AIBU to think homesickness is no excuse for moving to a different country away from your child?

[SaucyHorse]

Excluding very temporary arrangements, which I understand could be the right choice even if difficult, I can't understand how anyone could do it. And I don't mean moving between neighbouring countries with land borders so that it might not actually be that far.

My friend and I are both immigrants. We both have children with natives of the country we moved to. My friend left the mother of his child a few months after he was born, but so far has been co-parenting his son quite well with his ex. The boy is now 10 and my friend is making noises about moving back to his home country (3 hour flight away) because he's just so homesick and he can't bear it any more. He is a citizen here, speaks the language, has a good job and a wife who is also a native of this country, so he's well 'integrated' if you want to call it that. His ex is obviously going to be staying here with his son no matter what he decides.

I just couldn't imagine even considering moving away from my children. DH and I are still together so it's different, but when I chose to have children in this country with a native of this country I knew that I could never move away unless we all went together. I committed to that and if we ever did split, I'd be staying here no matter what because I couldn't live in a different country to my children, at least before they reach adulthood. And my friend's son was planned but even if he wasn't, when you're a parent you have responsibilities.

I said to him something along the lines of yes, that must be difficult, but there's not really anything you can do about it because of your son, but he just sort of uhmed and ahed about it.

Am I being unreasonably judgmental to think that a parent shouldn't even have this option on the table, or at least not for something like homesickness? In my experience as an immigrant, homesickness can come in waves occasionally, but it passes, and it's usually a case of rose-tinted spectacles anyway. I can understand wanting to be closer to parents, siblings etc. but not at the expense of being so much further from your actual child.

@Snarfclamper I think it’s only different to people who aren’t used to Nope from one country to the next OR don’t feel they belong to two different places.

My dcs feel more ‘BRITISH’ than French but they still feel French and France is still ‘home’ to them too.Even if they’ve never lived there. How they relate to people moving there from the U.K. is not the same than if said child has no relationship with that country.
(Seen that in practice when my own parents who had lived there more or less all my dcs live and were very involved decided to move back to France).

I stayed in the UK because of my child, honestly... I wouldn’t judge anyone feeling like this dad. He may be feeling quite lost on his own and under coronavirus restrictions. I would much rather send a kid to visit a happy parent four times a year than every other weekend to a depressed one.

We all deal with homesickness/loneliness in different ways, you are judging a case in theory, you won’t know until you get there. And even so, the fact that you could manage doesn’t mean that everyone can or should.

@PlanDeRaccordement

To be fair, ten years old is old enough to fly unaccompanied to the other country to visit for summers and holidays. And 3hrs isn’t that far. It’s not the other side of the world. Many children that age get sent off to boarding schools in other countries. So I would not judge. I think homesickness can be harder on some and easier on others. People can integrate and try their hardest to be happy, but may simply be miserable in a different country and culture. They shouldn’t be judged for that.

Disagree. He's a parent. You can't do that job just in

In the holidays.

[quote TonMoulin]@Snarfclamper I think it’s only different to people who aren’t used to Nope from one country to the next OR don’t feel they belong to two different places.

My dcs feel more ‘BRITISH’ than French but they still feel French and France is still ‘home’ to them too.Even if they’ve never lived there. How they relate to people moving there from the U.K. is not the same than if said child has no relationship with that country.
(Seen that in practice when my own parents who had lived there more or less all my dcs live and were very involved decided to move back to France).[/quote]
Tonmoulin I think it’s only different to people who aren’t used to Nope from one country to the next OR don’t feel they belong to two different places.

I am not only familiar with this situation - we are living it - and we definitely belong to two different places ...or more specifically post-Brexit ...I (not DC or DH) belong nowhere depending on how you look at it .

And I agree that DC can morph in and out of two different cultures very easily if their parents (or at least grandparents) are there with them. But at some point that has to stop for the DC to be educated in n one place (unless you are a billionaire with travelling tutors and I wouldn't say that was ideal either!) It's when the dcs' main care-givers are in a physically different place/country to them that problems, ime, arise. Which is why boarding schools often have "host families" in place for emergencies/pastoral care.

And this thread is about parents living in a physically different place to their dc. As I say, I have seen a lot of it ...and the misery it causes. Hell, a lot of stress and difficulty is caused when one parent works away or travels a lot for work, which is sometimes economically necessary for a period of time, never mind being permanently located in another country. Ime, someone "pays", and it is usually the child who pays most of all. I could relate countless examp!es ... .

I think you just can't know enough about someone else's life to judge

Man is leaving country his child lives in through choice. What more do you need to know to judge that?

As for "how is it different to living three hours away in the same country?" Is that a real question? Because its inane.

My ex and I emigrated to Australia when we got married as it was always a dream for him. He always said he would never move back. After we divorced he met someone online from our original country. Moved back to be with her when our children were teenagers. He made no attempt to keep the relationship going and our children have not seen him for years. I would love to go back home as all my family live there but my children love Australia. Even though they are now adults I would never go back and leave them here. We made the choice to emigrate and have children here. He left without a backward glance but I won’t no matter how homesick I get.

I'm an immigrant (11 hour flight away), and it is my pet peeve that so many people from my country move to a country, get married to a native of the country, have children in that country and are homesick/miserable every day of their lives - something that is very visible to their children. And can make them suffer an identity crisis in many ways. Also the constant talk of how much better life is 'back home'....how would they know when they've been gone over a decade!

