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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my DH

120 replies

Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 09:24

He isn’t a bad person and will do anything for me and spoils me but he just isn’t the person I fell in love with and I feel myself shudder when he touches me. He has put on 25kg in 2 years, insists on having his kids here 50/50 but when they are does nothing with them ever and makes excuses to pop out for hours leaving them with me- doesn’t contribute towards the additional food etc I am expected to cover it all.
Is lazy and spends hours playing either computer games or games with my kids on devices then do 10 mins of cleaning and say he has helped.
But would it be unreasonable to tolerate it for the next 9 months and I am in a position financially to leave to him but we on count down until then

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/01/2021 12:53

Pursue your plan and in the meantime keep reminding him he needs to pay for food for his kids and do their washing if he wants it done.

SpiderGwen · 01/01/2021 12:57

Good luck, OP.

2020isalmosthindsight · 01/01/2021 12:59

Guessing he has his kids 50% of the time so he doesn't have to pay child support ... and dump all the work on you.

Stop cooking for him.
Stop doing their laundry.
Stop picking up after him and his kids.
Tell him to get off his fat arse and do it himself.
And tell him if he leaves, they go with him. No more dumping his kids on you.

blablablaa · 01/01/2021 13:02

You sound awesome OP and you deserve way better than this loser.
I understand staying to get your ducks in a row but I think you should stop spending a penny on him/his kids so that you may be able to get out faster. Dont even bother saying it to him just dont do it and if he asks say his kids-his responsibilities and walk away. Disengage and ignore. He isn't worth the argument and since you don't care about a future with him it doesnt matter how he feels about it. You know he is taking the piss and if not spending any further on them can ensure you can leave him a few months earlier then its worth having the difficult moment

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 13:03

I already work full time so 37.5 hours and my youngest has some additional needs so wouldn’t want to stress him out by changing routines or being with him less.

OP posts:
blablablaa · 01/01/2021 13:04

Oh and yes to not watching his kids for him. Either go out when they come or go into your room and refuse to engage . Youre not his nanny!

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 13:12

While that sounds easy I can’t live in a house with kids 50% and see them go without, regardless they are children so shouldn’t suffer for him. I will make a point of the day before they come he needs to shop get additional packed lunch stuff, dinner stuff etc. Hair cuts (when open) etc will be booked for days they are not here

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2021 13:17

I would stop doing his laundry too!!

What an utter man child Angryhis poor DC, they must feel like crap that he does so little with or for them.

Thanks
IseeIsee · 01/01/2021 13:18

Stop doing anything for the kids. If he leaves ring him to say you are heading out. There is little point in saying anything to him just do it. You think children will suffer but he will step up when forced to , like he did when you were dating. He is taking advantage of you because he can, take that away from him. Actions speak louder than words.

Jux · 01/01/2021 13:21

Can you put a definite amount to how much extra he is costing you - food, bills, children etc? What would happen in you presented him with a weekly/monthly bill?

Seriously, yes get your ducks in a row and then dump him.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 13:25

When my dm had a bf with dc whenever he buggared off out (hours / few days - she never knew how long for) she shoved them in a taxi to his dps....

TatianaBis · 01/01/2021 13:28

Presumably you would pay your debts off more quickly if he actually contributed fairly for his kids.

First step in the new year, read him the riot act about paying for his own kids.

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 13:28

He also borrowed a few thousand pounds from my personal savings that will be paid off within 6 months which I want back too as if I need to move that would help massively

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 01/01/2021 13:29

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

When my dm had a bf with dc whenever he buggared off out (hours / few days - she never knew how long for) she shoved them in a taxi to his dps....
I like her style. On his credit card I hope.

Still not very fun for the kids.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 13:31

@Whatsalot897

He also borrowed a few thousand pounds from my personal savings that will be paid off within 6 months which I want back too as if I need to move that would help massively
Oh for...
randomer · 01/01/2021 13:32

Most men are very lazy until you challenge them.

HermioneWeasley · 01/01/2021 13:32

I’m not sure what your definition of “bad person” is? Is it because he’s not a criminal?

He’s lazy and selfish - these are not attractive characteristics. Bin him

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/01/2021 13:42

Why do you have savings that you’re lending out when you’re in debt?

I wouldn’t start saving if you plan to divorce, you’ll end up splitting it with him.

TatianaBis · 01/01/2021 13:42

@Whatsalot897

He also borrowed a few thousand pounds from my personal savings that will be paid off within 6 months which I want back too as if I need to move that would help massively
You can add the loan to the riot act (altho I doubt you’ll see it again tbh).

Do you have evidence of the loan? You may be able to get it back in the divorce.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 01/01/2021 13:43

I am sure dm would not have sent the fare. Dgps would have had to pay..

Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 13:47

The savings were to pay off the debt in one go and yes I have it in writing and payments already made back towards it, there is a log of every penny he borrowed and has paid back

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsalot897 · 01/01/2021 13:54

I am saving to pay off the debt in full which I future he will be unaware of and the money he pays back he will think will be used to pay it off so in the case of a divorce I would have no savings to share but would in fact just have no debts.
What he pays me back now will be saved at my mums for a ‘bumper’ fund when able

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 01/01/2021 14:04

You do realise that when you say he spoils you with stuff he is actually spoiling you with your own money because you subsidise him by covering his additional expenses?

SuperHighway · 01/01/2021 14:18

You started with this: He isn’t a bad person and will do anything for me and spoils me, but and then detail the many ways that he is a bad person, won't do anything for you and spoils you with your own money! I expect wanting his DC 50% is more to do with reduced or zero maintenance payments than wanting to spend time with them, as he patently doesn't want to spend time with them. You would be well rid of him IMO.

ThingsNeverChange · 01/01/2021 14:19

If you feel you’ll be happier without him in your life you need to do it. Do it when you’re able and enjoy your life without him in it.

I wish you and your children the best of luck and happiness.