Would DH be unreasonable to split his time with his DC?

[Beabfl]

I have two children with DH (toddler and pre-schooler) and he has three older children from a previous relationship ages 7.5 - 10.

Due to circumstances beyond our control we lost our home and have found ourselves having to live in a one bedroom studio type flat on a temporary basis. This could be for 6 months or it could be 12+

This flat consists of two main rooms, the living/kitchenette area which is one space and then one bedroom.

To be truthful it is suffocating, for both us and the kids. 5 children being crammed into one room to eat/sleep/play in is just not sustainable.

It gets overwhelming for everybody, not just the adults.

DH came up with the suggestion that he have the boys come on one day and then his girl the following day, considering they won't be in school for the foreseeable.

Do you think it's unreasonable or a fair suggestion?

There's something a bit uncomfortable about splitting the children into 'sets' like that - would it not be better to mix it up a bit more if you can't have more than two at a time, so it's not always the same two who come as a pair and the same one who comes alone? The DD is surely going to get a lot more focused time with her dad than her brothers and more ability to choose what she wants to do etc (assuming you are caring for the little ones at least some of the time that the older ones visit) and they're old enough to notice this...

Also, how much time does he currently have them? Is he proposing to half his time with each child, or to double his time seeing his older children in total?

Personally I think you might need to think about moving outside of London - you say you can't because of DSC but the quality of the living conditions you're providing for them isn't great and 6/12 months is a long time to do this and I suppose it could conceivably be longer. Plenty of parents do move further away from their children after a split and still see them regularly. You can of course move back when things improve

I did say similar to DH but he won't hear of it. He believes that moving out of London will damage his relationship with his children and they'll see it as a form of abandonment (regardless of his consistent contact)

Sadly this means me and my DC get the shit end of the stick, so to speak, but I do understand him not wanting to be far away from DSC.

As it stands, they spend one night per week here but come for their tea twice.

He doesn't want to reduce the contact, just mix it up, so they're still coming for the same amount of time but on alternate days.

Is he proposing to half his time with each child, or to double his time seeing his older children in total?

Sorry, yes. To double his time seeing his older children in total.

When we had the three bed house they spent 2 nights per week with us, every weekend.

That will be extremely unfair on their mum. Will your husband be home schooling them on his days? Or is that all down to mum?
Because it sounds like she will be doing the bulk of the caring and the home schooling and now she doesnt even get one day to herself?

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

That will be extremely unfair on their mum. Will your husband be home schooling them on his days? Or is that all down to mum? Because it sounds like she will be doing the bulk of the caring and the home schooling and now she doesnt even get one day to herself?

I understand where you're coming from.

DH would of course be doing his bit with the home schooling when they are here, even if I have to take the younger ones out to give them some space.

The whole thing is shit unfortunately and beyond my control. All I know is it's absolute mayhem having 5 children in one small space and trying to keep them all happy.

DS' special needs mean he's extremely overwhelmed in here most of the time. I don't even have the space to meet his needs let alone everybody's

@Beabfl

Is he proposing to half his time with each child, or to double his time seeing his older children in total?

Sorry, yes. To double his time seeing his older children in total.

I'm a bit unclear - is he suggesting having the two boys twice a week and the girl twice a week instead so essentially on four days of the week you'd have some of the DSC?

I did say similar to DH but he won't hear of it. He believes that moving out of London will damage his relationship with his children and they'll see it as a form of abandonment (regardless of his consistent contact)

He chose to make a new family when he already had 3 kids, there was never going to be a world when it wasn't going to be hard for his older children. And yes of course finances can change, but it doesn't sound like he ever had enough money for 5 kids if you previously had a 3 bed house.

That bit is done, but it's worth being honest about it, as it sounds like it is perhaps his guilt making him act in a way that is not in anyone's best interests. It would surely be better for all, if you could move up to an hour's drive away to somewhere with 3+ beds again, and have them over weekends.

I'm sorry that you lost your home, OP. That's such a tough spot to be in and I really hope things turn around for you soon.

