AIBU to think homesickness is no excuse for moving to a different country away from your child?

[SaucyHorse]

Excluding very temporary arrangements, which I understand could be the right choice even if difficult, I can't understand how anyone could do it. And I don't mean moving between neighbouring countries with land borders so that it might not actually be that far.

My friend and I are both immigrants. We both have children with natives of the country we moved to. My friend left the mother of his child a few months after he was born, but so far has been co-parenting his son quite well with his ex. The boy is now 10 and my friend is making noises about moving back to his home country (3 hour flight away) because he's just so homesick and he can't bear it any more. He is a citizen here, speaks the language, has a good job and a wife who is also a native of this country, so he's well 'integrated' if you want to call it that. His ex is obviously going to be staying here with his son no matter what he decides.

I just couldn't imagine even considering moving away from my children. DH and I are still together so it's different, but when I chose to have children in this country with a native of this country I knew that I could never move away unless we all went together. I committed to that and if we ever did split, I'd be staying here no matter what because I couldn't live in a different country to my children, at least before they reach adulthood. And my friend's son was planned but even if he wasn't, when you're a parent you have responsibilities.

I said to him something along the lines of yes, that must be difficult, but there's not really anything you can do about it because of your son, but he just sort of uhmed and ahed about it.

Am I being unreasonably judgmental to think that a parent shouldn't even have this option on the table, or at least not for something like homesickness? In my experience as an immigrant, homesickness can come in waves occasionally, but it passes, and it's usually a case of rose-tinted spectacles anyway. I can understand wanting to be closer to parents, siblings etc. but not at the expense of being so much further from your actual child.

I grew up with both my parents but lived very rurally so didn't have any neighbours or easy access to school friends at weekends. I didn't have close friends from any of my activities. Everyone's lives are different.

I’m not sure what point you’re making tbh. How does your normal make it any less difficult for those that have that and then suddenly don’t because a parent moved far away?

How come you call the country you were born in "home"? Isn't your home where you actually live and where your family (husband, children) live?

It depens.
For me the UK WAS home. That was where my partner is, my dcs live and were born. Ive spent more than 20 years in the uk afterall. More time than I have ever spent in any other country in my life. And yes that includes my 'home country'.

But the UK isn't home anymore. Thanks the Tories and their 'jumping the queues' and 'go back home' speech for that. When I moved here, I moved within europe. For me, it was like moving from let's say england to NI. Not like moving to another country on the other side of the world (whihc I have done too). Like many if EU citizens, I don't feel welcome anymore.... :( And tbh, the 1st January has just reinforced that feeling of disocnnection, and the feeling of 'not belonging'

But this could also be because, like the case in the OP, you are actually not married any more with said partner. Your dcs don't live with you and you see them maybe EOW of that. How is that going to still feel like home??

Home for me is where I feel comfortable. Where my family is. My family isn't just my partner and kids. It's also my parents, cousins etc... the wider family. The family that is so important to so many people (see the dropping at each other houses every week, grand parents doing childcare for the grand kids etc... As an immigrant, I had given up on all that but this doesnt mean that the connexion doesnt exist anymore and that you don't miss that.
If suddenly what was making one country home is gone (eg a divorce) I think it's fair enough to miss your family. Just like so many women 'move back home' after a divorce saying that their network/family is where they grew up, not where they live.

Basically, home is much more than a house and a partner....

[quote JingsMahBucket]@juliastone
How come you call the country you were born in "home"? Isn't your home where you actually live and where your family (husband, children) live?

Erm, because likely that’s the original country where you grew up, your family and friends of your formative years are there, it’s where you created long lasting memories like university, first loves, etc. Your whole life experience and family doesn’t just get erased when you get married and/or have children. 🤨

It’s possible to have two homes or even three, depending on how your life was formed.[/quote]
I agree.

Personally I had three homes. Where I was born and spend my years as a student, where I spent my childhood (different country) and where i currently live (or at least t felt like it).

Who I am is also no a mix of all those influences, which has made me say often that I dont have a 'home' because I cant fu;y recognise myself in any place either....

Flip side to that is that I can also move from said 'home' like the UK with much less of backward glance than people who have only known the UK as a home country.

How come you call the country you were born in "home"? Isn't your home where you actually live and where your family (husband, children) live?

