Lodgers - AIBU or may I choose?

[Tarquinthecat]

Background: I'm a few decades old and have had a lifetime of suffering an unpredictable, insecure home life: chaotic childhood at the whim of an alcoholic father; first LT partner would become unpredictable and sometimes violent when drunk, and I suffered long term gaslighting by another LT partner.

Obviously all this has left me feeling emotionally bruised, wary and a little anxious, and with a deep need for people I live with to be stable and predictable.

Now I have a place of my own I can create an environment in which I feel safe. I have a couple of spare rooms so I have turned my home into a house share, mainly for company but also to help with the bills.

My number one concern is to have a really safe home environment where I need never be scared or wary of a lodger. Therefore I can only accept lodgers who don't make me feel frightened, vulnerable, or at the mercy of any unpredictable, weird, scary behaviour on their part.

To this end I advertised on a major website, stating that I am determined to have a safe, happy and drama-free house-share, and therefore will not accept applications from anyone who is dependent on alcohol, behaviour--changing or recreational drugs, or who has any kind of mental health issue which adversely affects their behaviour.

My ad was stopped by the site owners. They said that under the Disability Act it is illegal for me to discriminate against people with mental health issues. They forced me to remove the clause or they would not post the ad.

During this covid thing I want to keep the number of personal interviews to the barest minimum, only meeting in person after I have "interviewed" them and weeded them out via the site's messaging system. However, according to the site's owners, I can't ask people those questions that to me are really crucial. I'd have to meet them in person and ask them this question face to face in my home, where the site owners cannot monitor what I am asking (although according to them, I am not allowed to turn people down for this reason.)

Surely as a lone, fairly elderly female I am entitled to have a boundary like this to ensure my own peace of mind and security?

AIBU?

Yes, the site owners are correct.
No, I have a right to refuse whoever I want

Surprised a MN user would endorse a writer who could state such a thing!

I’m surprised that anyone would expect to be able to place an advertisement discriminating on the basis of mental health. ‘But I’m just a nice old lady who wants company’ doesn’t put you above the law. Of course you can choose - from the applicants. What you can’t do is pre-screen on the basis of protected characteristics.

Don’t forget, the company has to protect itself too. Who do you think would be the subject of any complaint? They can’t break the law just because you want to exclude anyone with mental health issues.

To be honest, everything about your ad sounds negative. ‘I don’t want this, I don’t want that...’ I’d be put off instantly. You’re treating the chance to live in your house as a privilege, but not even considering that potential lodgers have choices too.

You seem to want a landlady’s ability to set terms, but the relationship of flatmates. What will you do if you find someone quiet, teetotal and has never taken so much as an aspirin, but who wants to lead such a quiet life that she stays in her room keeping herself to herself?

Wow there are some really nasty people on here. Fancy accusing me of being the creator of drama when I hate it and am very quiet and calm.

Fancy saying I am the one with mental health issues, just because I've been unlucky enough to trust people who then abused that trust. Victim-blaming, much?

I'm really quite shocked at the nastiness. I only asked a question.

And to be told that, after all the time and effort I have put into buying and furnishing this house, that I should move! That's nuts.

And as for "get a cat". Sigh.

For those who weren't nasty - a young woman who responded to my ad has moved in and is very nice indeed. We are getting on fine.

You may not be able to advertise to exclude a protected group, but there's nothing stopping you from weeding out people you find undesirable for any reason whatsoever, no matter how trivial the reason or how "protected" it may be. Just keep it to yourself!

Anyway, as others have said, you'd have no way of knowing whether or not they were honest in their answers, even if you did specify those requirements in your ad.

Someone's already moved in? Well, that was fast...

I think you can achieve what you want without being discriminatory. So, you could advertise that you are seeking a lodger who appreciates peace and quiet, etc.

You might find someone with a mental health condition is absolutely ideal, if they are seeking a quiet, drama free existence to preserve their mental health.

@Tarquinthecat on this thread you have so little self awareness

'Fancy saying I am the one with mental health issues, just because I've been unlucky enough to trust people who then abused that trust. Victim-blaming, much'

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE JUDGING POTENTIAL LODGERS FOR!
And coming on here hoping everyone would say it's fine?

I really hope you have more insight to your behaviour in real life, otherwise I really feel for your lodger. I say this as someone who lodged and houseshared for 18 years. I had some good, some not so good, landlords but none who had such a disparity between how they wanted to be treated and how they treated their tenants

Honestly you need a lodger who who either know, or is a friend of a friend or a new to the area work colleague or something like that rather than a random. Or maybe even the local hospital noticeboard in the hope of a short term arrangement with a new to the area health professional. At least you know they will have been vetted.

Op it isnt victim blaming. Its understanding why you feel the way you do and addressing it. I have anxiety, low self esteem and addiction issues as a result of trauma. This makes me people please, it makes.me jealous if a friend gets another friend, it makes me panic thst im in trouble if manager dont put a smily face on email and makes me want to seek constant validation from colleagues. Not surprisingly given my trauma. But not working with my counsellor doesn't help anyone. If i bottle it up and use drugs i become an unreliable employee. If i constantly ask for assurance from colleagues it pisses them off and doesnt foster healthy relationships. My actions as a result of trauma impact others. It isnt fair for me to inflict my behaviours on others and not trying to remedy it. That also applies to you.

