Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would DH be unreasonable to split his time with his DC?

104 replies

Beabfl · 05/01/2021 23:49

I have two children with DH (toddler and pre-schooler) and he has three older children from a previous relationship ages 7.5 - 10.

Due to circumstances beyond our control we lost our home and have found ourselves having to live in a one bedroom studio type flat on a temporary basis. This could be for 6 months or it could be 12+

This flat consists of two main rooms, the living/kitchenette area which is one space and then one bedroom.

To be truthful it is suffocating, for both us and the kids. 5 children being crammed into one room to eat/sleep/play in is just not sustainable.

It gets overwhelming for everybody, not just the adults.

DH came up with the suggestion that he have the boys come on one day and then his girl the following day, considering they won't be in school for the foreseeable.

Do you think it's unreasonable or a fair suggestion?

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 06/01/2021 18:23

@Beabfl

She's a stay at home parent so doesn't rely on them coming here for childcare but I appreciate she still needs that break.

I know how it feels being stuck in with children 24-7 with no time to yourself other than an hour or two before bed and it is draining. I wouldn't wish it on her.

You sound very accomodating to her and that's great, hopefully she is for you too.

If she's a SAHM to 3 older children living in a house, with them currently away some of the week, she is getting far more of a break than you with 2 younger DCs, one with special needs, in a 1 bedroom flat all day every day and a bonus 3 kids arriving a few nights a week.

This isn't sustainable, and it isn't good for her kids either. Do you and she have an ok relationship? Maybe the two of you could discuss what some reasonable options might be, and then form a stronger front with your DH.

Dogscanteatonions · 06/01/2021 18:26

OP you sound like you're being very reasonable and he's unwilling to compromise. Just in itself the four of you in a one bedroom studio flat ia not his but at in the DSC coming as he seems to want four times a week is untenable. You're not talking about moving abroad - just moving a bit further out of London! I think he's being incredibly selfish. I'm not surprised one of the DSC often doesn't want to come. As I've said before - you could always move back when the situation is better.
Not sure I'd be putting up with this - you sound in a rotten situation

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 06/01/2021 18:35

You dont sound very reasonable to me. Any comment about her having child free time whilst their dad actually does some parenting is met with "not that I get any child free time". So what?

You married a man who had 3 children. He has a responsibility to share the car of those children. If you dont want extra kids around then dont be married to a man who already had kids, and dont complain that she gets to send her kids to be cared for by their dad as if it's taking something away from you just because you dont get child free time. That has absolutely nothing to do with their father sharing in their care.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 06/01/2021 18:37

And your husband needs to grow up. If you cannot afford a suitable home for the 5 children he has chosen to have then he needs to move somewhere more affordable. All the moaning and threats to "withdraw into himself" are the comments made by a selfish, petulant man child. He needs to grow up and do what it takes to provide a suitable home. You can afford it, you just need to more further out. If he wont then he's putting his own desire to live in London ahead of a home for kids 5 kids.

Youseethethingis · 06/01/2021 18:57

@WhereverIGoddamnLike
At least read OPs posts properly before sounding off and having a go at her 🙄

Murmurur · 06/01/2021 19:19

I think on balance having them over 4 days will feel harder for you (and for your autistic child) than having them on 2 days. That 5 day break is really valuable.

My autistic son has a habit of leaping to a conclusion and then not countenancing any other solutions. It's like he puts on blinkers to other ways forward. I would suggest you brainstorm lots of ways to improve things at home - blue sky thinking yada yada - and involve the older children perhaps as they can be really good at coming up with solutions. Changing something will no doubt help you all, and I know covid gives you very few options. Think about splitting up the space by time, make the most of height and the separation of the bedroom (is it a one bed flat or a studio?). I'm sure people on the property board on here would be full of good ideas on how to make the best of the space you have together.

Murmurur · 06/01/2021 19:21

I meant to add, changing something will help but just make sure you have considered all the possibilities - however limited they are at the moment.

bloodyhairy · 06/01/2021 19:25

So sorry, OP Thanks
And you have been so gracious in the face of some of these comments. God, slapping them would be entirely satisfying.

Hardbackwriter · 06/01/2021 20:03

I think on balance having them over 4 days will feel harder for you (and for your autistic child) than having them on 2 days. That 5 day break is really valuable.

I agree with this - when you said he wanted to double the total amount of time I assumed you meant to two days a week, not from two days to four. Five/six people in a one bed flat for four days a week sounds so much worse than seven for two days.

When you say it could be 6 months that you're in the flat - what would have to happen for you to be able to move then? Is it realistic?

Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 20:08

Thank you all for the continued replies, I donned my hard hat before posting as I know what AIBU can be like especially toward second families

I do agree that DH needs to grow up. That i will not argue against.

I'm polite to his ex when we see each other during hand over but we don't have the sort of relationship where we bypass DH to discuss childcare between ourselves.

My DS with autism is non verbal with very limited understanding so unfortunately I'm not able to talk him through / brace him for changes to routine. Well I do attempt it, but he's not able to take it in.