As PP said, it is called homesick cause your new home doesn't feel like home. Also to add to what others have said. Home is not just the people. It is also about belonging. Knowing how things work, language, customs, easyness etc. I rememeber when I first moved to the UK, after about 6 months, there was a my home country market in London where I went with my bf. I loved it. All the people there functioned familiar way, they were all appropriately quiet without chitchat, the food was what I knew, they went walked through the market the correct manner. Ok, it's not better or worse than our local saurday market but I just enjoyed for the hour how everything functioned like I wanted it to. I feel like home is a lot more abstract than just a house or people. Also, I do think having kids can make you a lot more homesick when you cannot provide them with the same upbringing due to differences within the culture.

I also think people can have more than one home.

@5zeds

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?

It's a 3 hour flight to my home country.

If everything goes smoothly it's more like 7/ 8 hours door to door. If it doesn't I've been on the "road" for 12/15 hours.

@Alys20

Yes, you are being unreasonably judgemental.

You know nothing about his future plans for seeing his child, or his true motives for wanting to move or travel. Absolutely none of your business, is it?

It doesn't matter what his plans are .

Moving a 3 hour flight away is not conducive to a close, involved parenting relationships no matter how well you plan.

If everything goes smoothly it's more like 7/ 8 hours door to door. If it doesn't I've been on the "road" for 12/15 hours. much like a train journey within England then.

@5zeds

If everything goes smoothly it's more like 7/ 8 hours door to door. If it doesn't I've been on the "road" for 12/15 hours. much like a train journey within England then.

Not really. If you have to rely on flights there is a lot that can go wrong and not much alternative.

I really don’t see the difference. There are lots of different ways to be a family, and holding “mum and dad at home or as close as we can get to it” as the ideal isn’t always accurate. As someone said up thread, are you suggesting children at boarding school aren’t bonded to their parents? What about a child who’s parent is in the military and away for long periods of time? What about fathers who work away Mon to Fri? 3 hours in a plane is NOT a huge barrier.

My brother's ex wife took their child to the other side of the country. A five mile drive away.........they still see each other and have an excellent relationship.

There's no reason to say your friend and his ds won't either. It's a bit dramatic to say he's abandoning him when he's a three hour flight away.

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country? Apart from the fact that one is another country, there is no difference, and I judge someone who does that in equal measure.

As for the PP making comparisons to children sent to boarding schools, it is different. I went to boarding school from the age of eleven because A, I went to a specialist school, and B, my parents didn’t live locally. At the time I didn’t always like it but I made friends there I wouldn’t otherwise have, and as such I believe it very much shaped me as an adult. But the difference is that when I went home, I actually went home to both of my parents. One parent deciding they just fancy living somewhere else because their current city doesn’t suit them any more means that that parent is going to be a part of that child’s life rather than a constant. The child will visit that parent, rather than go home to them. Iyswim.

It’s a bit like having family living elsewhere, you enjoy visiting them, but it’s not the same as living with them.

AlternativePerspective but that's not much different to EOW. My father lived a 15-20 minute walk away and his house was not home to me. It felt like visiting a stranger. Now, that's because he was emotionally distant. I would have rather he had moved to another country and taken some sort of vested interest in us, than be physically close but basically useless to us.

I live abroad and lots of people send their DCs to boarding school 8-12 hour flights away from age 11-12. Personally I could never do it especially as we have British and IB schools here with excellent results sending students to top UK/US unis every year.

So in other words I’ve stopped getting overly involved in other people’s parenting choices no matter how much I may personally disapprove.

@5zeds

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?

It's very different because countries can close borders and travelling from overseas isn't as easy as getting in your car on the spur of a moment or in an emergency to get to somebody.

My ex moves back to the ROI, well I say back but he hadn't actually lived there since he was a baby and he moved because he'd got chatting to some women he knew as a teen .

All the promises of I'll come back once a month and he only managed 4 times in the first year , although the last four months was down to covid .

He managed to see them for a few weeks over summer who knows when he'll see them again. I think it's selfish and how anyone could even think about it the way things are right now I don't know

I know people who work if shore for 12 weeks at a time leaving their families at home It's probably not much different in terms of how often they see their dc as op pointed out some dc board miles from home or in different countries

I wouldn't do this, and in most cases I think it's just a bad idea.

However I also think homesickness can be seriously horrible in a way that is difficult for many people to understand.

