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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think homesickness is no excuse for moving to a different country away from your child?

163 replies

SaucyHorse · 02/01/2021 22:02

Excluding very temporary arrangements, which I understand could be the right choice even if difficult, I can't understand how anyone could do it. And I don't mean moving between neighbouring countries with land borders so that it might not actually be that far.

My friend and I are both immigrants. We both have children with natives of the country we moved to. My friend left the mother of his child a few months after he was born, but so far has been co-parenting his son quite well with his ex. The boy is now 10 and my friend is making noises about moving back to his home country (3 hour flight away) because he's just so homesick and he can't bear it any more. He is a citizen here, speaks the language, has a good job and a wife who is also a native of this country, so he's well 'integrated' if you want to call it that. His ex is obviously going to be staying here with his son no matter what he decides.

I just couldn't imagine even considering moving away from my children. DH and I are still together so it's different, but when I chose to have children in this country with a native of this country I knew that I could never move away unless we all went together. I committed to that and if we ever did split, I'd be staying here no matter what because I couldn't live in a different country to my children, at least before they reach adulthood. And my friend's son was planned but even if he wasn't, when you're a parent you have responsibilities.

I said to him something along the lines of yes, that must be difficult, but there's not really anything you can do about it because of your son, but he just sort of uhmed and ahed about it.

Am I being unreasonably judgmental to think that a parent shouldn't even have this option on the table, or at least not for something like homesickness? In my experience as an immigrant, homesickness can come in waves occasionally, but it passes, and it's usually a case of rose-tinted spectacles anyway. I can understand wanting to be closer to parents, siblings etc. but not at the expense of being so much further from your actual child.

OP posts:
howdoyouknow123 · 02/01/2021 23:29

Homesickness is not to be underestimated

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2021 23:34

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?

I was wondering that myself. He's hardly moving to the other side of the world.

Hopdathelf · 02/01/2021 23:53

Homesickness is not to be underestimated

I agree. It’s bent so easy, even if you don’t travel home regularly, to at least know you could go.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for this, especially now.

Original poster
SaucyHorse · 03/01/2021 12:12

I know things have been difficult this year especially with international travel restrictions. It sucks not having the freedom to travel and see your family and friends back in your home country whenever you want. I've struggled with that too.

But I'd pick having to wait to see my parents every day of the week over being unable to travel to see my own children. Thinking about parents separated from children in different countries with travel restrictions makes me feel a bit sick. For me, the restrictions have only highlighted further how important it is to live close to the most important family, who are my children.

And yeah of course 3 hours flight is nothing like a 3 hours drive or 3 hours on the train. It can easily be 8+ hours of actual travelling. But yes, I suppose the boy is old enough to fly solo.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 03/01/2021 12:19

I think a woman would be judged more harshly if she did this and no I don’t think it is something a parent should do.

However, I have lived overseas twice, one time I was deeply unhappy, the other time I was relatively happy although moved back to the UK in the end. Whilst I was overseas I was on forums and met up with other “expats” and some were unhappy to their very core. Their homesickness did not come and go, it did not pass, it was there always. They felt like they were trapped somewhere they were not supposed to be. So knowing this, I also have some empathy for your friend.

CC2021 · 03/01/2021 12:24

I think YABVU to judge him. Homesickness can be awful and a 3 hour flight is really not that far away. It's not like he's moving to Australia or the west coast of America.

Rewis · 03/01/2021 12:25

I doubt he is considering moving just because he is feeling homesick for not being able to get a croissant whenever he wants to. Homesickness can be debilitating causing depression, anxiety etc. If this is the case it can really affect the child if he stays.

Cecily42 · 03/01/2021 12:30

Second that homesickness is not just about seeing your parents rather than your children. I think homesickness I really difficult to describe to people who haven’t experienced proper life long homesickness.

Original poster
SaucyHorse · 03/01/2021 12:31

I also have empathy for him! People should think long and hard before getting into international relationships, reproducing outside their home country and putting down these semi-permanent roots. Of course people don't have crystal balls, though. It's a horrible situation to be in and I feel for him, I just don't believe that moving away from a young child can be a good solution.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 03/01/2021 12:35

Three hours isn’t that far, parents can be much further than that in the same country.

My partner went to boarding school in the UK, his parents live in another country, he saw his parents more than a lot of fellow pupils who did have parents who lived in the UK.

My family moved to the UK when I was eight, my mother absolutely hated living here, and I do think her severe homesickness contributed to her being abusive.

A friend is an EU citizen, when he and his wife split up she took their daughter back to the EU country they were originally from. His daughter spends all school holidays in the UK and he goes to visit her several times a year.

