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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that she should have explained the gifts?

116 replies

Bu2244 · 06/01/2021 01:29

NC for this as I'm an avid poster on MN and not sure if I'll get roasted for this post.
I had some new neighbours move in next door August 2019. A husband and wife, both in their late 50s.
Last christmas eve (2019) the DW knocked on my door and handed me a christmas card, a bottle of pink gin, a tub of celebrations and 2 selection boxes for the DC. I said thank you and apologised for not getting them anything in return but was told they wanted nothing in return and told me to enjoy the gin and chocolates and wished me a merry Christmas (I did send them a thank you note just like I did with everyone else who gave us gifts which they greatly appreciated).
Christmas just been I came home to find a gift bag left in my porch from the lovely neighbours which contained, red wine, hot Chocolte stirrers, selection boxes for my 2 DC and a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat which were delicious by the way!
The neighbours have been very kind with me and the DC during the lockdowns last year, they gave us outdoor toys that belong to their grandchildren (they couldn't use as they couldn't visit) and always offered to pick essentials up from the shop for us, gave DC Easter eggs and sweets for DC on birthdays when they spotted banners and balloons on our front door. So, when I did my christmas shopping I purchased a M&S wine and chocolates hamper for them. A couple of days after I received their gift I took the hamper round and the DH answered the door. He was very grateful and told me how thoughtful I was, and how I made them feel welcomed and how lovely my DC were, he ended the speech by telling me to keep the hamper for myself to enjoy and to not waste my money on them. I insisted he should take the hamper to enjoy with his DW as thanks for being brilliant and thoughtful neighbours all year.
He became a little uncomfortable and explained neither he or his DW drink alcohol and as a type 1 diabetics he doesn't eat chocolate and his DW is vegan and also lactose intolerant so she can only eat certain chocolates. I apologised and said I had no idea and just assumed they ate chocolates and drunk alcohol because of the gifts I had received. He apologised profusely for the misunderstanding and explained the chocolates and alcohol I'd received the last 2 christmases were gifts given to the DW by children/parents and colleagues at the school she works at and because they couldn't consume them she handed them out to friends and neighbours to enjoy which is a lovely thing for her to do but I wish I had known so I could have purchased something appropriate for them. I ended up taking the hamper home.
I haven't really seen them all christmas apart from once or twice but a couple of nights ago the DW knocked on my door and said she wanted to apologise for rejecting my gift and that she had been too embarrassed to come round before now and if she had known I was going to buy them something then she would have explained.
AIBU to think she should have given some sort of explanation? I would have still viewed them as christmas gifts as they're still gifts and I wouldn't have been any less grateful especially that she thought of me and the DC when distributing them but it would have saved some embarrassment for both me and the neighbours?

OP posts:
StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 06/01/2021 04:51

I think it would have been quite awkward to give you a gift and then tell you that it was them regifting something that they didn't want.

There is no issue here. There was a minor misunderstanding between friendly people and it has all been resolved. Forget about it and move on.

Finally2021 · 06/01/2021 05:27

Aw just two families with good intentions leading to an awkward moment.

I don't think they needed to explain the gift but I understand why you now feel awkward.

Ty36 · 06/01/2021 05:37

I wouldn’t tell someone my gift was a re-gift when giving it out, your neighbours sound amazing

MrsMomoa · 06/01/2021 06:01

They don't owe you an explanation of their dietary requirements.
Just because you felt embarrassed, you're looking for something to get upset about!

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/01/2021 06:47

YABU. It would have been crass to tell you they were regifting. It shouldn’t really matter anyway.

I can see why you wish they had. You feel embarrassed for having got them something they couldn’t use and you wish you’d known. But the fact the presents she gave you were things she couldn’t use probably had little impact. You got them a perfectly normal gift that would generally have been totally appropriate. If they’d given you a board game for the family and cosy slippers for everyone you might well still have got them a hamper. They probably have to tell lots of people - it’s a hazard when you have significant restrictions on what you can eat. A bit of a pain but not a terrible hinderance.

LunaL0veg00d · 06/01/2021 06:57

My neighbour gifts us and DC stuff that I just know was previously gifted to them. I still go out and buy stuff for them in return, they're lovely people and a gift is a gift.

Your neighbours sound really kind, if the DW had answered the door, she probably would have taken the hamper and regifted it to someone else!

Poppins2016 · 06/01/2021 07:14

Hmm, it's a difficult one... I have a good relationship with my neighbours, however we don't exchange Christmas presents and I wouldn't want to start a cycle of "gift" giving where they felt they had to reciprocate, so I suppose I would explain.

