Lodgers - AIBU or may I choose?

[Tarquinthecat]

Background: I'm a few decades old and have had a lifetime of suffering an unpredictable, insecure home life: chaotic childhood at the whim of an alcoholic father; first LT partner would become unpredictable and sometimes violent when drunk, and I suffered long term gaslighting by another LT partner.

Obviously all this has left me feeling emotionally bruised, wary and a little anxious, and with a deep need for people I live with to be stable and predictable.

Now I have a place of my own I can create an environment in which I feel safe. I have a couple of spare rooms so I have turned my home into a house share, mainly for company but also to help with the bills.

My number one concern is to have a really safe home environment where I need never be scared or wary of a lodger. Therefore I can only accept lodgers who don't make me feel frightened, vulnerable, or at the mercy of any unpredictable, weird, scary behaviour on their part.

To this end I advertised on a major website, stating that I am determined to have a safe, happy and drama-free house-share, and therefore will not accept applications from anyone who is dependent on alcohol, behaviour--changing or recreational drugs, or who has any kind of mental health issue which adversely affects their behaviour.

My ad was stopped by the site owners. They said that under the Disability Act it is illegal for me to discriminate against people with mental health issues. They forced me to remove the clause or they would not post the ad.

During this covid thing I want to keep the number of personal interviews to the barest minimum, only meeting in person after I have "interviewed" them and weeded them out via the site's messaging system. However, according to the site's owners, I can't ask people those questions that to me are really crucial. I'd have to meet them in person and ask them this question face to face in my home, where the site owners cannot monitor what I am asking (although according to them, I am not allowed to turn people down for this reason.)

Surely as a lone, fairly elderly female I am entitled to have a boundary like this to ensure my own peace of mind and security?

AIBU?

Yes, the site owners are correct.
No, I have a right to refuse whoever I want

Thing is OP, you are stereotyping. It's a bit like saying "no Irish" because you think the Irish are all alcoholics. Most people with MH issues don't behave in a way that would adversely affect a housemate. And do you not think it's a bit ironic that you "need" a lodger with no mental health conditions because of your own poor mental health?

FWIW if any of DP, my best friend or I were looking for a house share we would be exactly the sort of quiet, predictable, sensible people you'd like. We're also all on ADs.

Ask people to tell you about themselves, what they like to do, how they like to live. You will get a sense of them.

Ex landlady of lodgers here. It is entirely reasonable to want someone you feel comfortable with in your own home. But you cannot sift at the advert stage.

What you do is this. Everyone who comes to look round is "the second person to have seen it tonight and obviously the previous person has first dibs..." That way anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable, all it takes is a text later on to say "sorry, the other person's decided to take it."

NB I would not for a moment suggest doing this with tenants - but lodgers, who are actually sharing your home, are a whole different case.

Sorry OP - I understand where you’re coming from to an extent but it’s wrong and illegal to discriminate on the basis of mental health. It wouldn’t help you anyway - I have long term mental health conditions but would be a model lodger (friendly, tidy, considerate, calm). Someone else might have no mental health conditions and be a selfish, aggressive arsehole. Wholesale discrimination açai by people with mental health conditions won’t help you find a good lodger.

• açai by = against

I do find it kind of depressing that 46% of people reading this post apparently think it's ok to discriminate against people based on a disability.

I can't believe the number of twats on this thread saying they'd feel the same about people with any MH condition.
I bet you're the same people who get mad at people on disability benefits for not just "pulling themselves together" and getting a job.
I honestly wish all the people like you could say "no MH" in job and housing adverts so I could avoid every last one of you.

Maybe advertise seasonal rentals for students if you're on decent transport line.
My near elderly aunt rents rooms to foreign students on exchange sometimes for fortnightly stays sometimes 12 weeks but rarely longer.

YANBU I'd feel the exact same. Unfortunately not everyone agrees and thinks you should just deal with other peoples issues.

OP I had lodgers for 10 years when I couldn't afford not to. I didn't have the option so often had to take the people who applied just to keep the money coming in.

You definitely can't discriminate in your advert against people with MH challenges. I don't think you're being unreasonable to want calm in your home, but I think you're being unrealistic to expect 'drama-free'. How do you define 'drama'? Remember if you're charging someone rent it becomes their home too and they're entitled to relax and be themselves - and life sometimes brings drama!

Based on what you've said I would question whether having lodgers is the right approach for you. Have you considered providing homestays for foreign students instead (once we can obviously)?

I'd be careful about putting too much detail in the ad about what you do want; I don't want to alarm you, but "tea-total old lady" might attract the wrong type of attention too.
I think there are also likely to be restrictions on limiting by age too.

If there any way that you can divide the house to create a separate flat/bedsit rather than a house share?

As others have suggested, zoom interviews are likely to be more revealing of the things you'd prefer to sift out than an online mail conversation, and if you can find someone you trust that could interview the short list face to face with you, that might help.