We often see threads on MN where people who are homesick are urged to move back to their local town/city. Homesickness can be very debilitating.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/01/2021 12:36

YANBU. I would absolutely judge someone for it. Unfair on the child and the resident parent having to do all the work.

When you have a child you put the child first. Tough shit.

HibernatingTill2030 · 03/01/2021 12:39

It's nothing like moving 3 hours away in the same country, or even on the same land mass- eg continental Europe.

To get to their child even reasonably quickly from another country to here, they need to make arrangements- arrange flights and legalities, make sure their passport is valid at all times, have somewhere to stay etc. Get through customs and immigration. To take the child back to their home if needed means that someone also has to make sure the child has a valid passport etc.
Whereby if they moved even from Scotland to England, they could jump in their car at a moments notice and drive to their child and take them to their home if needed.

bloodyhairy · 03/01/2021 12:44

YANBU. It's pathetic really.

SpiderGwen · 03/01/2021 12:50

I think it depends on how the resident parent feels. I’d the RP is happy to take on permanent full time raising the child with no help from the ex (other than financial) fair enough.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 03/01/2021 12:56

Could it also, possibly, maybe, depend on how the child feels? No? Yeah as long as the adults are happy, it’s fine.

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 12:56

Well I imagine you don’t know what feeling homesick means. Or that you look very well integrated in one country only to feel completely isolated. This can easily trigger depression and the likes too.

I personally feel both. It’s soul crushing.

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 13:01

I also have empathy for him! People should think long and hard before getting into international relationships, reproducing outside their home country and putting down these semi-permanent roots.

Hahaha.... insight is such a nice thing isn’t it?
Because when you were head over heel about your partner and wanting to have a family together, you also obviously planned to get divorced, see how you could go back home etc... Even if that was going to be in 20 years time.... Hmm

Come on. You know very well that how you feel in a country changes. As an eu citizen I felt welcome in the uk when I came 20 years ago. I created a home and this was my country as much as my original country was. That changed with brexit and now the uk isn’t home anymore. It’s where I live (because I don’t have another choice). But if I could, yay, I would leave like a shot because this doesn’t feel like the country I settled in.

zafferana · 03/01/2021 13:14

Yes, it's a shitty thing to even be contemplating, but it doesn't really surprise me. So many men walk out on their families and don't have any meaningful input into raising their DC. They put their own selfish wants ahead of their responsibilities as a parent, whether that's moving to another part of the country, working far from home when they don't actually have to, or choosing to see their DC EOW and being skinflints. My own dad was up the road, but I never saw him unless it was 'his weekend' and he quibbled with my DM over money if she needed to buy us new shoes, school uniform or a fucking coat. There are myriad ways that DFs are shitty parents who put themselves first.

YoniAndGuy · 03/01/2021 13:23

Men don't feel the same about their children.

It's as simple as that.

The world is in the mess it is because males will trample on anything to put themselves first.

Original poster
SaucyHorse · 03/01/2021 13:24

TonMoulin I notice you cut off the second part of what I said there. It's a shitty situation for sure. I'm sorry you are feeling this way too.

OP posts:
ZoeTurtle · 03/01/2021 13:28

YANBU and the pathetic excuses are just that.

Taking a three hour flight is VERY different to travelling three hours in the same country.

TonMoulin · 03/01/2021 13:31

@ZoeTurtle

YANBU and the pathetic excuses are just that.

Taking a three hour flight is VERY different to travelling three hours in the same country.

In which way is it different?
SonEtLumiere · 03/01/2021 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/01/2021 13:37

I don't judge anyone for feeling homesick. I judge them for deciding they can just opt out of parenting because of it. Moving to another country is opting out of parenting.

HibernatingTill2030 · 03/01/2021 13:44

TonMoulin I posted upthread. If, for instance, I lived in the UK (and was a citizen) and my child lived in the Spain (and didn't have British citizenship, for arguments sake):

If, for example, resident parent was taken ill, I would need to arrange a flight probably for another day. (at the moment, I don't think I could enter Spain, but pretending covid doesn't exist). For that, I would need to ensure my passport was up to date at all times. But I fly to Spain to my child, enter the country after, at best, 24 hours. I have 90 days to stay in Spain in a six month period (I think). So if I had already been on holiday several times to the EU this year, I would have to calculate how long I could legally stay in Spain and hope I don't need to sort out a visa before I can get there. Or my child can come to me, and be away from their ill parent.

If I lived in Glasgow and my child in London, I could just get in a car or train or whatever, and be there quite quickly without needing to consider visas, passports, 90-day periods, flights etc.