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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think ADULTERY should be treated as FRAUD and punished accordingly?

146 replies

LockedDownLil · 04/01/2021 16:14

By way of the cheated spouse being accorded a larger proportion of finances, automatic full custody of the children, and the cheaters name being besmirched forever more? Like a cheaters register similar to a bankruptcy register. They’re morally bankrupt so it’s pretty much the same.

Is the reason that there are no penalties for this serious breach of contract because it’s mainly men who are the perpetrators?

OP posts:
Hilly17 · 04/01/2021 17:16

Errr nope...

Particularly, why should cheating affect access to their children? Totally wrong.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2021 17:17

And imagine the woman cheats because the husband is physically abusive. Whether people want to admit it or not, it does happen.

So then, this physically abusive man, who has done everything in his power to control his wife, retains that control because instead of leaving him she left him for someone else, and this abusive man gets to keep the money and the kids.

2bazookas · 04/01/2021 17:17

maybe you'd like your cheater to be boiled alive too??? In a slow cooker.

Mintjulia · 04/01/2021 17:19

I thought we were making progress, edging towards no-fault divorce.

Instead op, you think a system where a spouse could end any intimacy, refuse to co-operate with divorce and prevent the husband or wife having a sex life for five years! Ramps up blame, anger and division, and cost of evidence. Makes amicable co-parenting almost possible.

How can you possibly think that's a good idea?

minipie · 04/01/2021 17:20

As a lawyer I have thought along these lines OP. A better analogy however is with breach of contract rather than fraud.

There is no register of contract breakers, although as with adulterers, word gets around.

For breach of contract the wronged party can claim damages for the amount lost as a result of the breach. With divorce we don’t do this. We have a system that doesn’t look at fault when making financial awards. I suspect it’s because if we did look at fault, there would be horrific amounts of mud slinging by both sides (in an attempt to prove oneself the wronged party/even more badly wronged). This would be very harmful to all involved, especially if there are children as there usually are.

iklboo · 04/01/2021 17:20

I thought I'd seen every level of weird today but...nope. Mumsnet - the gift that keeps on giving.

EveningOverRooftops · 04/01/2021 17:23

I went into a serious relationship under the assumption EX DP wasn’t married. He never told me he was married or had been. I wasn’t naive, I knew he has split from his partner that was it.

Of course I asked if he had ever been married or engaged, as you do in a relationship etc. And he never once told me he was still married to his ex and hadn’t even made any attempt to divorce her. Absolutely nothing. Just mentioned them all as ex girlfriends.

I invested not just emotionally but monetarily into this fraud of a relationship and feel I should’ve been compensated for the complete fuck up he created.

He proposed and made plans and promises on the basis he was single that had huge repercussions for me and DC when the truth was properly revealed that required therapy inc time off work to attend for both me and DC that had later implications including my job loss because DC was so bereft and subsequent debt.

This was not entirely of my own making, I had no way at all to know he was a liar and fraud and shouldn’t have ended up in the mess I was in because of his lies and manipulation.

So yes, I’d love it if there was a way to ‘sue for damages’ over something of that nature especially if it can be proven.

However, realistically it can’t happen and never would. so we women have to behave responsibly and with care to each other and warn each other about these atrocious men and actually pay attention sometimes too.

Because such a system doesn’t exist I did what any angry woman would do and I just messaged everyone on his various social media friends lists a blow by blow run down of exactly what he had done not only to me but other people involved and the harm he had caused.

His step father tore him a new one, his wife reached out for support and was raging he had used her and he quit his job through shame of people talking

I think that was sufficient enough for that absolute shitgibbon but it’ll never bring back the months of stress from a suicidal DC and the years it took to repair that damage.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 04/01/2021 17:23

You've got the date wrong, it's not April 1st for 3 more months.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/01/2021 17:25

Ok then Confused

Butchyrestingface · 04/01/2021 17:27

As a lawyer I have thought along these lines OP. A better analogy however is with breach of contract rather than fraud.

Didn't breach of contract used to be a thing with broken engagements?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 04/01/2021 17:28

@MaryLeeOnHigh

Can you imagine the lawyers' beanfeast this would be, with both parties to a marriage accusing the other of adultery so they could cop the family's assets?