The flat we're in is a one bedroom flat but the kitchenette area is part of the living room, so we have one room to cook/watch tv (etc) in and then one other room where we sleep. One small bathroom. Three rooms in total but only two that can be used to sit in / sleep in.

The bedroom has three beds. A double for me and DH, a toddler sized bed for DS and then a cot bed for our youngest. Factor in the wardrobe and clothes storage there isn't any more room for more beds.

When DSC stay over they sleep on blow up camp beds in the living room which then leaves no space to walk around the room, so I tend to stay in the bedroom of a morning until they are all up having breakfast and the beds have been let down and put away.

It's a ridiculous set up for everybody Sad

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 06/01/2021 20:12

So when you say 6 to 12 months, that’s your hope? There’s not an actual plan in place to move in that time frame?

RickiTarr · 06/01/2021 20:12

Realistically speaking, trying to understand, not trying to be harsh.

AngelDelightUK · 06/01/2021 20:15

You say DH has family near by, could you potentially stay with them for a while? To give you a chance to save and find some more income so you can afford something with at least one or two extra rooms?

Were you renting previously or owned a place?

Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 20:15

what would have to happen for you to be able to move then? Is it realistic

The current plan is to save every penny we can for a deposit/rent in advance on another place.

Just to step foot in our current temporary box flat it cost £2,500. You can imagine how much we'll have to find to get into a 3 bed house.

Is it realistic? I want to say yes but I'm not convinced.

I'm not in work now and so we're claiming UC to supplement DH's wages, this makes us undesirable tenants in London where landlords (and estate agents) avoid 'DSS' like the plague.

You get the odd listing which states "part DSS accepted" but they are few and far between, and we wouldn't be able to afford the rent on a 3 bed house until I have a regular and consistent income.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 20:17

@AngelDelightUK

You say DH has family near by, could you potentially stay with them for a while? To give you a chance to save and find some more income so you can afford something with at least one or two extra rooms?

Were you renting previously or owned a place?

Not an option to stay with his family unfortunately.

We were renting previously but had two full time wages at that point.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 06/01/2021 20:20

Argh, it's so difficult because there's no point me saying this if you can't convince your DH but you have to move. You're not going to be ready to move in six months and you can't live like this indefinitely. It's so frustrating that he can't see that.

Original poster
Beabfl · 06/01/2021 20:27

@Hardbackwriter

Argh, it's so difficult because there's no point me saying this if you can't convince your DH but you have to move. You're not going to be ready to move in six months and you can't live like this indefinitely. It's so frustrating that he can't see that.
Indeed Sad

Every so often I reach the end of my tether and say I'm sick of this now and something needs to change.

DH agrees and says we'll "sort something"

When pressed he says we can't just magic up the money, he's already repaying a loan he took out when we were desperate.

OP posts:
colonelchicken · 06/01/2021 20:45

Bloody hell. That's a fortune on rent. If you moved out of London you could get a decent sized 4 bed house for much less than £2000 a month

Dogscanteatonions · 06/01/2021 20:55

How much do you need to save to rent a 3 bedroom where you are now and how much are you able to save per month? Can you sit down with him with these figures and show him how long you will need to be in your current accommodation for at that rate?

Bookriddle · 06/01/2021 21:03

People saying it wont be fair on the kids mum, surely the kids come first and having 7 people in 1 bedroom flat is not fair on the kids, especially 1 having ASD

NameChangeforArmageddon21 · 06/01/2021 21:16

@colonelchicken I agree, I live in the North East, lovely seaside town, low crime, I rent a 3 bed semi-detached with drive way and nice garden for £500 PCM. My landlord is a dream, and it's a secure long term tenancy. I can see the sea from my second bedroom, I'm 2 mins from the sea, and 10 mins to the dean in the other direction. 20 minute drive to Newcastle for work. When I think back to what I used to pay for a bed in London during uni days it's horrifying! I really feel for families in London

NameChangeforArmageddon21 · 06/01/2021 21:18

Not suggesting OP moves to the North East by the way. Just saying even slightly outside of London they'd see a huge difference in housing availability in their budget.

Hardbackwriter · 06/01/2021 21:21

To be fair, given that the DH works in London and clearly isn't WFH the trade-off for moving out of London is going to be a bit less favourable, because commuting costs can be brutal.

Love51 · 06/01/2021 21:55

I just wanted to mention that Shelter can be really helpful for housing support, you don't have to be homeless for them to help.

I'd consider moving out if London with or without the DH, but that's probably not on the cards if he's otherwise lovable. That way you could apply for jobs in a range of areas then sort the home second.

CakeRequired · 06/01/2021 22:03

I cannot believe that so many posters seem more worried about the DSC mum missing out on some child free time when the alternative is all 7 of you squashed between two inadequate rooms.

But the dsc mum didn't decide to have two children with a man who already had 3. OP did. Her husband also decided to have two more children, bringing his total to 5. And then refuses to move slightly further away to give them a better quality of life.

He's the idiot here. Your only solution is to move unfortunately, or be uncomfortable with 7 people under one roof.