I think the site can stipulate what you put in your ad if you are using them as a medium, regardless.

Regardless of any other issue, If you are looking for company then going through standard room rental sites.

You might be better off looking at something like HomeShare schemes

i dont think housesharing is for you OP. even the most sober, mentally stable people can have chaotic lives sometimes. you're probably best living on your own or with famiy/friends you trust.

YABU to discriminate based on mental health. And it’s not even a good indicator of whether someone will bring drama to your home.

I do understand why you want calm but the nature of having lodgers seems incompatible with you needing to be in total control of your safe space.

If you really need the money, what about mon-fri only lets? Possibly not very in demand at the moment as more people are wfh though. But it would give you weekends to yourself and probably attract people with more stable lifestyles as they would have somewhere else to go on weekends, probably professionals who need a crash pad near work.

I do find it kind of depressing that 46% of people reading this post apparently think it's ok to discriminate against people based on a disability.

Agreed. Seems the cloak of anonymity is like catnip to arseholes on this one.

I concur with PP, OP. I don't think you're in the right frame of mind to house share with strangers.

I agree with the previous posters who have advised you not to take in lodgers or housesharers. You don't sound well suited to it, and I think you may have an overoptimistic expectation of a friendly environment which is completely within your control. The reality would be different, and I don't think you are best placed to deal with the inevitable complications.

Also you mention that you are "elderly". This means that you would either be living with much younger lodgers, probably with a different lifestyle, or someone your own age - begging the question why they are lodging in someone else's house at that age. It gets harder to share as we get older, and that in itself could be an issue.

I put YANBU as the question was 'to refuse whoever you want' because you really can, it's your home. However YABU to advertise specifically mentioning MH etc. Or to assume that having a MH issue would always bring negative impacts. However I read your phrasing more that if their mental health made their behaviour disruptive, which is very subjective and for many people would vary drastically.
For example, my DH is bipolar and most of the time he's fine, if a bit lethargic and depressed, but occasionally gets manic and shouts and swears and throws things. You probably would not want to live with him! That's fine. It's totally your choice.

My sister however, also has bipolar, plus anxiety and probably autism. She's an excellent lodger as she's quiet, tidy and considerate, doesn't get shouty or throw stuff, doesn't drink at home and doesn't bring visitors around. Your advert would cut her out but she would be perfect!

There are, rightly so, rules around discrimination, but you are always within your rights to say no to whoever you like. Doesn't mean the people you haven't excluded will turn out to be good lodgers though.

I don't think house sharing will work for you.
Even the most "normal"people's lives can suddenly become chaotic through no fault of their own.

Your number one priority is having a safe, stable home life, and you want to take in lodgers for "company?" Wtf?

Thank you to everyone who took the trouble to reply. All advice and opinions have been taken on board.

@skysblue

Thank you for the link to that page. I was rather startled to read the writer's opinion that:

"While there are definitely a few unsavoury men around, there are also plenty of very unsavoury women!"

Only a FEW men, but PLENTY of women!?!

Surprised a MN user would endorse a writer who could state such a thing!

@ZoeTurtle

Your number one priority is having a safe, stable home life, and you want to take in lodgers for "company?" Wtf?

What's wrong with house-sharing for company?

People marry/cohabit for company!

You cannot discriminate on the grounds of mental illness, you cannot ask if someone takes meds. Yabu

I'm a thirty-something professional who has to work away a lot. This means I've spent a lot of time looking for rooms. I don't know, but maybe I would count as your ideal lodger: away 30% of the time, so you get the house to yourself, old enough to know about cleaning, too old for partying, in a stable relationship so no hookups. However, I wouldn't request to view any property with an ad like that because no-drama normally means 'I provide enough drama for everyone', and specifying details about no alcohol etc generally means 'I'm nosy and will search your room or ask a million questions about why you got back late'. I think you're setting yourself up only to get the weirdos, because decent lodgers are in short supply so can pick and choose.

I think you really need to think about the range of personality traits you could actually cope with. I suspect the range is so small that your ideal lodger doesn't exist. You're setting yourself up for distress and failure.

You want a safe stable home for yourself, but then you decide to take in lodgers for company? No, a thousand times no. Even if you get the type of lodger you want, there is no guarantee they will be company for you, is there? If you need lodgers to help pay the bills, I strongly suggest you move, but, whatever you do, keep your place as your own place, don't share it with random people. Are you nervous on your own or something? If that's the case you need to look again at your accomodation and decide if it's right for you. If you want company, make it on your terms, as friends. Have you tried joining book or craft clubs, amateur dramatics etc (there are so many things) where you can find a group of like minded people? How much nicer to open up your home to entertain friends, and then, at the end of the day say goodbye to them, shut the door on your cosy domain and relax.