AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

Sure, and as I said I think the OP is perfectly entitled to say no if she doesn't want to do it. I was just saying why people feel that the SD losing her job is a more likely prospect. I've been WFH since March and from March to June did it while having no childcare for my toddler and had to work until midnight (and from 6am) every night to get through; it was fucking brutal and I totally get why OP doesn't want to do it for someone else's children. But it is possible in a way that it isn't if you work out of the home.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

Don't you feel sad for OP who has been having to work late at night to catch up and has deadlines to meet?

Not sad, no. It’s hard juggling. I get it. I’ve done it. But not as hard as being on the precipice of losing it all and knowing you have no safety net. No partner to support you. No kids father to fall back on. I think that just be particularly hard to grapple with at the moment.

‘Her children, her problem.*

How lovely. No of course the OP doesn't have to have them (how often does something so obvious need to be pointed out? hmm) but you know that's what families do sometimes, they inconvenience themselves to help out in a pinch so their family member and her kids don't become destitute. But hey ho this family members tired so who gives a fuck. Nice. Doesn't this pandemic just bring the best out of everyone.’

Regardless of whether you think the sentiment is nice or not, it’s entirely true. ‘Family’ is not an automatic entitlement to the time or resources of someone else. The OP does not want to care for the children any more than she already has, indeed she fees unable to. She is being perfectly reasonable in saying no.

Apparently the children not being her responsibility does need to be repeatedly pointed out, given the amount of posters that seem to think they are.

Op is also vulnerable to job loss-doesn't that matter because she's not a single mum?

I think generally it matters less. When you have a partner who can pick up some of the slack and you don’t have dependent DC then job loss tends to leave you less precarious. That’s not to say it’s not difficult but none of this is easy.

Op has said that there is no one else-perhaps that is only what her SD has told her?. Or maybe her mum and the DCs’ father are dead. We don’t know because the OP chose not to say. We can only work on the basis of the scant info given.

I think generally it matters less. When you have a partner who can pick up some of the slack and you don’t have dependent DC then job loss tends to leave you less precarious.

I would argue that relying on your partner leaves you very precarious. The relationship goes south and your support goes with it

As I said earlier, we don't have family we can ask to help out very easily. My DM is 81 and vulnerable and our other family members I could ask live a long distance away.

Why is it so hard to accept that not everyone has a lot of family living near them?

Goodness, it sounds like it doesn't matter if the OP loses her job to you Pegasus, and she should put up and shut up. Do you hate stepmothers or non single mothers?

YANBU. You also have a job. My husband used to volunteer me for stuff all the time, we are now divorced. There were a number of reasons we split up, his lack of respect for me was one of them. Why is her job a priority over yours? Her children = her problem. Zero chance of me staying up doing work until the early hours as someone dumped their children on me

Just read a post saying 'it depends'. None of this 'depends'.

Step-grandma is not obliged to take on childcare of her husband's grandchildren.

Husband has no right to his wife's time and energy
Particularly without asking.

YANBU. Tell them.

You’re DH needs to look after them, if he insists.

I actually think that OP has the perfect right to say no, but realistically unless OP is already in performance management it's quite unlikely that she'll be sacked for a week of sub-optimal performance in a job that she describes as flexible enough that it can be done in the evening, whereas it sounds like the SD would be in the position that she just couldn't show up for work and so that losing her job would be much more likely.

and

Not sad, no. It’s hard juggling. I get it. I’ve done it. But not as hard as being on the precipice of losing it all and knowing you have no safety net.

The lack of empathy for a SM on this thread is hardly surprising but it's still disappointing.

I don't know if she has her own DC or not, let's assume she doesn't. Why the fuck should she exhaust herself, and work evenings and into the night when her DP has volunteered her to do so? What's his contribution to this? Can we assume he's doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping so that OP can do her full time job as well as caring for some children?

He'd be my Ex-DP if he volunteered me for this knowing I'm exhausted and then fucking off to his job.

would argue that relying on your partner leaves you very precarious. The relationship goes south and your support goes with it hmm

Yes of course, if you don’t have any income I absolutely agree that relying on a partner is foolish, but in this instance I’m talking about the security of having dual incomes and how that provides a safety net in case of job loss.

