Lodgers - AIBU or may I choose?

[Tarquinthecat]

Background: I'm a few decades old and have had a lifetime of suffering an unpredictable, insecure home life: chaotic childhood at the whim of an alcoholic father; first LT partner would become unpredictable and sometimes violent when drunk, and I suffered long term gaslighting by another LT partner.

Obviously all this has left me feeling emotionally bruised, wary and a little anxious, and with a deep need for people I live with to be stable and predictable.

Now I have a place of my own I can create an environment in which I feel safe. I have a couple of spare rooms so I have turned my home into a house share, mainly for company but also to help with the bills.

My number one concern is to have a really safe home environment where I need never be scared or wary of a lodger. Therefore I can only accept lodgers who don't make me feel frightened, vulnerable, or at the mercy of any unpredictable, weird, scary behaviour on their part.

To this end I advertised on a major website, stating that I am determined to have a safe, happy and drama-free house-share, and therefore will not accept applications from anyone who is dependent on alcohol, behaviour--changing or recreational drugs, or who has any kind of mental health issue which adversely affects their behaviour.

My ad was stopped by the site owners. They said that under the Disability Act it is illegal for me to discriminate against people with mental health issues. They forced me to remove the clause or they would not post the ad.

During this covid thing I want to keep the number of personal interviews to the barest minimum, only meeting in person after I have "interviewed" them and weeded them out via the site's messaging system. However, according to the site's owners, I can't ask people those questions that to me are really crucial. I'd have to meet them in person and ask them this question face to face in my home, where the site owners cannot monitor what I am asking (although according to them, I am not allowed to turn people down for this reason.)

Surely as a lone, fairly elderly female I am entitled to have a boundary like this to ensure my own peace of mind and security?

AIBU?

Yes, the site owners are correct.
No, I have a right to refuse whoever I want

Sorry, I haven’t read your full post as I don’t have time just yet. Judy wanted to say you’re absolutely going into this for the wrong reasons. Don’t turn your home into a house share if you don’t need the money. You’re more likely to find a mismatched set of people with chaotic results than some pseudo besties

You cant discriminate against people with depression. And how are they going to prove it to you? Particularly people who take illegal drugs, how will you know?

What you need to do is interview potential lodgers and go with your judgement. Ask someone to help you interview if you need to.

Mental health is a protected characteristic. You can't discount people based off it. Your advert is legally the exact same as advertising for a lodger but specifying "no blacks or Irish".

You really don't sound like you're in the right mental space to have strangers living in your home, OP. You also sound very, very naive.

The site is technically correct, but I’d feel the same way as you do.

I think you are making yourself vulnerable by stating all that anyway, so they have done you a favour. Have you any way you can get the word out via word of mouth - local social group / church community / industry. Friends of friends (but not so close you can't say no to them).

I understand why you want to but no, you can't state you won't accept people with mental health issues. That is downright discrimination.

You can say that you will only accept people who want to live in a quiet, tea-total, drug free environment.

I would always suggest going with your gut instinct in these matters

I've been on similar sites and found student accommodation this way. I understand why you wanted to put that clause in but the site owners are correct for the reasons other posters have listed.
To get around this I would be very clear in the ad what your lifestyle is and that's you're only looking for people with similar lifestyles. You could say professionals only, or women only, people between a certain age etc. I think if you make it clear what personality and lifestyle you're looking for then hopefully some people who don't fit your criteria won't apply. Also, ask for references preferably through a lettings agency so they can't fudge it.
I understand it's your home, I lodged in a family home as a student (student accommodation wasn't common in this place as it was very rural) and it suited me fine but living with a seven year old wouldn't be for everyone, same as I wouldn't apply to live in a house full of men.
Also, I recommend taking in one lodger at a time for around a 6 weeks trial period so you can really get to know their habits before you take on someone else. Make this clear when you speak to them that it's initially for short term but you want it to become long term. People appreciate honesty and openness, and you're doing something brave by opening your home to people.

People lie anyway. You’re better to maybe interview over zoom and then do a second face to face interview if they pass the messages and the zoom call.

@AgentProvocateur

The site is technically correct, but I’d feel the same way as you do.

Me too, for many of the same reasons as the OP.

Unless you need the money, I don't think a houseshare would be for you.

I dont think you're being U, but I do think you will attract all of the crazies just from your advert so the site owners definitely did you a favour there.

What questions do you want to ask? Is it people's mental health history? In which case, yabu. Many people have ill mental health at some point in their life, that doesn't mean they are difficult to live with then, or at any time in the future.

In addition, you can interview over Skype/zoom, prior to meeting in person.

I really don't think lodgers or house share is for you. People don't have to have any of the issues you've listed to create tension or an uncomfortable living situation.

I don’t think you’re in the right place, mentally and emotionally, to have lodgers. Whilst you’re looking for help with the bills, you are also providing somebody’s home - their safe space. Honestly, you come across as though you may be quite difficult to live with, and it’s not likely to be an easy arrangement for either you or anyone who lodges with you.

You can’t discriminate on mental health grounds. If you’re intent on going ahead, the best way is to ask for positive references from somebody’s previous landlord and either a work or character reference. That will give you a good idea of their behaviour and whether they’re somebody who might fit your needs.

You can't discriminate based on their mental health. You can choose according to their personality/behaviour. Whether or not someone has a diagnosis of something doesn't dictate how they'll behave towards you.

Yabvu of course you cant ask people questions about their mental health. You say you suffer with anxiety due to your past treatment, how do you think you would feel being interrogated about that? the site cant allow you to do so legally due to it clearly being discriminatory but also it really is common sense and empathy. As pp have said you need to make a judgement based on the interview and if you arent comfortable doing that then having a lodger isnt really for you

I see what you mean, but yes it must be difficult to judge complete strangers as to whether or not they're suitable. Can't you ask around locally, see if anyone knows someone who might be interested. Be sure to firmly set a trial period, and clearly set out your boundaries re use of facilities etc, having a lodger isn't really the same as a house share so work out exactly what you expect.

You cannot say no mh issues
Why dont you try a more specificc site like www.silversharers.com/
And soeak to the site ?

So I have chronic anxiety, depression and ptsd. Medical records class me as vulnerable. I wouldn't at all say this makes me difficult to live with. I'd be incredibly upset to be questioned on it when it revolves around a trauma. I'm
Not aggressive nor dangerous in any way :/

There’s a good discussion of when you can and can’t discriminate re lodgers here
lodgersite.com/LawAndAdvertising.html
Some of the usual anti-discrimination law doesn’t apply to lodgers but some of it does, even lawyers argue about the exact details, your website is probably playing it safe.

Hold zoom interviews at first.

There is no way that you will be able to work out, during the in person or whatever interview, if someone will become a problem later. Your partners were nice at first it was only later you found out their true selves. The same is true of lodgers.

I don’t get why you would consider this during a pandemic anyway unless you have to.

Are you in a university town? Could you ask for post grad students who want a quiet place to live and work?

Most people will ignore such requirements anyway and you don't have to meet them in person to suss them out, just ask them to email initially with a short introduction and you will develop the skills set to spot the ones who won't suit.

Brace yourself for the baffling influx of men who have just been thrown out by their wife/girlfriend/lover and need somewhere by next Friday and those who cannot string a basic few words of introduction together and who simply state "Can I view this tomorrow at 5?"

If you don't need the money and don't need the company then don't go into a house share. You've spent a long time making it your safe space, why change that now?