There but for the grace of God...

That sounds like a complete nightmare!

How would you feel about him the bulk of the time at their house instead? (Obviously if his ex was in agreement). I don't think I'd like it, but it might be the best option.

I don't think the current situation is great for any of you, but it sounds unbearable for your eldest.

Is there anywhere one of you could take either set of kids for a few hours?

I personally don't think doing what you suggested is the best idea. Unless your DsD is a particularly difficult child, I can't see how just not having her the same day as the boys will make much difference & it's like to cause more issues than it fixes.

I also think asking their mum still puts her in a difficult position. OTOH she might enjoy 1:1 1:2 tone with the kids

What about having 1 on one day & overnight then 3 next day, but changing which 1 each week? Then 4th week all of them (to give their mum a complete break)?

is he suggesting having the two boys twice a week and the girl twice a week instead so essentially on four days of the week you'd have some of the DSC

Yes that's what he's suggesting.

What about having 1 on one day & overnight then 3 next day, but changing which 1 each week? Then 4th week all of them (to give their mum a complete break)

That sounds like it may work. I'll put that to DH and see what he/his ex thinks.

it sounds like it is perhaps his guilt making him act in a way that is not in anyone's best interests. It would surely be better for all, if you could move up to an hour's drive away to somewhere with 3+ beds again, and have them over weekends.

I agree with you. I also have family locally who I don't want to be too far away from (elderly parents) but I'm prepared to make that sacrifice for (all of the) DC's well-being, aka having a sufficient home to meet their needs in.

DH on the other hand will not budge, we have had several arguments about it. I think he's using DSC as an excuse when really it's about him not wanting to move.

@OverTheRubicon

I did say similar to DH but he won't hear of it. He believes that moving out of London will damage his relationship with his children and they'll see it as a form of abandonment (regardless of his consistent contact)

He chose to make a new family when he already had 3 kids, there was never going to be a world when it wasn't going to be hard for his older children. And yes of course finances can change, but it doesn't sound like he ever had enough money for 5 kids if you previously had a 3 bed house.

That bit is done, but it's worth being honest about it, as it sounds like it is perhaps his guilt making him act in a way that is not in anyone's best interests. It would surely be better for all, if you could move up to an hour's drive away to somewhere with 3+ beds again, and have them over weekends.

I absolutely agree.

OP, I’m so sad to read about the turmoil your family is going through. It’s just be so worry and stressful for everyone.
I cannot believe that so many posters seem more worried about the DSC mum missing out on some child free time when the alternative is all 7 of you squashed between two inadequate rooms.
Oh yes, poor DSC mum... what a suggestion
Personally, I don’t think there’s much tang should be off the table just now. Your DH really needs to allow you both to explore all possibilities for the sake of everyone’s health.

13:16Beabfl

is he suggesting having the two boys twice a week and the girl twice a week instead so essentially on four days of the week you'd have some of the DSC

Yes that's what he's suggesting."

Ok now that is bonkers OP he's making a bad situation even worse!! Far better to have all 3 twice a week! That would mean 4 days a week you'll have 5 or 6 in a one bedroom flat.

It really seems the best solution is to move and he's being pigheaded

I cannot believe that so many posters seem more worried about the DSC mum missing out on some child free time when the alternative is all 7 of you squashed between two inadequate rooms.

This!!! Unreal amount of nastiness towards OP and her situation. It’s far from ideal but I think they are aware of that. The kids presumably have bedrooms and decent set ups at mums house. It’s ridiculous to feel like you should be trying to make it work overnight with 5 kids in a studio flat. I would have them for dinner a few nights a week then 1 overnight with all of them a week, on a Saturday. It’s not long term, it’s until you are back on your feet with suitable housing. No one is getting a break from their kids with this lockdown and presumably if they kids mother is a single parent she has a support bubble.

It’s not ideal, but a friend of mine has his kids once a week in a Premier Inn (they’re about £30 just now) because of his living situation.