As the main earner I find life enormously less stressful thanks to DH also having an income and all things being equal someone with a partner who earns is likely in a better financial position if they lose their job than someone who is not.

@Fuckingcrustybread

Continuity of your online identify is normal in the vast majority of forums (facilitated through avatars and signatures, which helps you recognise people). It stops you wasting time and gives additional context to what you’re reading. I don’t think it’s cruel in the slightest.

@Greenfingeredsue

She cried.

Crying. Manipulative weapon of choice for some women.

Absolutely not on to cry because you can’t look after your own children.

Don’t be manipulated, Op.

I would have them, if I were in your position. The stepfamily issue is a red herring IMO, we're all under pressure because of the pandemic chaos and families need to do all they can to pull together. They would be eating junk in front of the idiot box all day, and DH would have to be assiduous about taking over as soon as he gets home/sorting dinner/laundry etc so I could catch up on my work obligations - but one way or another, I would have them so that DSD could go to work.

While I am sympathetic to anyone who had been trying to juggle work/looking after children and potential job loss I can't help but think everyone will be worse all round if the SD loses her job.

It was wrong of your DH to commit to this without talking to you, but personally if I could help I would, even if that meant saying the kids will spend all day in front of the TV and I won't be doing any homeschooling.

"Yes of course, if you don’t have any income I absolutely agree that relying on a partner is foolish, but in this instance I’m talking about the security of having dual incomes and how that provides a safety net in case of job loss."

Maybe Op & her husband, like many need both of their incomes to live on?

So the loss of either could mean the loss of the house, just as with the SD?

@BarbaraofSeville

Why can't the children's father, the four grandparents, any siblings and their partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends or even paid childcare or the DSD herself while working at home look after these children.

Are all these options really not available, even on a rota basis? Or have they just all said no? So why is it down to the OP to be the one who says yes, even though she's also working so not available.

Exactly. Where are all of those people?

YANBU Your DH volunteers he then steps up and looks after them. Why is it always the woman that has to care for the children.

I think generally it matters less. When you have a partner who can pick up some of the slack and you don’t have dependent DC then job loss tends to leave you less precarious. That’s not to say it’s not difficult but none of this is easy.

This is a silly argument. There are loads of people who would be worse off if they lost their jobs than I would be, but there is almost no one that I would volunteer to lose my job for, and I don't think many other people can honestly, hand on heart say they would either.

@PegasusReturns you weren’t deleted for using the word miserable.

You were deleted because you’ve gleefully brought up another thread as a stick with which to beat OP because you’re weirdly over-invested and aren’t happy that she’s not doing what you think she should.

Thought that was fairly obvious.

And all you heartless people saying crying was emotion manipulation. Maybe she was crying because you know, she's at the end of her tether and scared of losing her job? I manage people who have cried over this, fortunately where we work I can be flexible in my expectations. But Christ, many of us have been driven to tears this year.

I wouldn't throw my 20 year career away for this. If the worst comes to the worse, I'm sure they will support DSD while she finds another job.

Incidentally, I don't think we should be bringing up the other thread but if people are going to it makes the DH look as big an arse as OP so I don't know why he's getting the benefit of the doubt and she's not.

@Icenii

Goodness, it sounds like it doesn't matter if the OP loses her job to you Pegasus, and she should put up and shut up. Do you hate stepmothers or non single mothers?

Gosh that response is al it’s deserving of the MN head tilt “are you ok” response

I quite clearly don’t think it doesn’t matter if OP loses her job. I’ve acknowledged that the situation is difficult for everyone.

But yes I do think all things being equal, losing a job as a single mother is more stressful than losing a job when your partner works and there are no dependent DC. I’m surprised that is controversial, but get this is MN.

In any event it’s unlikely to come to that because my bet is the DC concerned are 11 years old and would be perfectly content watching TV all day if only the OP could cope with the distraction. I guess we’ll never know.

Of course I don’t hate non single mothers for a start I am one. However I can recognise that for many single mothers without support life can be a bit shit.