Lodgers - AIBU or may I choose?

[Tarquinthecat]

Background: I'm a few decades old and have had a lifetime of suffering an unpredictable, insecure home life: chaotic childhood at the whim of an alcoholic father; first LT partner would become unpredictable and sometimes violent when drunk, and I suffered long term gaslighting by another LT partner.

Obviously all this has left me feeling emotionally bruised, wary and a little anxious, and with a deep need for people I live with to be stable and predictable.

Now I have a place of my own I can create an environment in which I feel safe. I have a couple of spare rooms so I have turned my home into a house share, mainly for company but also to help with the bills.

My number one concern is to have a really safe home environment where I need never be scared or wary of a lodger. Therefore I can only accept lodgers who don't make me feel frightened, vulnerable, or at the mercy of any unpredictable, weird, scary behaviour on their part.

To this end I advertised on a major website, stating that I am determined to have a safe, happy and drama-free house-share, and therefore will not accept applications from anyone who is dependent on alcohol, behaviour--changing or recreational drugs, or who has any kind of mental health issue which adversely affects their behaviour.

My ad was stopped by the site owners. They said that under the Disability Act it is illegal for me to discriminate against people with mental health issues. They forced me to remove the clause or they would not post the ad.

During this covid thing I want to keep the number of personal interviews to the barest minimum, only meeting in person after I have "interviewed" them and weeded them out via the site's messaging system. However, according to the site's owners, I can't ask people those questions that to me are really crucial. I'd have to meet them in person and ask them this question face to face in my home, where the site owners cannot monitor what I am asking (although according to them, I am not allowed to turn people down for this reason.)

Surely as a lone, fairly elderly female I am entitled to have a boundary like this to ensure my own peace of mind and security?

AIBU?

Yes, the site owners are correct.
No, I have a right to refuse whoever I want

You could try flipping your ad around, so that it doesn't read so negatively.
So, something like: 'quiet, intuitive, respectful, positive, calm, clean-living, housemates wanted'.

Almost the same thing, and should help to weed out others.
I was always fairly strict on my dating profiles, and never attracted the loons that some others seemed to

Just a follow-up as things have changed. A newly graduated woman replied, viewed/was interviewed on 5th and moved in two days later, and has now been here just over three weeks, on furlough so at home nearly the whole time. She's perfect. In between getting on with our own projects we have lots of short, pleasant chats, which is nice, as that bit of social interaction is just enough to stop either of us from feeling lonely. There are no dramas and no problems, and we've been doing each other small favours. I'm glad I stuck to my guns, and I'll definitely have the same restrictions in place permanently.

Glad your situation has worked out, but sad you haven’t learned anything about disability discrimination.

I really think you are not going into this for the right reasons. You also sound fragile.
Can you imagine how your life will be with a nightmare lodger, or two. You can't tell just on an interview, what they will be like to live with. They could takeover, be rude, disrespectful......also a lodger is unlikely to be a friend as such.
Please if you can afford it, stay as you are.

@Tarquinthecat

Just a follow-up as things have changed. A newly graduated woman replied, viewed/was interviewed on 5th and moved in two days later, and has now been here just over three weeks, on furlough so at home nearly the whole time. She's perfect. In between getting on with our own projects we have lots of short, pleasant chats, which is nice, as that bit of social interaction is just enough to stop either of us from feeling lonely. There are no dramas and no problems, and we've been doing each other small favours. I'm glad I stuck to my guns, and I'll definitely have the same restrictions in place permanently.

You are glad you stuck to your guns about discriminating against disabled? Right.

A newly graduated woman replied,

How old is she, OP?

@Tarquinthecat

Just a follow-up as things have changed. A newly graduated woman replied, viewed/was interviewed on 5th and moved in two days later, and has now been here just over three weeks, on furlough so at home nearly the whole time. She's perfect. In between getting on with our own projects we have lots of short, pleasant chats, which is nice, as that bit of social interaction is just enough to stop either of us from feeling lonely. There are no dramas and no problems, and we've been doing each other small favours. I'm glad I stuck to my guns, and I'll definitely have the same restrictions in place permanently.

But you didn’t ‘stick to your guns’. No one ever said you couldn’t choose the individual lodger. The gun you were trying to stick to was a discriminatory advertisement. You still weren’t allowed to run the ad.

I'm glad it is working out.

As for the original ad, the point about no addictions I think is a reasonable one to specify, but not that about a mental health issue in general.

Hi, interested in the Lodgers - AIBU or may I choose? discussion.

I’ve got MH issues. I’m also very easy to live with and have minimal drama in my life

This is an old thread so we're closing it to new posts.