Also though, sometimes the person who is not the primary caregiver can find the relationship with the child is so upsetting that it almost seems better to just make a clean break. And it's not just crappy dads who can feel that way, it's often ones who have strong emotions. It seems to happen mainly where there is a particularly bad relationship with the mother.

I think people's feelings about these situations can be complicated.

I do think that what the practical arrangements would be for visitation are is a factor to consider. Short visits a few times a year is a lot different than spending the whole summer every year, or splitting 50/50.

I have considered ity at times. At my lowest I've been suicidal. I'm sure away and Alice us better than dead.

I understand why many people really struggle to see their children one evening a week and every other weekend. Not much chance to be a family. Might be better for all if the parent went overseas.

I think I am probably going to offend people whose DC go to boarding school and parents who live in a different country to their offspring by saying this, but ime children (especially teens funnily enough) don't just have problems or need you at set times "to order" at weekends or during the school holidays. They need you when they need you. For example, I am NOT saying I am parent of the year or anything, but if my teen is worried about something, having been monosyllabic and rejected all overtures of concern during a particular day, she will usually confide in me at the most inconvenient time possible and sit on the end of my bed and open up, just as I am about to go to sleep. And I think that's a crucial thing for children to be able to do.

And I say that as someone who lives in a country I wouldn't necessarily choose to live in had my dh not been working here, who has struggled with work and missing family because of where I live. And whose parents were too elderly to offer the happy "staging post" that others have talked about on here. I don't care this view is "provincial" or not - we live in a v international city - and I see all sorts of misery and stresses imposed on children (and their spouses or ex spouses) by absent parents. It's what is best for the children that comes FIRST and I don't care if you are depressed, homesick, anxious, unfulfilled etc - I have been all of those things at various times and to add insult to injury, Brexit is now causing me all sorts of issues. No matter what though, your children's needs come first above your own. I am not saying it is easy though, not at all.

And yes of course it is possible to have two or three places you consider home, but practically speaking, once your child enters full time education, you have to settle somewhere. And as they get older, it damages dc friendships and their sense of "belonging" if you are always buggering off somewhere else for all of the high days and holidays.

And yes of course fathers are less judged for buggering off and "making a life for themselves".

And yes of course Covid-19 and Brexit offer the perfect examples of why living in a different country to your child and "just being able to hop on or off a plane at any time" isn't always that simple ... . And btw it's very rarely "just" a two or three hour flight one, there are always problems, delays, illness, unmoveable work commitments ... .

@Snarfclamper sounds exactly the same kind of thinking that some people have about childcare and WAHM/SAHM. It’s not so much offensive as intolerant of different family set ups and needs.

[quote 5zeds]@Snarfclamper sounds exactly the same kind of thinking that some people have about childcare and WAHM/SAHM. It’s not so much offensive as intolerant of different family set ups and needs.[/quote]
No it isn't. Living in another country to your child is distinctly different.

Rather than boarding school where no parent is there, id compare that to a parent working in the army and been sent away for months at a time. Would anyone dare say to parents in the army, most of them men, that by definition they are bad parents because they aren’t there all the time? Or because they can’t just drop everything if the other parent is ill?
I very doubt so.

I also know people who are working night shifts/alternate shift and hardly see each other, incl their dcs. Would people again say that they are not good parents because of that? I’m thinking medics atm who are working extremely long shifts plus overtime. Are they crap parents too?

On the other side, let’s read the experience of children whose parents were depressed and deeply unhappy. Whether it’s because they were ill, were in an unhappy marriage but felt they couldnt leave (which btw could easily be the case for immigrants, Eg married to a ‘local’ - see issues with been able to stay in the country etc.... Having BRITISH children in the uk doen’t mean you can stay in the country as a parent).
The effect is long lasting and pretty crap too.

I certainly know that my own issues with chronic health problems, a crap relationship etc... have had a huge impact on my dcs. But you see I stayed (both in the country and in the relationhsip because the other choice was to make my dcs live in poverty - thanks to the Tories and their crap benefit system). Now that they are older teens, I wonder..
Would things have been better for them if I had left (and that means I would have left the country too). Tbh it’s nowhere near clear cut. But that’s not something you would know unles you’ve actually been in that position imo.

I know someone who did go back to his country after splitting up and being marooned in a new place in the countryside, with no friends or a job, that they had just moved into before the split.

He was back in less than 6 weeks, he missed his children too much.