If there’s a cheap hotel nearby could he do that, even once a fortnight or once a month to have all of his kids (or you and the younger kids could go), so that he doesn’t have to split them all the time?

It’s acceptable to use hotels during lockdown to facilitate child contact so no issues on that respect. Obviously depends on financial situation.

Thank you PP's for the kind replies about our situation.

DH is going to give his ex a call after dinner to discuss, I welcome any suggestions from her of course. I'm not trying to rob her of child free time not that i get any myself in here

I wasn't aware hotels could be used to facilitate contact, that's interesting! I wouldn't be able to take my two to a hotel overnight (DS wouldn't be able to handle the change in environment and he'd meltdown, badly) but I see no reason DH couldn't do that once a fortnight or so. We could afford it financially.

I have a feeling though that if I were to suggest that to DH he'd think I'm being passive aggressive and trying to ostracize DSC from our home which is absolutely not the case.

He has to practically bribe his 2nd eldest to come here sometimes as he would much rather stay at home on his games and who could blame him

In the summer it was a different story, we would be out most of the time. Parks, picnics at a local lake, trips to the woods for walks etc. They loved it. Understandably they're not that keen on walking around outdoors now the weather is crap.

DH on the other hand will not budge, we have had several arguments about it. I think he's using DSC as an excuse when really it's about him not wanting to move

Is he always this selfish? Because he really isn't coming across well, it sounds like you tie yourself in knots to try to make the best of it, but he's not that much of a partner to you nor a great dad to his very numerous children with the way he's acting now.

Lockdown makes things very hard - particularly for those with small homes and homes don't get much smaller than yours.

Just about anything that works with the children is reasonable. Perhaps mix it up though from week to week, with each child having a turn of coming on their own.
Their mother's convenience is secondary to the children's welfare, but is also clearly an important factor in this difficult arrangement. It obviously helps that she is reasonable.

Their mum might enjoy having one to one time with each of her children so I hope she is able to come on board.

Credit to your DH for wanting to stay as close to his kids as possible. I realise that this is very hard on you. I hope you can continue to support him and things work out for you all.

Perhaps take the youngest two give mom one to one with the eldest? But really it depends on her situation maybe she needs a break

Is he always this selfish? so/so, he puts me and the children first so long as it doesn't mean he has to step out of his comfort zone. Suspected ASD, but not a good enough excuse to insist we continue to live like this.

He wants to move out of this place, just not far enough that would mean cheaper accommodation.

He's comfortable in his job, living in the area that we do, near DSC and his other relatives.

The mere suggestion from me that we consider outside London results in petulant responses from him such as "there will be nothing to do" and "i will feel isolated and withdraw into myself" etc.

He can't bare the thought of moving as he's lived here his whole life.

As it stands it's me making all of the sacrifices because I'm stuck in here day in day out with my two which is hard enough, then the other three are coming round, as wonderful as they are, and there's even less space (I'm not blaming or resenting his kids at all btw)

I lost my long term job due to the company I worked for going bust last year then I managed to find another job in September but it was on a self employed basis.. so instant disadvantage and no pay protection.

I worked for two months before they locked down again (leisure sector), back for a week or two and then locked down again for the foreseeable so no money coming in from that.

Had to apply for UC to supplement DH's wage which also puts us at a disadvantage because most landlords here won't touch you if you're in receipt of benefits.

I'm just exhausted with it all.

DH is the one who's getting the best deal here because he still has his job, he doesn't have to spend as much time stuck in here, he's near the DSC for convenience.

I totally get that DSC mum needs a break sometimes and I'll always do what I can to help facilitate that.

Not unreasonable to ask the Mum but I wouldn’t blame her for not agreeing especially if she relies on the time away from her children for her MH or work. Being a single parent is difficult.

She's a stay at home parent so doesn't rely on them coming here for childcare but I appreciate she still needs that break.

I know how it feels being stuck in with children 24-7 with no time to yourself other than an hour or two before bed and it is draining. I wouldn't wish it on her.

@Norwayreally

Right on the button