Right. Poll. Would you be offended if you DH/P said this to you....

[Covidy]

Imagine you go downstairs for the night dressed in a short nightie. Not Ann Summers lace and crotchless type thing but something like this.

And your DH/P looks at you up and down and says....'don't you think you should get dressed, you're going to get cold'...The first time you say, no i'm fine thanks i'm not cold. 30 mins later he says 'I really think you should get changed, it's quite chilly'.

So are you offended that he's effectively asking you to cover up? Or is he being lovely and caring?

Maybe he didn't feel up for it but didn't feel like he could explicitly say that.

Is this the kind of thing he would expect from you? Was there any lead up throughout the day / evening or did you just randomly pop up with it? Because if I turned around from e.g. loading the dishwasher and my partner was standing in his underwear having not hinted at anything previously I'd wonder what on earth he was doing.

Either way I think you need better communication around sex. It's perfectly fine and normal to let your partner know you'd like to have sex and it's not begging.

How come it took an hour to build the fire?

I would be a little let down if I had the purpose in mind but I wouldn't dwell on it too much.
My partner had a discussion saying our sex life was getting very 'samesy'
So a few days later I sent him a photo (not naked but tasteful😂" and his response was.." What did you send that for?! "
And then ignored it. I think it's a man thing haha

My dh would be very bemused if I went downstairs for any length of time wearing something like that. Our house is cold, and I am never, ever seen in anything less than a warm hoody, jeans and slipper boots, often with a dressing gown or blanket as well. So, I wouldn't be offended if he told me to cover up, because I would genuinely be freezing!!!

I assume your house is warmer than mine though. Were you planning something romantic/intimate and are offended that he didn't take the hint?

@Cam77

Imagine Mr.Bloke randomly wondering downstairs in his boxers “hoping for sex” and then getting offended when Mrs.Bloke tells him to put on a jumper .... presumably as opposed to immediately dropping everything and getting naked.

A good point, well made.

If you wanted sex, you needed to say "I want sex; that is why I am wearing next to nothing on a freezing day." He would then have been able to understand.

As it was, he was concerned about your welfare; o r maybe about the heating bill.

Agree with others that you need to be better at communicating with your husband. Awkwardly hanging around for half an hour while wearing a skimpy nightie is a bit weird to be honest. If you wanted to seduce him, then seduce him. Don’t go half way then get the hump when he doesn’t read your mind.

Also - yes about it being ok for men to not want sex.

If I was just wearing that nighty for myself because it's comfortable and the sort of think I want to wear, and the room was warm then yes I'd be offended and tell him to mind his own.

But with your updates. Because you wore it specifically because you wanted him to have sex with you I don't think offended is the right word. The man is allowed to not be in the mood. But I would feel a bit upset and embarrassed I'd tried to get him in the mood and been rebuffed. Wouldn't bother trying that again...

Umm, did you want to have sex? If I'm honest I would wear a bit more than that downstairs right now, so he could have thought you were cold yes.

My Dh would take one look at that and take it as an excuse to turn the thermostat down 3 degrees so count yourself lucky.

Seriously though, just coming down in skimpy clothes and expecting your partner to drop everything and jump on you - not sexy!

Hi Op
I just assumed we have got stuck into a habit,a rut.!!
And he was just concerned wondering winter time when in hibernation snuggle mode of year
Why you wondering around like that..and not in something warmer tbh.!!

Just assumed he is either busy reading or doing something?

I would assume that he didn't want sex, and this was his way of telling you he didn't want sex while trying not to hurt your feelings

Do you often wear things like that? Is it possible your partner was surprised and didn't know what to say?
The first time I did it, my partner laughed through awkwardness and we joke about his reaction now.
Men don't always show how they feel and also I've found they seem to expect us to explicitly express that we want sex as they don't get the little hints!
I would be offended but would also talk to my partner about it after a few days and explain what it meant as I'm sure he didn't mean to offend you x

Mine would assume I was after something.
The only time he wouldn't nap..

Yeah I get it. You made an effort and wanted to spice it up and he didn't even react.

Depends on the relationship dynamic but 13 years in my DH would react to that. I showed him the pic and he suggested I 'try it just to make sure'.

I'd think he had a point. That's just underwear.

I would think it weird that anyone wears anything like that in January. I don't think he's either/or of your questions.

Maybe you need to be more forthright about sex OP? Maybe he doesn't like the hinting?

Being open isn't begging. Do you not get enough sex? Is he not into it much?

I am so glad both of us here are adults who can initiate sex rather than just walk around in underwear and then be offended.

Tips for next time since you don't want to "explicitly" ask for sex.
".'don't you think you should get dressed, you're going to get cold'."
"Not if you help me keep warm" wink

"Hey, what do you think about this nightie? Better on or off?"

Actually sit on his lap.

Sit infront of him and do that leg switch from that movie.

Millions of options rather than just sit there and hope he will do something.

Maybe he reads MN and didn't wnat to end up as a sex pest here because his wife came in a nightie, he misunderstood thinking it's an invitation and now it's shower of LTBs.😂

Well I hope you didn't get too close to the fire in that nightie, you'd have gone up like a firework.

Oh the mismatch in sex drives is old news. I refuse to explicitly ask for sex anymore and leave it to him to initiate when he’s in the mood. He had been hinting the last few days he might want sex so I was hoping it would tip him over the edge.

It took an hour to build the fire because I had to go and buy more coal, then split some logs, then build the bloody thing and get it going because if i leave it with him and it isn’t established he lets it go out. Although he did keep it going last night when I was getting changed so brownie points for that one.

And not to be mean about him, he’d cooked me a gorgeous dinner and provided an expensive bottle of red which was gorgeous. And ran me a bath. So now I sound like a cowbag

If I came downstairs in that my DP would drop everything and invite me to get snuggled up with him under a blanket for a quickie. If by some miracle he wasn’t in the mood, he’d say “ooh someone’s looking for some action!” in a jokey way and then possibly something along the lines of “wish I had the energy to do something about it” to let me know he’d noticed my effort but wasn’t up for it. If he told me to put some clothes on I’d be very offended tbh. There’s nicer ways to let you down when you make a move.

Have a read about the Gottman Institute and making bids. You made a bid for attention and he rejected it. He could have turned towards enthusiastically, by taking you there and then, or more neutrally by telling you you looked gorgeous, but he’s not in the mood for sex. Or he can turn away neutrally by not acknowledging your outfit, or more negatively say something to make you feel silly, which he did. If my DP takes his top off I give him a wolf whistle or blow him a kiss etc - if he took his trousers off too and presented himself in just his pants I might suggest he puts some trousers on so he doesn’t scare the children (not his!) but I would leave him in no doubt that I fancy him at all times.

My DH would be very surprised but I’m always cold. He would assume that I have fever as in Covid.

I'd say he wasn't up for sex and wd cover up.
If he came down in skimpy pants and I wasn't in the mood but he continued to walk around flexing his abs and bending down to tend the fire revealing lovely legs - after a while I'd start to feel uncomfortable - almost like I was being pressured.

If my DP act like yours I wouldn't be offended - just cover up and cosy up and wait for the next time.