Right. Poll. Would you be offended if you DH/P said this to you....

[Covidy]

Imagine you go downstairs for the night dressed in a short nightie. Not Ann Summers lace and crotchless type thing but something like this.

And your DH/P looks at you up and down and says....'don't you think you should get dressed, you're going to get cold'...The first time you say, no i'm fine thanks i'm not cold. 30 mins later he says 'I really think you should get changed, it's quite chilly'.

So are you offended that he's effectively asking you to cover up? Or is he being lovely and caring?

I wouldn't be offended but I wouldnt wear that its freezing I've got fluffy pjs. If my partner was in something like that I'd prob suggest he cover up as he would get cold.

If I wore that he would assume I was initiating sex

@mathanxiety or just maybe HE DIDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX ???

How in the world is your comment helpful?

Op has already stated he treated her lovely during the evening by cooking dinner "expensive wine" and running a bath for her. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood ?

From someone who has been there - go to counselling and get this sorted now. You're starting to not communicate, to resent, feel pressured, be oblique (worried you'll get cold cold ffs). Sort it now or it might end horribly or just be miserable.
Whilst you still want to make fires, run baths for each other.
Too late for me so please listen.

I'd be offended but only because my DH would take notice/take the hint! Or, if I wasn't hinting for sex, tell me I was beautiful/sexy or compliment the nightie.

mathanxiety sounds like you are projecting some of your own issues here? How did you decide this man must be a narcissist?
It seems like the dh knew exactly what op was doing, he didn't feel up to it and tried to change the conversation. Entirely his right if he doesn't want to have sex!

I think he just didn't get the hint. I wouldn't assume he was being unkind. Maybe next time spell it out to him a bit more?

I get it op, i got a similar response the other night!
I'm not the type to keep quiet so we spoke, turns out he's scared of hurting the baby (I'm pregnant and had some spotting).
Anyway, we left it for the night but spoke about sex in the very near future!

Have you spoken to him op?

In my experience it, not really about what you ware it,s more about ones behaviour. And both wanting it.

So why didnt you ask him to warm you up? Surely that would have got a response!

mathanxiety sounds like you are projecting some of your own issues here? How did you decide this man must be a narcissist?

I didn't decide this man was a narcissist. I responded to a comment on the withholding of sex where a poster correctly asserted that everyone has the right to refuse sex.

In my comment I outlined that there are relationship dynamics where a narcissist will refuse sex frequently as a means of maintaining power, inflicting hurt, and eroding the self esteem of their partner. It is done deliberately.

It was a general comment on sexually abusive relationships - they don't always involve pestering for sex, or rape, or forced participation in porn watching or roleplay, etc.

However, the possibility that there is a pattern of deliberate sexual rejection is hinted at by the OP, and imo it is worth considering here. I would be interested to know if any conversation on the 'mismatched sex drives' has taken place and if any satisfactory conclusion has ever been reached.

@Zoinksalot
Op has already stated he treated her lovely during the evening by cooking dinner "expensive wine" and running a bath for her. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood ?

The OP has also said that she has come to the point where asking for sex feels humiliating. There is therefore a pattern of rejection here and/or a pattern of the H not initiating - it is perhaps a case of the OP being forced to participate in a sexless relationship without any discussion of whether that is what she wants. This wasn't a once off 'not in the mood' thing.

I have a good few questions in my head about the hot bath, the lovely dinner, and the wine, in the context of hinting the last few days he might want sex. It's all very nice on the surface - the OP is even concerned that her complaints make her seem like a 'cowbag' - but in the context of a relationship where the man may be aware that his wife wants more sex than they are having, what was all of that meant to signify to her?

Math to be fair, he may do that (hinting) to placate her. When you're the person who is 'off' sex and you know your partner is sick of it, it's easy to slip into trying to please them and trying to make yourself get into the mood by acting like you are.

He COULD be a narcissist or he could just be off sex...or someone who has never really liked it. He could be playing mind games or he could just be trying to save his relationship in a cack handed fashion.

Perhaps OP is a bit of sex pest

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

My arse would be half hanging out of that. I’d catch my death if my bosom wasn’t keeping my knees warm. Any comment to cover up would possibly be for health/dignity reasons.

However if you have a harris that looks like two tennis balls and are fairly covered, then I would say he isn’t in the humour.

FortunesFave, hinting that you might like sex and then telling your scantily clad wife to wrap herself up because it's chilly, after running her a bath and cooking her a dinner, with wine, isn't something you would do to placate a partner. I think it was designed to be an exercise in frustrating her.

No matter what is going on, the H and the OP need to sit down and be truthful with each other. Nobody should have to live in a sexless marriage unless that is what they have signed up for or what both parties decide they want after discussion and consideration.

Oh OP I have been there. A very similar situation years ago, for the exact same issues. The mismatched sex drives has killed our marriage slowly over the years. YANBU. You show love in different ways (read 5 love languages, very insightful), but if he isn't desiring you, no amount of acts of service (running bath, cooking) will ever cut it for you

Of course he does not have to have sex with you, but he should be kind when he turns you down.

I would also be offended OP, not because it didn't immediately lead to sex, but because you had made an effort and it wasn't acknowledged. He could have said many things to make you feel good without having to progress to having sex if he didn't want to. The repeat after 30 minutes would make me . The first time, he could have genuinely just blurted it out without thinking, but he has had 30 minutes-let's assume that by this point he has realised you might be wearing it for his benefit- I would find the "cover up" repeat very cold and insensitive (also, why do you need to be told twice to cover up in your own home?!). Its perfectly OK for him to not want sex, its also OK for him not to interpret a more subtle attempt at initiating sex-but the point is he did notice you were wearing something different and chose not to say something nice, but was quite dismissive.

For context, What were you both doing in those 30 minutes? If you were sat relaxing, maybe with a glass of wine, what I said above-if you were out shovelling snow or chopping fire wood he has a point!

You mentioned mismatched sex drives, has this been an issue for a while?