Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DH

120 replies

Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 09:24

He isn’t a bad person and will do anything for me and spoils me but he just isn’t the person I fell in love with and I feel myself shudder when he touches me. He has put on 25kg in 2 years, insists on having his kids here 50/50 but when they are does nothing with them ever and makes excuses to pop out for hours leaving them with me- doesn’t contribute towards the additional food etc I am expected to cover it all.
Is lazy and spends hours playing either computer games or games with my kids on devices then do 10 mins of cleaning and say he has helped.
But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 11:32

When I say does anything for me I mean will spoil me with stuff, has looked after me following a major operation but I feel he doesn’t actually listen to what I say and says the right things to shut me up but nothing changes.
I have told him the reason for his children behaviour is sometimes him and his ex need to sit down and discuss so work through as he has them 50/50 so is equally responsible. I also don’t think 50/50 works for them as they have no grounding and bounce between rules and changes which doesn’t help.
I am hoping to financially do it in 6 months but 9 is the worst case and I don’t really see anything getting better in that time- he prob won’t even notice between games on his phone or PlayStation

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 01/01/2021 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plussizejumpsuit · 01/01/2021 11:49

Yabu for hating him for gaining weight. Yes find him unattractive but hate for weight gain is a bit much. The other stuff though is perfectly reasonable!

Horsemad · 01/01/2021 11:50

@Sinful8

Leave if you want to leave but

"But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then"

Is pretty cold blooded you're either using him for money or prostituting yourself at that point

Rubbish! It's called 'getting your ducks in a row'.

Pay your debts off as quick as you can and get rid of him.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 01/01/2021 11:54

@Sinful8

Leave if you want to leave but

"But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then"

Is pretty cold blooded you're either using him for money or prostituting yourself at that point

To be fair, he's using her for both childcare and also for money (children's expenses, household) so I don't see it as a zero sum game.

It's always cheaper to live as a couple than as two households, whoever pays.

Going straight to prostitution is overly harsh and I saw from your other posts that you're a bit acerbic this morning - I take it you are not embracing the joys of 2021 yet? Smile

GhostCurry · 01/01/2021 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Quotes a now deleted post

GhostCurry · 01/01/2021 11:55

@SilverRoe

I don’t understand why you are looking after his kids when he goes out - like how does it happen, he just leaves?
Also curious about this
Porcupineintherough · 01/01/2021 11:58

Honestly, I dont think you should wait 6 months. But if you do I would double up on contraception so you dont get pregnant or you'll never be shot of him.

MessAllOver · 01/01/2021 12:09

I'm sorry you have to wait 6-9 months Flowers. He sounds a complete loser. Is there any way of expediting the process?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 12:14

@Sinful8

Leave if you want to leave but

"But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then"

Is pretty cold blooded you're either using him for money or prostituting yourself at that point

Money? She pays for feeding his kids plus other costs of having them there. He's using her as a live-in nanny, housekeeper, ATM and general dogsbody.
Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 12:18

There will definitely not be a pregnancy after my 3rd I had a hysterectomy at delivery due to bleeding and almost dying so that’s not a problem.
6-9 months is the earliest I can do even looking at cheaper houses and if I would get any financial support. I just feel so numb and felt having an end goal would help me and be easier but it’s just making me more cold and disengaged from everything. Even just seems a battle even to my 2 children (3rd is a lot older) doing a weekly hobby they love and I pay for as to why I don’t take his children, we only have them on this day every other week and said they can do it if him and their mother pay for it as it’s not my place to have to pay and facilitate it as when I am working my mother takes mine for me and I would never sign her up to take his too. I have spoken to friends and family and even my parents say it won’t last as he doesn’t get it, I think sometime I hold on to the person he seemed to be when we first met!

OP posts:
Plonque · 01/01/2021 12:18

Sounds to me like he wanted to find himself a new wife live in babysitter and once he found snared one, he realised his life was made and now just throws you the odd occasional treat to stop you from leaving him.

Thehop · 01/01/2021 12:18

Have you checked you’re not entitled to any financial support at all?

I’d want him gone now.

Thewiseoneincognito · 01/01/2021 12:22

OP he sounds like a slob. Get out as soon as ou can.

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 12:26

I completely agree with you Plonque and that’s how it sounds to me too he charmed me to get a replacement housekeeper and once he had me his true self showed through. My priority is making sure I can provide a safe and stable environment for my children which is why I am not rushing as they don’t need to suffer, and they adore him so it will be hard for them as it is.
I feel the prostitution remark is a bit harsh but I asked for opinions so I have to accept them all regardless.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 01/01/2021 12:28

You sound very switched on and together - you’ve clearly tried to get him to plug in to what is going on around the house/with the kids and he hasn’t. Time to get rid.

9 months sounds doable, it’s 3/4 of a year

Chunk it down and get through 1 month or even 1 week at a time - keep focussing on that end goal - you can do it

Plonque · 01/01/2021 12:29

@Whatsalot897

I completely agree with you Plonque and that’s how it sounds to me too he charmed me to get a replacement housekeeper and once he had me his true self showed through. My priority is making sure I can provide a safe and stable environment for my children which is why I am not rushing as they don’t need to suffer, and they adore him so it will be hard for them as it is. I feel the prostitution remark is a bit harsh but I asked for opinions so I have to accept them all regardless.

Please don't accept what sinful said, I have seen them write very inflammatory stuff on quite a few posts this morning. It's clearly just someone up for a lark rather than someone sharing their genuine opinions.

NotSorry · 01/01/2021 12:29

The prostitution comment was disgusting and unnecessary

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 12:33

It’s fine as she failed to offend me with her comment, I am waiting so I can ensure the best home life for my children as if I was single I would be gone. If she feels getting my ducks in a row so I can do that is prostitution that’s fine, I would do whatever for my children as every mother does so if they don’t understand a mother’s need to protect every aspect of there child’s well-being that’s more on them than me right now

OP posts:
Horsemad · 01/01/2021 12:38

Well said OP, get your head down, scrimp and save to get those debts paid off, check what you're entitled to and PLAN! Flowers

Would your parents be able to help out financially at all, just so you could get on with it faster?

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 12:41

My parents unfortunately can’t help financially but provide unlimited support and help so have offered to help with childcare so I don’t have to get a childminder for kids when I work, I am very lucky to be in that position which is why moving to a cheaper house is harder as I love very close to my parents

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 12:41

Live very close

OP posts:
Phoenix21 · 01/01/2021 12:42

Have you worked out how much money he and his DC are costing you? Is it possible that you might have more money when he leaves?

Or would it be the loss of his financial contribution causing an issue? (That’s not a criticism btw, but it doesn’t sound like he is covering his own cost, ergo you might not be worse off)

Horsemad · 01/01/2021 12:43

Are you able to increase your hours/work overtime? Consolidate debts?

DrManhattan · 01/01/2021 12:47

Just bide your time until you can leave. Save up as much as you can and make plans for the future. Good luck xx