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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would DH be unreasonable to split his time with his DC?

104 replies

Beabfl · 05/01/2021 23:49

I have two children with DH (toddler and pre-schooler) and he has three older children from a previous relationship ages 7.5 - 10.

Due to circumstances beyond our control we lost our home and have found ourselves having to live in a one bedroom studio type flat on a temporary basis. This could be for 6 months or it could be 12+

This flat consists of two main rooms, the living/kitchenette area which is one space and then one bedroom.

To be truthful it is suffocating, for both us and the kids. 5 children being crammed into one room to eat/sleep/play in is just not sustainable.

It gets overwhelming for everybody, not just the adults.

DH came up with the suggestion that he have the boys come on one day and then his girl the following day, considering they won't be in school for the foreseeable.

Do you think it's unreasonable or a fair suggestion?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 05/01/2021 23:53

It’s a reasonable suggestion and it sounds like it might be best for the children, but it’s up to their Mum really. You can ask, but respect her decision either way.

Yoshinori · 06/01/2021 00:22

Sounds reasonable to me Smile

Leeds2 · 06/01/2021 00:26

I don't think it is an unreasonable idea, but probably best to ask the children what they think about it, as well as their mum. Could also maybe consider having one child on three different days, so that DH can have some one to one time with each of his older DC. Might relieve the overcrowding a bit more but, again, depends on what the children and mum think about it.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/01/2021 00:26

He can't opt out of being a parent because the living situation isn't ideal. Parents have to manage all their dc, even if it is tricky.

I doubt the dc's mum gets to juggle fewer dc when it is inconvenient. Also sibling relationships are important.

lavenderlove · 06/01/2021 00:34

I think possibly unreasonable as then their mum doesn't get a break at all, however she could be fine with it if you asked.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/01/2021 00:36

So long as everyone else agrees (mum, children), it sounds like an idea worth trying out. Seven people in a studio flat is far worse than “not ideal” it is serious over-crowding and is already adversely affecting family dynamics and mental health.

You could see if the mum or children have any other ideas as well? For example, if the mum has a lone friend that can bubble with her, she could go stay with her and your DH can have his time with his 3 at her place instead of the children coming to yours. It might be easier on you and your two to cope without him than to cope with 3 more in such a confined space.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/01/2021 00:37

Huh? Shock

None of this should be happening

You need adequate housing - this really isn't

You can't have 4 people living in a studio plus 3 visiting children that stay over

Do you have a social worker? Do you have a council housing officer?

You cannot live like this for 6 or 12 months - that is not 'temporary'

Godimabitch · 06/01/2021 00:46

I dont think it'll really help at all. 6 people in one room ksnt much different to 7. Cant he see them more days for a shorter time outside. Meet at a park, he takes flasks of hot drinks and lunch and they play football or whatever. Cant imagine anyone has fun with them all cramming into the flat.

CoRhona · 06/01/2021 01:19

Two things - if they all have the same mum then YABU; and why just the boys together? Don't they get on with their sister? Why not one boy with the girl?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 06/01/2021 02:22

If same mum YABU. You can't all sleep in 1 room that is ridiculous.

RickiTarr · 06/01/2021 02:31

Obviously it’s literally divisive, which isn’t good in any family, much less a step family. Also it deprives their mum of her only child free time which might cause friction in these high stress times.

In any case it would mean on some days there would be six of you in the flat, and on some days five, which doesn’t seem a big enough difference from the current seven to justify the downsides.

Could you not start all contact going out to exercise them all like Labradors? Burn maximum energy off? Then have big, cheap but semi-disposable group projects lined up at home. Like papier mache, salt dough, junk modelling? Things like that?

Sinful8 · 06/01/2021 04:41

Should probbaly have DH snipped at the first opertunity too

oakleaffy · 06/01/2021 05:31

@Sinful8

Should probbaly have DH snipped at the first opertunity too
It is usually women who choose top get pregnant, and announce it as a ''Fait accompli''....But 5 kids in a small place sounds like utter purgatory.