Similarly, a relative gets given a lot of prosecco (which they hate) and passes it on to me as a result, but always points out it's not my actual present (think we'd both start to feel awkward given the generous quantity)!

I did laugh when I was given a box of chocolates for volunteering once "this is just to say thank you for helping"... inside the (sealed) box was a message saying "thank you for choosing us as your energy provider, from British Gas"... Grin

donquixotedelamancha · 06/01/2021 07:30

OP, are you quite sure they didn't tell you they are vegan?

Piersmistress · 06/01/2021 07:58

Just be happy you have such lovely neighbours! Can I have them please?! At least now you know when you get these gifts you don’t need to run out and get them something too. I think it was better he explained now than let you be one of the ones giving them stuff they have to then give away!

burnoutbabe · 06/01/2021 08:04

I think I'd feel awkward and I'd prefer if the neighbors had said they passing them on as couldn't eat them, then I'd feel no guilt that I hadn't got them a present back. I don't think it would be crass to say so when you are not in any sort of gift giving relationship (and also not crass if it's an extra from someone closer)

Fieldofyellowflowers · 06/01/2021 08:09

They sound like nice people and therefore just wanted to give gifts rather than knock on the door and say "Oh we have been given these presents but we don't want them because we don't drink and can't eat the chocolates so you have them". That would have come across as rude.

You know that they can't have wine or chocolate now. If you want to get them a present next christmas, you'll probably be able to find alcohol free/chocolate free hampers online. Or put one together yourself if you find out more about what they like.

You sound like you have great neighbours who do lovely things for you. Don't start nit picking over minor things like this.

Greentrianglesarethebestones · 06/01/2021 08:19

YABVU

orangecinnamon · 06/01/2021 08:22

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't be embarrassed by this at all. It was just an oversight, misunderstanding, whatever. It really doesn't matter. You didn't do anything to be embarrassed about and neither did they. They are lovely people who have you lovely gifts. Next time you can get them a plant or something else appropriate. I wouldn't waste another second of emotional energy pondering this.
This...honestly it really isn't worth worrying about.
Meepmeeep · 06/01/2021 08:25

It’s one thing regifting bottles of wines/chocolates you receive from parents at school but a hamper is completely different. They probably told you for a number of reasons - main one being they would hate for you to buy them something similar every year. Hampers aren’t cheap so if I were you, I’d appreciate being told.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 06/01/2021 08:26

We have a neighbour who does the same for similar reasons. Understand where you're coming from but as others have said it's hard for her to gift something and say your only getting them because they can't use them! Better that she has told you than you waste money each year on a gift they then pass on to someone else. Buy them some flowers to cheer up a dreary January

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 06/01/2021 08:27

You're - autocorrect not my English honest!!

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/01/2021 08:27

Think about it less and make sure you find something they can have next Christmas. Make sure you add a note that says it's for their kindness over the year.

Aerielview · 06/01/2021 08:27

No, she owes you no explanation. Have you never re-gifted a present yourself? (duplicate child's present, unwanted toiletries, etc?) If you have, did you tell the recipient that you were just giving it to them because you didn't want it? Or did you just give it in the same way you would with other birthday/Christmas presents?

Yetano · 06/01/2021 08:30

Wish I lived next door to either you or your neighbours.
They were lovely, you were lovely. The End (no need to stress).
Did you keep and enjoy the hamper?

Jeremyironseverything · 06/01/2021 08:33

They are lovely anyway. The kids toys, direction boxes etc were obviously not freebies.
I'd just be grateful you've got good neighbors and move on. No need for embarrassment.

dontdisturbmenow · 06/01/2021 08:38

So refreshing to read avoid neighbour thread. Makes a change! Enjoy having such lovely considerate neighbours.

pelosi · 06/01/2021 08:39

I’m going to say YANBU because they should have accepted your gift with good grace, as they accepted the gifts that they received and then gave to you.

It’s never nice to have your gift rejected. They do sound like lovely neighbours but the husband was in the wrong here.

Aerielview · 06/01/2021 08:39

Also, you mentioned the gifts you received included selection boxes for the kids. I'm assuming they went out and bought those for them, as I can't imagine teachers receiving selection boxes as gifts.
All in all, they sound like lovely thoughtful neighbours. They're hard to come by, so I wouldn't over-think things op and create problems where there are none.

pelosi · 06/01/2021 08:41

so I wouldn't over-think things op and create problems where there are none.

A bit patronising Aerial, nothing the OP has said indicates that she wants to cause problems.

She was embarrassed because her gift was rejected. She is allowed to feel what she feels.

user1493494961 · 06/01/2021 08:49

I would buy a plant or flowers next time (to make sure you're first in the queue for the Hotel Chocolat!).