know them very well. It’s ever so kind of her. I think she just likes the giving.

cherish123 · 07/01/2021 23:24

I think the wife was embarrassed. The husband was rude. He should have accepted your gift gracefully. He could have passed it on to someone else without your knowledge.

supersplodge · 07/01/2021 23:56

I agree, they should have explained so that a) you didn't think they were being super-generous and therefore obliged to give something back, and b) to make it clear the contents weren't things they rated - in case you ever did decide to reciprocate,

Still - you made the gesture and got to keep the hamper - it's not all bad.....Grin

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/01/2021 00:14

@cherish123
I think the wife was embarrassed. The husband was rude. He should have accepted your gift gracefully. He could have passed it on to someone else without your knowledge
I notice a number of ppl have put this response and can only assume its the usual gender politics as it doesnt make sense at all
What is the alternative?? The neighbour keeping quiet and the OP continually spending a lot of money on presents they dont want??
What happens if they ever met socially, should they drink and eat food that would make them ill so not to upset the OP. It makes no sense at all although like I said maybe its not about making sense. The gifts they gave came via their work so they accepted them, they dont need friends / neighbours to make the same mistake.
I am not sure why the OP is BU like this, but with that attitude she is going to lose the nice neighbours she has.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/01/2021 00:47

Forget it.
She should have explained that she was redistributing freebies and unwanted gifts because if you didn’t know that, obviously you would reciprocate the gesture.
But now just forget it. Her wrong not yours.

Mamanyt · 08/01/2021 00:55

As far as I can see, they were not being unreasonable to gift you without explanation, nor should you be embarrassed at your gift to them. Next time, you will know. It would be far, far different had you been aware of health issues and ignored them.

Localocal · 08/01/2021 09:00

You're over-thinking this. Next year get them a card and a small non-food gift like a scented candle. No big deal.

chaosrabbitland · 08/01/2021 09:09

you are reading too much into it all , they sound very lovely neighbours indeed , you are lucky to have them , as someone else has said for a gift in return get them a plant or maybe a small ornament next time

Barney60 · 08/01/2021 12:15

What lovely neighbours you have.
Take in the spirit it was meant, a gift, nothing more or less, and no they dont need to explain it. Its just a nice gesture.

Justbrutallyhonest · 08/01/2021 13:07

They sound like the most lovely couple ever

chaosrabbitland · 08/01/2021 13:26

@Smartiepants79

Our next door neighbour does similar. Every Xmas and Easter since we moved in she puts leaves a bag/hamper of gifts for us and the children. None of them are cheap either. It’s incredibly generous. She always just says that it’s thanks for putting up with her many small, yappy dogs. I never know what to send back - they can afford to buy themselves anything they want and we really don’t know them very well. It’s ever so kind of her. I think she just likes the giving.
its easy what to give her back . gifts for the small yappy dogs , a new pet blanket , one of those large chew bones . squeak toys , there are loads of gifts for dogs in pets at home and as a animal owner myself id be well pleased if my neighbour bought me stuff as presents for my cats or rabbits
jambeforeclottedcream · 08/01/2021 13:36

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable per se just mixed messages between lovely neighbours and the DH because he was direct and lovely has put a stop to it. Probably because he felt guilty for the reciprocation of gifts.

Don't feel bad about it you know for next time. A nice bunch of daffs at Easter and an amaryllis next Christmas.

Foquita · 08/01/2021 16:30

Of course not, she shouldn’t have explained the gifts. Even if she didn’t buy them herself what she gave you is still a gift. My neighbors works in Tesco’s and sometimes gives my children stuff from there, I would never dream of asking her to explain why she’s giving me Tesco gifts.

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