My brother has two DC of his own, and his GF has 3 kids, and they both keep in their own homes as 5 kids just don't get on.

vanillandhoney · 06/01/2021 07:36

I see your reasoning but I think YABU. It means their mum doesn't get a break at all, plus it's got the potential to create a huge amount of resentment and divide.

vanillandhoney · 06/01/2021 07:37

@LaurieFairyCake

Huh? Shock

None of this should be happening

You need adequate housing - this really isn't

You can't have 4 people living in a studio plus 3 visiting children that stay over

Do you have a social worker? Do you have a council housing officer?

You cannot live like this for 6 or 12 months - that is not 'temporary'

That's reality for lots of people. They can't be moved elsewhere if there's nowhere else for them to go.
Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 10:16

Thank you for the replies, some good advice here and perspective.

He will have a chat with their mum and see what she says, if she's not keen on the idea then we will keep things how they are and just push on.

Our housing situation is dire yes but it hasn't always been that way. This time last year we had a three bedroom house. Alot of people are only one or two crisis away from bankruptcy/homelessness so it's best not to judge. Covid has destroyed many families stability.

We are not priority with the council because 1) we have a roof over our heads and 2) there is next to no social housing available here.

We both worked FT until I lost my job due to the business closing down, DH still does . We're not grifters. This is the situation we have found ourselves in sadly. London is an expensive place and we can't move out of the city because we have the DSC to think about.

Should probbaly have DH snipped at the first opertunity too

He has been.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 10:20

We don't have a social worker no.

One of my DC has autism so I'm considering approaching SS from the angle of wanting a disability social worker, in the hope that they might be able to help.

Council aren't remotely interested as apparently we are adequately housed and the living room can be used as a bedroom.

As DSC don't spend 50/50 here they aren't taken into consideration when assessing if somebody is over crowded.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/01/2021 10:58

No, you need to go back to housing

The living room can only be used as a bedroom if it's separate from the kitchen

So sorry for the situation you're in, it's completely inadequate for your needs Thanks

LaurieFairyCake · 06/01/2021 11:00

SS will also get involved with housing for your child with autism to have their own bedroom (this is likely needed)

Plus your Gp may also write a letter/advocate for you in this regard too

bibliomania · 06/01/2021 11:06

If it's okay with the mum. Obviously you can't just impose it on her, which would mean forcing her to be the short-term fix to your housing issues.

bibliomania · 06/01/2021 11:09

Ah, I see you said your dh would discuss it with her. That seems reasonable.

And you have my sympathies. I can see how this situation could happen quite easily to very many people. It sounds really tough.

Redred2429 · 06/01/2021 11:09

OP I am so sorry that you are in this situation x

Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 11:33

Thank you for the kind comments, it really is shit.

I'm planning to ask all of the professionals involved (paediatrican, health visitor, GP, nursery, SALT) if they're able to provide a letter stating that we desperately need alternative accommodation. We've approached the council 3 times so far and each attempt has been negative. I was told to register to a home choice bidding website which I did do, but every house and flat I try to bid on is rejected due to us not meeting the criteria. Most places are also out of London which we just can't consider at the moment.

The box we live in at the minute is within walking distance of DSC and that is the only positive.

We wouldn't dream of imposing the idea of splitting the days on her as a done deal, whether we have them on alternate days depends solely on whether she is happy with it.

She's generally quite reasonable so hopefully we can work together on a good compromise.

OP posts:
Dogscanteatonions · 06/01/2021 11:58

It's really not ideal to split the children up and as others have said having 5/6 instead of 7 in a one bedroom flat is very little difference. Also not fair on their mum unless of course she agrees.

Personally I think you might need to think about moving outside of London - you say you can't because of DSC but the quality of the living conditions you're providing for them isn't great and 6/12 months is a long time to do this and I suppose it could conceivably be longer. Plenty of parents do move further away from their children after a split and still see them regularly. You can of course move back when things improve.

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