Think of the following snd if youd be ok with it
What if your lodger has 2 glasses of wine every evening?
What if you find a NA keytag on her keys that shes dropped - a quick google tells you shes 90days free of drugs and alcohol
What if you find Ann Summers boxes in the bin?
What if she mentions going to therspy for her MH?
What if she becomes depressed and gpes on medication?

It takes a certsin type of person to be a landlady and to be a lodger. You dont sound like you fit that role. Please access counselling for your own good op. Its the best thing i ever did. And be aware this may all blow up in your face.

We are not responsible for our trauma. We are responsible for our recovery from tbat trauma

Just because a health professional has been vetted doesn't make them superhhman. Ive been vetted for work yet im still an addixt with MH issues. I know so many NHS workers who have MH or addiction issues, and they might not use drugs anymore but are still addicts. I thibk youre setting the bar too high op

I also wonder about the naivety and people pleasing and potential issues of your lodger. A well adjusted person would run a mile at an advert like that.

Wow there are some really nasty people on here. Fancy accusing me of being the creator of drama when I hate it and am very quiet and calm. Fancy saying I am the one with mental health issues, just because I've been unlucky enough to trust people who then abused that trust. Victim-blaming, much? I'm really quite shocked at the nastiness. I only asked a question.

Oh, surprise surprise. Everyone is ‘nasty’ and ‘victim-blaming’, just because they think you’re in the wrong. Who could have seen that coming?

Funny how people who claim to ‘hate drama’ always react in the most dramatic way possible...

@VetiverAndLavender

Someone's already moved in? Well, that was fast...

Indeed...

For those who weren't nasty - a young woman who responded to my ad has moved in and is very nice indeed. We are getting on fine.

Between 2pm Tuesday and 10pm yesterday someone responded to your ad and moved in?

Fine.

Saying “fancy saying [insert inoffensive statement they’ve taken offence to]” is also an indicator of someone who likes to create drama

It’s not victim blaming to say you have to take responsibility for your own actions and not discriminate.

I know lodgers can move quickly but doubt it’s happened this quickly in a pandemic when you wanted multiple interviews. But if it has then good luck to you both

The legal rules on discrimination DO NOT APPLY if all of the following are true:

1. The person advertising for a lodger, or a close member of their family (such as a spouse, partner, parent, grandparent, child, grandchild or sibling), lives in the same property.
2. They will share facilities such as a kitchen, bathroom or living room with the lodger.
3. In addition to the advertiser and their household, the property cannot accommodate more than two other households, or six individual tenants or lodgers.

But none of that would mean the company could, or should, run an advertisement that uses discriminatory language. No one is saying the OP has to offer lodgings to anyone she doesn’t want living with her - the issue is she essentially expected a professional service to say ‘No drunks or nutters’.

I do hope you checked her personal and financial references thoroughly OP. (Personal ones in particular are so easy to fake).

I always recommend seeking a reference from the last-but-one landlord, if there was one, as you'll get a much more accurate picture from someone who has no vested interest in whether or not the person leaves their property.

Fingers crossed you've found someone naturally delightful and will rub along beautifully.

Its true you cannot put that in writing as its discrimination but I would interview your potential lodgers in person very carefully.
I had a lodger with severe bipolar who although I was sympathetic to her having a problem felt it wasn't my monkeys or my circus to have to deal with the constant manic episodes.
I would most definitely vet any future lodger very very carefully.

Honestly I don't think you should have a lodger. You don't sound like you actually want to live with someone else you just want the money. Wouldn't be good for anyone.

@Plussizejumpsuit

Honestly I don't think you should have a lodger. You don't sound like you actually want to live with someone else you just want the money. Wouldn't be good for anyone.

I disagree; I think someone who is very clear about who they would and would not live with is much better placed to take in a lodger. Someone just interested in the money would'nt care.

@VetiverAndLavender

Someone's already moved in? Well, that was fast...

Maybe that the problem, she isn’t vetting properly and taking time. If this lady has moved in it will have been the first person interviewed. I’ve spend a few viewing and a phone calls before inviting a person to be my lodger Or maybe it’s BS and nobody has moved in

I would honestly say that you don't sound ready for a house share which is fine, but pointless now as you've already let someone into your house after knowing her for about 2 days.

Just be careful op, that's all I'll say.

Sounds like people wouldn’t have much of a life lodging with you Op. these are real people with real problems, and the house would also be there’s. Surely they’re allowed to show some weakness in their own living spaces!!

YABVU. You must have heard of anti discrimination laws before now.

As a live in landlady your tenant has no right of abode and you can ask them to vacate almost immediately.
Be careful what papers you get them to sign. NRLA can assist.
Do do a thorough financial check.
Do take up references. Use a checking company.
Do check bank accounts to see if they do earn what they say they do, so you can be sure of the rent.
Do check their passport, photo ID.

I'm a bit surprised that after what happened with the woman you were living with until August 2020 that you would move in a new person who you had only just met.

It seems a little rash.