Where you move, settle, choose to have kids, and who you marry are all choices. I have a friend who was so homesick she left her husband and took her 14 year DS back to our native country. It is a completely different life to what DS is used to - a life his own mother clearly did not enjoy that much because she immigrated in the first place, and married someone of a different culture! The boy is miserable and confused and spending his formative adolescent years somewhere he doesn't understand - so disruptive to him, and I fear she's really fractured her relationship with him.

A lot of immigrants have a very idealised version of what life would be like back home - completely forgetting that they've been gone so long, they wouldn't really fit back in the way they imagine. Most of them haven't lived or worked in the native country since they were a lot younger, and have no idea what it's like when you're a parent. Either way, whatever their burdens and struggles, it is very unfair to let their children suffer so YANBU.

@YouBoughtMeAWall

It’s better to have two happy parents than one or two depressed parents because they hate where they live.

But you don’t have two happy parents if one moves a 3 hour flight away. You have one parent doing 100% of the donkey work and one person you visit occasionally. Like a fun exotic uncle.

Exactly @YouBoughtMeAWall. Its a 3 hour flight + drive to airports + check in times and all in all more like 8 hours door to door she said through bitter experience

And it's totally reneging on the actual day to day parenting.
Thankfully I have a DP who decided to step up and be the dad, whilst shitty ExH is fanning around self-congratulating in Europe. Frankly everyone's been extremely grateful that COVID stopped his flights

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

My brother's ex wife took their child to the other side of the country. A five mile drive away.........they still see each other and have an excellent relationship.

There's no reason to say your friend and his ds won't either. It's a bit dramatic to say he's abandoning him when he's a three hour flight away.

I have 'excellent relationships' with people I see infrequently. It's not parenting though is it?

@eightxmaspaws no, but sadly thousands of ex partners move away with their children. And that's what the ' ex dad's ' get left with. Those who want to make it work will make it work.

They obviously went right somewhere as my now adult niece is one of the most emotionally sorted people I know. Her dad's usually the first person she rings with news or if she needs help with anything. And it was her dad she.stayed with when the pressure of uni became too much and she needed a break from it all for a few months. To suggest she hasn't been parented by him is ridiculous.

[quote WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]@eightxmaspaws no, but sadly thousands of ex partners move away with their children. And that's what the ' ex dad's ' get left with. Those who want to make it work will make it work.

They obviously went right somewhere as my now adult niece is one of the most emotionally sorted people I know. Her dad's usually the first person she rings with news or if she needs help with anything. And it was her dad she.stayed with when the pressure of uni became too much and she needed a break from it all for a few months. To suggest she hasn't been parented by him is ridiculous.[/quote]
Have you considered that they have such a great relationship because it wasn't her dad that decided to move away AND he tried very hard to be involved?

No one says anything about this when an immigrant moves to the uk, leaving their wife and DC behind, sending money back to be spent in that economy rather than the country they earned it in.

🤷‍♀️

No one says anything about this when an immigrant moves to the uk, leaving their wife and DC behind, sending money back to be spent in that economy rather than the country they earned it in

Lots of people would have plenty to say about that.

Yabu
Aged 10 is an acceptable age for a child to make a short flight to visit a parent.

@wherewildthingsare

Yabu Aged 10 is an acceptable age for a child to make a short flight to visit a parent.

A few times a year?

Whoop-de-doo

Aged 10 is an acceptable age for a child to make a short flight to visit a parent

No., aged 10 is not an acceptable age to lose your parent from your daily life. It is not an acceptable age to be abandoned by a parent. Seeing them a couple of times a year is not parenting.

I'm pretty hard line about this, having had it done to me.

If you move far away from your child in the event of a breakup, to another country or more than say 40mins travel, then my personal opinion is that that is piss poor parenting. A lot of people are bloody selfish and it's all about them and their life and priorities.

I wouldn't judge in the case that the NRP's position was destitution or move far away for work, but called every day, wrote, actually loved their child enough to be devastated at the necessity.

But once I had children they became my ultimate priority - I want to be with them. If my husband and I split up we would live close by to each other, and each see them as much as possible. Because he loves that child to death, and so do I.

Sadly, my father didn't make much effort, and now I've had my child he doesn't make much effort with him either. I don't know what else to say except it hurts me now and it hurt me then and so when I hear of people doing this I think 'piss poor parenting and also indicative of a shitty selfish person'.

12:25Apollo3

No one says anything about this when an immigrant moves to the uk, leaving their wife and DC behind, sending money back to be spent in that economy rather than the country they earned it in
The guy in the op has a good job already. It's not a case of needing to move to work or your family will starve or be in dire financial circumstances, so not the same.

Distance is generally bad for relationships. That’s why long distance relationships are so hard to maintain and be part of. Parent-child relationships are the same. Regardless of how many in-denial people insist it’s “fine”. It isn’t.

I would massively judge this man.

yeah, I didn't write that

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?

The flight is 3 hours to actual travel time more likely to be around 6. If you have enough money to visit with the frequency that you'd visit if you moved 6 + hours away then you could maybe compare it.

6? More like 9.

I don't judge anyone for feeling homesick. I judge them for deciding they can just opt out of parenting because of it. Moving to another country is opting out of parenting.

Yes I agree with this.