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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think homesickness is no excuse for moving to a different country away from your child?

163 replies

SaucyHorse · 02/01/2021 22:02

Excluding very temporary arrangements, which I understand could be the right choice even if difficult, I can't understand how anyone could do it. And I don't mean moving between neighbouring countries with land borders so that it might not actually be that far.

My friend and I are both immigrants. We both have children with natives of the country we moved to. My friend left the mother of his child a few months after he was born, but so far has been co-parenting his son quite well with his ex. The boy is now 10 and my friend is making noises about moving back to his home country (3 hour flight away) because he's just so homesick and he can't bear it any more. He is a citizen here, speaks the language, has a good job and a wife who is also a native of this country, so he's well 'integrated' if you want to call it that. His ex is obviously going to be staying here with his son no matter what he decides.

I just couldn't imagine even considering moving away from my children. DH and I are still together so it's different, but when I chose to have children in this country with a native of this country I knew that I could never move away unless we all went together. I committed to that and if we ever did split, I'd be staying here no matter what because I couldn't live in a different country to my children, at least before they reach adulthood. And my friend's son was planned but even if he wasn't, when you're a parent you have responsibilities.

I said to him something along the lines of yes, that must be difficult, but there's not really anything you can do about it because of your son, but he just sort of uhmed and ahed about it.

Am I being unreasonably judgmental to think that a parent shouldn't even have this option on the table, or at least not for something like homesickness? In my experience as an immigrant, homesickness can come in waves occasionally, but it passes, and it's usually a case of rose-tinted spectacles anyway. I can understand wanting to be closer to parents, siblings etc. but not at the expense of being so much further from your actual child.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 02/01/2021 22:06

I think you just can't know enough about someone else's life to judge.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:08

Yeah I think it’s pretty shitty. But unsurprising. Just another man able to find another flimsy reason to walk away from his child. Nothing new to see here.

sonjadog · 02/01/2021 22:09

Has he actually planned to move or is he just talking about it? If he is just talking, it might not be a definite plan, or it might not be a plan that happens until his son is grown up.

Imquitepathetic · 02/01/2021 22:14

YANBU.
I'm an immigrant from country A married to some who's an immigrant from country B and we live in country C if it makes sense.
I am suffering from an identity crisis, I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm probably stuck here but never ever in my life, I will move away from my growing children, ever. When they are adults, maybe. Because they can as well decide to move somewhere else themselves, but that's another story.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/01/2021 22:15

To be fair, ten years old is old enough to fly unaccompanied to the other country to visit for summers and holidays. And 3hrs isn’t that far. It’s not the other side of the world.
Many children that age get sent off to boarding schools in other countries. So I would not judge. I think homesickness can be harder on some and easier on others. People can integrate and try their hardest to be happy, but may simply be miserable in a different country and culture. They shouldn’t be judged for that.

Original poster
SaucyHorse · 02/01/2021 22:16

He's just saying he can't bear it much longer and he's seriously thinking about it - to be fair to him he hasn't done anything concrete so hopefully he won't actually go through with it and is just venting, but I have known cases of parents actually doing this (e.g. my friend's ex who moved away from their 1 year old son a couple of years ago and he's only seen him a few times a year since then!).

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 02/01/2021 22:17

I think it's pretty poor to be honest. But since so many men don't see their kids after they split with the mother while living in the same country, I can't say I'm surprised!!

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:18

ten years old is old enough to fly unaccompanied to the other country to visit for summers and holidays.

Yes because that’s the same as being raised by your parent Hmm

Do people really think abandoning your child is fine as long as the journey to visit you twice a year isn’t “too” long?

5zeds · 02/01/2021 22:21

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?

MuseumGardens · 02/01/2021 22:26

Yanbu. I have a feeling a mother would be judged much more harshly for doing this than a dad though.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:28

@5zeds

How is it different than moving three hours away within the country?
It isn’t much different.
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/01/2021 22:30

@YouBoughtMeAWall

ten years old is old enough to fly unaccompanied to the other country to visit for summers and holidays.

Yes because that’s the same as being raised by your parent Hmm

Do people really think abandoning your child is fine as long as the journey to visit you twice a year isn’t “too” long?

