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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DH

120 replies

Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 09:24

He isn’t a bad person and will do anything for me and spoils me but he just isn’t the person I fell in love with and I feel myself shudder when he touches me. He has put on 25kg in 2 years, insists on having his kids here 50/50 but when they are does nothing with them ever and makes excuses to pop out for hours leaving them with me- doesn’t contribute towards the additional food etc I am expected to cover it all.
Is lazy and spends hours playing either computer games or games with my kids on devices then do 10 mins of cleaning and say he has helped.
But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then

OP posts:
Bekilted · 01/01/2021 09:27

He obviously will not do anything for you if that's how you're treated. Life is too short to spend it in a miserable situation that could be fixed.

BoyTree · 01/01/2021 09:27

I'm assuming you have addressed these issues with him and that change isn't forthcoming? In which case, it sounds like you would be much happier without him.

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 09:28

What happens in nine months? How can you afford it then? Sounds like you’re kicking the can down the road till then. Which often means kicking it down the road for ever...

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 09:43

I have addressed the issues over and over and am bored of doing it now- he get upset cry’s for a bit and within a week goes back to the same. Just asked me why his kids washing wasn’t done, I work full time he is self employed so has been off so Eve 22nd and I done the washing of my 3 kids, him and me between work and he has literally done nothing!
I have been paying off my debts and will have enough paid in 6 months- 9 Max that I can afford to take the house and bills myself. Even if we moved to a smaller cheaper house after I know I could afford where we are with him not here at that point. No drama from his horrible ex and not man child

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 01/01/2021 09:49

I don’t understand why you are looking after his kids when he goes out - like how does it happen, he just leaves?

Foghead · 01/01/2021 09:52

What was your answer to why the kids washing wasn’t done?
Definitely leave if you’re unhappy and tell him this is what you want.
But while you’re there, see if you can set some ground rules like he needs to do washing for his kids, buy the food and take them out.
Don’t only talk about issues, lay out your specific expectations and don’t do anything to cover his failures if they aren’t done.

HugeAckmansWife · 01/01/2021 09:52

Of course not unreasonable. Are your kids not his? If so, absolutely get yourself ready for this. It sounds like he found in you a replacement for the ex in terms of childcare and housework. Maybe there's a reason she's horrible?

44PumpLane · 01/01/2021 09:56

You're not at all unreasonable! He sounds awful... I imagine he is "for show" a lot... So he wants his kids 50/50 "for show" but doesn't actually want to engage with them, or do any of the household chores associated with additional people in the home (cooking, cleaning, washing etc)

Molly333 · 01/01/2021 09:58

It's interesting how many of my friends who in recent years are divorcing lazy men . One who's husband never really held down a job so she ended up working more and more , he felt he should have an easier life yet hers got worse and she did everything else too . My ex didbt want to do anything as it may create stress/work that included DIY and holidays. I'm now divorced and after many years alone am with my partner who is an absolute ' yes lets do this '. It's a refreshing change where my life is exciting as oppose to one where i felt I was living my life dieing.. I would suggest you have a good think about how you want your life to look and aim towards achieving that, you are not his housekeeper .

AintPageantMaterial · 01/01/2021 10:04

You have 3 children to think about so you are definitely not being unreasonable. They don’t deserve to live in this situation and, if you take some time to prepare financially, that’s just good for you and good for them.
You have tried to address the issues with your DH but you cannot single-handedly fix this relationship and it can’t be unreasonable for you to stop trying.
Perhaps you might find the next 9 months easier to bear if you know that you have a plan?

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 10:05

We don’t have any children together so I have mine and he has his. I feel he wants to show the world he has then 50% but then does nothing when they are here and makes comments when mine are here without his like if I do baking or painting with mine I could of waited to do it with his also- you are more than capable of doing this with your kids and I do this because I want time with mine.
My children are a lot easier and better behaved than his and he prefers spending time with them, he has never said this but will spend hours doing things with my mine, taking them for walks to hunt Pokemon but then never when his are here.
I have told him if you have your kids here half the time you need to do the work around the house that comes with having them, I am not a stay at home mum I work full time in a profession role and work hard and am not everyone’s house slave.

OP posts:
MzHz · 01/01/2021 10:11

Wow! go girl! Absolutely get shot of him!

Just imagine how much better life will be for you and your dc when you’re free of him.

Tell him to buy the stuff for the kids because you’ve got debts and he’s contributing to them by failing to step up.

Then hopefully you can get out even sooner

IdblowJonSnow · 01/01/2021 10:13

Yanbu OP. Surely you don't need to ask? Can you wait for months though? I suspect if you tell him you've had enough and really mean it, he'll pull out all the stops.
Stop doing his washing. Get a separate basket if you need to.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2021 10:16

When he pops out when his children are there tell him to pick up xyz for tea

Chimeraforce · 01/01/2021 10:17

He sounds rubbish. Alot of nrp also want 50 50 so they don't have to pay maintenance. Often means they drag some other poor sucker to do their job when it's their turn. 🙄 Unfortunately, this is you atm.

Blacktothepink · 01/01/2021 10:17

Yanbu!

AlwaysCheddar · 01/01/2021 10:18

Start going out when his kids come. Make him pay for the extra food. And definitely leave!

ProfessorInkling · 01/01/2021 10:19

9 months is a long time to live with someone that you can’t stand.

Backbee · 01/01/2021 10:20

Yes, get out of there.

madcatladyforever · 01/01/2021 10:26

yes leave as soon as you can but until then refuse to look after his kids - if he disappears ring the ex wife to pick them up, refuse to do any of their washing, refuse to cover the cost of their food.
Tell him straight you will be doing all of the above.
He sounds like a grade A arsehole. I could not wait for 9 months. He throws you a few crumbs to keep you quiet and then expects you to do it all.

An0n0n0n · 01/01/2021 10:27

I had a friend who was with a lazy bloke and one day she thought nope, fuck that I'm worth more. It was awfully hard kicking him pit with three young children but it was easier without him there because all he did was add to the load. 20 years later she has happy children who till see their dad but also see him for who he is. She's so much happier without him.

If he won't change then by all.meams set yourself and children up as well as possible to leave

SilverRoe · 01/01/2021 10:30

He does sound utterly lazy and it’s horrible he’ll spend time with your children because it’s easier than with his own kids. Maybe if he put the effort in with his children they’d be easier to manage, has he ever thought about that?

LannieDuck · 01/01/2021 10:44

Is it your house? Just wondering why you don't split the food costs equally?

I would make a NY resolution - to split the housework evenly with him. You both work FT, so he does 50% of the housework. Great day to broach that conversation with him :)

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 10:45

will do anything for me

Why do you think this, given all the things he manifestly does not do for you?

binkyblinky · 01/01/2021 11:20

It sounds like my ex!

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