Right. Poll. Would you be offended if you DH/P said this to you....

[Covidy]

Imagine you go downstairs for the night dressed in a short nightie. Not Ann Summers lace and crotchless type thing but something like this.

And your DH/P looks at you up and down and says....'don't you think you should get dressed, you're going to get cold'...The first time you say, no i'm fine thanks i'm not cold. 30 mins later he says 'I really think you should get changed, it's quite chilly'.

So are you offended that he's effectively asking you to cover up? Or is he being lovely and caring?

I wouldn't be offended but I would get the message that they didn't want sex. I'm fine with being turned down of course, but I do get embarrassed if I'm sitting there all dressed up. This happened so many times to me, I've thrown out all my nice lingerie. Now I just say wear normal clothes and say "would you like to have sex?". For some reason hearing "no thanks" in that situation isn't embarrassing.

@FlyNow Call me old fashioned but if my partner or anyone else walked up to me and said "do you want to have sex" point blank, I would be disinclined to do so. That's a total turn off.

I dont get the comments from people saying YABU because they hang around in blankets and dressing gowns and slippers or whatever. Okay.... There's room for that, but theres also room for trying what the OP has done and it doesnt make her weird or whatever. That might be your own insecurity and having given up to the point your partner no longer sees you in anything but a onesie or your grandads longjohns.

OP I think where it missed the mark is that it was both too obvious and not obvious enough. Some black silk pyjamas would have been more subtle but still sexy, OR maybe you should have gone the full unsubtle hog and gone down there in basically lingerie

But you also say that just before, he had cooked you an amazing dinner with a nice bottle of red. Next time if you want to do something like this maybe it would be good to have some lingerie on underneath, get the fire going before you eat, and then manoeuvre something more natural aka eating together then kissing that builds up and then you undress to reveal what you have on underneath.

I think as it was your transformation felt too sudden. Still though I voted YANBU. This would hurt me and I would find his lack of sensitivity a mood killer. I wouldn't wear that nightie but if I did would expect DH to understand what I was doing, as any vaguely intelligent person would.

He was probably confused as to why you went upstairs and then appeared in the doorway wearing it but without saying or doing anything to indicate you wanted sex. Maybe he thought you were going to go and watch TV in it.

In fairness to your dh, it's freezing out 🥶

Was it because he felt at bit awkward with his parents being there in the living room?

And sometimes math, people simply do not want sex.

I'd feel very rejected. He should have acknowledged that you look sexy, but that he wasn't up for it. Is he starting to suggest that you are over demanding/silly, rather than be honest that it's his problem? It's quite belittling to completely ignore what you were trying to do.

I'm having some issues because of being post menopausal, I make sure that my boyfriend doesn't feel rejected and that he knows it's me, not him.

Every woman that I've known who has been with a man who's had a low sex drive and isn't honest about it/doesn't show affection/appreciation in other ways, has ended up with low confidence. Just keep an eye on things so you aren't feeling continually put down.

He is either being a bit thick or doesn't see you as a sexual being. The first time he said it I'd have stripped off but then I can be petty. I've had my cardigan wrapped around me when I was trying to be a bit boho. Some blokes dont get it!

I'd expect him to realise I'm not dressed up for warmth and comfort.

Ffs try harder. Nipple tassels and crotch-less panties surely.

Im with @PinkGinny. Prob add in making sure you are fully shaved and if he didn't stir I would question what it would be like in a few years 😂😂

Should have just asked him if he wanted to join you upstairs

Being rejected is hard, but this is a bit cringe.

Don't think my husband would have got that that was an invitation to sex either. And tbh if he had walked down in his boxers neither would I. There are all sorts of ways of initiating sex- perhaps there is something that works better with him? As others have said, gradual build up, kissing.

Also- just like a woman, he is within his rights not to fancy sex at any given time. Would a man whose wife hadn't responded to a specific signal on one single occasion be told that "she just doesn't see you as a sexual being"?

I like how when woman refuses sex it's ok and her right, but men gets accused of being narcissistic abuser because he didn't jump on his wife sitting there in a nightie.🙄

OP after your last update I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him about your mismatched sex drives.

He sounds like he loves and cares for you still and actively shows that (cooking you a nice dinner, bath, wine etc); but you need to be honest with him that his lack of sex drive is causing you to resent him (you talk about him here as though you hate him).

Has he always been like this or is the lack of sex drive a new-ish development? It may be he’s struggling with erectile dysfunction or a low level of testosterone?

What was you doing in the 30 minutes between the 2 times he said about you being cold?
We’re you trying to seduce him or were you just sat there?

Personally I’d be offended. !
But that’s because I know my DH and he wud be all over me if I came downstairs in that sexy number 😂😂😂😂
He wud never tell me to wear pjs because they are not sexy !

Nightie? I'd wear that out.

l'd just spent the last hour building a lovely big fire at his request because he 'doesn't know how to do it.

Why did you marry him? LTB. Lack of fire lighting skills is a huge red flag for me. Mind you, it sounds like you need some practice too!

Actually that is the sort of thing he would say, knowing how cold I am normally (thermal vests and socks in bed).
However, it is not the sort of thing I would do anyway.
When we first met I sounded him out about "sexy" underwear etc. and he replied that it would be a waste of money as he would only take it off (me).

If I came downstairs in that dh would think all his Christmas had come at once. As usually I'm in fleecy PJ. Did you not say to him or make advances about sex?

Just read updates. If you wanted sex why on earth not just say

Hankuna are you sure you read the updates? OP clearly says

Oh the mismatch in sex drives is old news. I refuse to explicitly ask for sex anymore and leave it to him to initiate when he’s in the mood.

Bleurgh, sorry, i find the whole dressing to hint for sex tho g massively unappealing and I think he was saying thanks but no thanks. He doesnt owe you a boner because you put on something the shops have sold as 'sexy'. I'd be massively turned off. Maybe it was for him too. How about just initiating as usual? Some suggestive comments in the day, a playful touch, a long kiss. Or just a plain statement of "you, me, bedroom, sex". Just please not the "sexy lingerie"

Yes I would be offended. Not to make things worse but if I came down in this OH would be all over me like a rash. I'm sorry, OP.