Well the situation is one where the parents have split and the child has been living with the mother since they were a few months old. So what is so bad about dad being 3hrs away? That’s not that far based on my experience.

I have friends whose parents lived on opposite ends of a continent so it was an 8hr flight away. They split time between them and were fine.

A school friend of mine was from Brazil and flew the 21hrs home every term break and holiday.

My own father was flown here from China for boarding school from age 7 to 17 when he graduated and went to university. He was fine.

Some families make this work. It’s really very provincial mindset to think you cannot move only a few hours travel away.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:35

Fine. Fine. I see lots of fine in your post. Yes. I’m sure it was fine in that none of them died on their journeys.

But did they love it? I’ll bet not. I’d bet they’d all have preferred not to have to travel half way around the world to see their parent(s)

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:36

Provincial. Lol.

Namechangebuttercup · 02/01/2021 22:38

It's not 3 hours away unless the kids lives in the departure lounge and his father would move to the departure lounge at the other end.

Yes OP it would be a shitty thing for him to do.

I'm like a previous poster of nationality A married to nationality B living in country C. We're divorcing and I am stuck here. Making the most of it despite never truly being able to fit in or work at the level I could if I were in an English speaking country. But I'd NEVER leave my kids. And I'd never move them away from their father. It's sucks but unless a parent is abusive, children need both equally.

Fandaddydoozie · 02/01/2021 22:46

I know of a lady who has a young son recovering from Cancer and who decided to move to the UK from South Africa. She's not seen him for over a year due to Covid. Her parents are both English, but she was born in SA. I just simply cannot imagine it. It just makes no sense to me.

Cecily42 · 02/01/2021 22:50

Do you think current Covid situation has had an impact on how he is feeling? I am also an immigrant usually two hours flight away. My agreement with DH when we had children was that we lived in the U.K. but I could go home as often as I needed which for me meant about once a month to see family and friends. This year I have not been able to go home and I feel desperate. To be brutally honest so desperate that I have contemplated leaving both DH and my children as I just don’t like living in the U.K. much and it has only worked because I could travel home all the time. My children are a bit older and I know they would be ok and well looked after by DH. Even DH is telling me to go now as I am just crumbling.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/01/2021 22:56

@YouBoughtMeAWall

Fine. Fine. I see lots of fine in your post. Yes. I’m sure it was fine in that none of them died on their journeys.

But did they love it? I’ll bet not. I’d bet they’d all have preferred not to have to travel half way around the world to see their parent(s)

You’d be wrong on your bet you know. You just don’t understand. By your measure every child in Harry Potter must be miserable because they take a 9hr train ride away from Kings Cross plus commute time to their parents home(s).
Ten year olds and up are more adventurous than you give them credit for.
YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 22:57

Harry Potter the fictional wizard boy? And his fictional wizardy chums? You’ve had wine tonight, haven’t you?

Yolanda524 · 02/01/2021 23:01

I’m an immigrant and stuck here in U.K. because of children. You are lucky homesickness come and goes my homesickness is there every single day. I long for my home country so much and hate living here. I often have thoughts of leaving everything here behind but I don’t out of love for my children but I’m utterly miserable here.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 02/01/2021 23:11

Some parents just simply do not care enough about their kids.

JingsMahBucket · 02/01/2021 23:14

Some posters are horribly underestimating homesickness and how much it can mentally affect you. Sometimes you just don’t fit into that country, city, town, community, etc and you would genuinely be better off in another place. Whether that’s due to cultural fit, work opportunities, finances, health, healthcare, weather, hobbies, etc. Quality of life is a huge factor for happiness.

Yes, you may have children, but adults need to be happy too in order to parent effectively. It’s better to have two happy parents than one or two depressed parents because they hate where they live.

GlowingOrb · 02/01/2021 23:18

I have trouble understanding how a parent can move to a different city from their child, so a different country seems insane.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 23:18

It’s better to have two happy parents than one or two depressed parents because they hate where they live.

But you don’t have two happy parents if one moves a 3 hour flight away. You have one parent doing 100% of the donkey work and one person you visit occasionally. Like a fun exotic uncle.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 23:19

A happy uncle, admittedly because he has no children to look after 24/7.