What happens if they have both committed adultery? Does custody of the kids go to the one who can show they only did it 99 times instead of 100?

Have YOU had a relationship end in the last three years that wasn't your fault? You need Adultery Lawyers 4U! Mrs. M's husband cheated on her, and she got a payout of £500,000 and her ex and the OW both got life sentences in prison. Mr. W's wife cheated on him, and he got a payout of £1000,000* and his ex got fourteen years in a North Korean hard labour camp. "Thanks to Adultery Lawyers 4U, I got the revenge I so desperately needed. And enough money to buy a mail order bride so this never happens again." *Gender pay gap
Meruem · 04/01/2021 17:29

There can be an element of “emotional harm” and if you think of the recent expanded laws around DV you now have an offence of “coercive control” which is also emotional harm. So while OP’s suggestions may be a bit wild, there are laws that address emotional harm in other circumstances so why not cheating? I’m thinking of where the “cheater: gaslights, lies, puts their partners sexual health at risk etc. Often married couples don’t use condoms with the understanding both are being faithful. If one isn’t, then the “innocent” party might catch an STI which would be a form of actual bodily harm.

bluebluezoo · 04/01/2021 17:34

I do wonder if there should be some comeback for those cheaters who are then able to plan their divorce in their favour:

The ones who squirrel away money, rack up credit card debt, remortgage for house improvements so less equity. Empty joint savings accounts etc.

Usually when the cheetee is completely unaware until they are asked to leave or leave.

Have to say it’s mainly women I’ve known do this though as they are more likely to keep the house and property. Men tend to have to be kicked out when they cheat.

ScrambledSmegs · 04/01/2021 17:34

Besmirched? Good word but really? Grin

Anyway, in answer to your question - that's pretty much what literally used to happen to women who were accused of being adulterers. Legally and socially. Why do you think there was a commonly known and used word for a man whose wife cheated on him (cuckold) but not the other way around (supposedly cuckqueen but not in popular usage).

Thank goodness society has evolved.

Winterwoollies · 04/01/2021 17:41

Sometimes people really don’t think before making thread, do they?

Mystraightenersarebroken · 04/01/2021 17:45

Whatever Hmm

knittingaddict · 04/01/2021 17:45

No.

For one thing there will be many cases where the "innocent" party is a far worse human being than the one having the affair. I don't condone affairs at all and ideally would prefer it if all married people got divorced before they start another relationship, but some people are with controlling abusive people and leaving is more difficult than you might expect.

It's a daft idea op and I'm sure you know that.

PetertheWalrus · 04/01/2021 17:46

The fact that adultery is not a crime, may make this a bit tricky OP.

amber763 · 04/01/2021 17:47

Don't be so daft.

JingsMahBucket · 04/01/2021 17:48

And with this OP, Mumsnet takes another dark step into the descent of becoming The Handmaid's Tale.

rawlikesushi · 04/01/2021 17:51

I am fully on board with this.

pointythings · 04/01/2021 17:51

Nope. We should be focusing our efforts on introducing no-fault divorce (which would save a lot of conflict and unpleasantness), enforcing child maintenance payments far more stringently (with custodial sentences for non-payers) and dealing harshly with spouses who hide assets. This to apply equally to both sexes.

Tiredmum100 · 04/01/2021 17:52

Stupid idea. So if a husband is abusive and violent and a woman cheats the abusive husband should get the children?

Choice4567 · 04/01/2021 17:54

There are other parts to the legal contract though. Could the same punishment apply if EXH refused to ever look after me when I was ill, even though he promised to in his vows?

oakleaffy · 04/01/2021 17:55

I was cheated upon as a woman,. but NO WAY would I want this to happen.

If one takes a cool hard look at oneself, and the marriage , it is usually 50/50 why the relationship breaks down.

Especially when a couple got together when they were very young.
People can grow apart.

If they want different things..EG, Man wants kids, women doesn't..
Or if sex has dwindled to nothing, say to once or twice a year.

Both parties are usually at fault.
Ironically many divorced people {Inc me} remain in good terms with their ex, especially if children are involved.

Jaw jaw, not war war as Churchill said.