Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let strangers in my bedroom and bed?

119 replies

nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:04

Have nc'ed just incase.

I had been in hospital for 3 days with confirmed influenza A. I've never felt so poorly (get your flu jabs!!) I was discharged with a 2 week sick note and told by the dr not to go back to work earlier as I could still be contagious in this time.

At the time I lived between my parents and my DP's parents 50/50. As I was poorly I stayed home after being discharged. Once home I was absolutely wiped out, totally exhausted and still felt pretty grotty.

My mum came in my room and told me that she had invited her friends who live abroad to come and stay as they had a chemotherapy appointment to attend at a nearby hospital. I don't know the friends, and it's a 2 bed house! I said well where are they going to go?

Turns out my mum wasn't counting on me being home 100% of the time recovering and wanted me to give up my bedroom and my BED for this couple!! She wanted me to sleep on the couch.

I was angry and also disgusted at the thought of gross strangers being in my bed and in my room with all my things. I said no, I'm poorly and that's besides the point, I don't want people in my room with my things and in my bed. (Bed, mattress and furniture all my own, not purchased by my parents).

I said they can afford a travel lodge and told my mum she was out of order, I'm not doing that.

It really affected our relationship, she got very huffy about it and ended up being annoyed as she had already invited them. I don't even understand why someone undergoing chemo would want to come in a house where someone is recovering from influenza A.

Lots of past history with my parents being a nightmare in general, which probably makes this feel worse for me. I have since moved out with my long term DP and life is much, much better.

Was IBU to put my foot down? My mother still certainly thinks so.

OP posts:
Daisydoesnt · 31/12/2020 10:09

OP just so I understand, you were living half at your parents house and half with your partner's parents at the time? How old were you?

I think it's fair enough that your parents invited friends to stay at their house (if it was so they could have chemo treatment, that's a very good reason too - much, much nicer than staying in a travelodge) but I do think its very off they didn't ask you first.

steppemum · 31/12/2020 10:10

this all sounds like it was a long time ago?

On the one hand it is easy to say, YANBU, that should not have happened and if that is what they wanted they should have asked you first. Also, I bet they never told the couple coming that you were infectious.

But on the other hand I am wondering why this is bothering you now? Has something stirred this up? Are you trying to work out your relationship with your parents? What has happened for this to resurface?
I ask this, not becuase you need to put the answers on here, but because with these things, letting htem go and moving on is helpful for us as adults, so what is stopping you from doing that?

inquietant · 31/12/2020 10:13

Your reaction seems very strong in terms of them being 'gross' rather than it being annoying/inconvenient.

Also if you were ill - anyone having chemo really shouldn't be mixing with you!

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 10:13

You’re ill, just out of hospital and she wants you to sleep on the settee? YANBU.

I appreciate the friend is also ill and so the settee is not suitable for them either, so it would have to be a Travelodge for them,

BigBadVoodooHat · 31/12/2020 10:15

I was angry and also disgusted at the thought of gross strangers being in my bed and in my room with all my things.

Fair enough if you don’t like the idea of people in ‘your’ (part-time) room, but why are they ‘gross’?

‘Gross strangers’ makes you sound like a silly petulant brat.

Original poster
nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:16

No not a long time ago, it was 2 years ago. I was 22.

50/50 between each house wasn't quite right. I lived about 4/5 days at home through the week then would stay Friday, sat, sun with my DP... it differed each week.

OP posts:
ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 10:16

I’d hate the thought of anyone sleeping in my bed too. And yes, I do know that I am therefore BU to ever stay at a hotel!

123rd · 31/12/2020 10:16

Is this a situation that's happening now? Or as PP said, historic?

Theunamedcat · 31/12/2020 10:16

Well its your own personal bed of course its grim to be expected to hand it over for everyone and anyone

bridgetreilly · 31/12/2020 10:16

I mean, obviously she is being unreasonable. And at the moment it would also be illegal. And you’re right, it’s medically really stupid.

But the bigger deal seems to be your ongoing relationship with them.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 31/12/2020 10:17

Your Mum cares more about being seen as a generous host and an accommodating friend than she does about your comfort and health.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/12/2020 10:19

This all happened two years ago?

custardbear · 31/12/2020 10:19

So you actually lived at home - it was unaCceptable.
Also why was
Someone from abroad
Coming to the UK for
Chemotherapy?! If they live abroad,
Get healthcare abroad too!

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 31/12/2020 10:20

Regardless of you being in hospital, YANBU. I would hate my bed and bedroom being handed out to anyone, whether I knew them or not. If you were paying board or rent, as well, that would be even worse for your mum as you paid for the room.

I still wouldn't let anyone sleep in my bed. I think your mum was in the wrong to offer without your approval.

Original poster
nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:22

It's been brought up now due to my mum and dad being continually unreasonable about seemingly everything. They've made things really difficult and miserable over Xmas. My siblings are feeling 'done' with them, as are the rest of the family.

Christmas made me rethink this situation and to ask if I was right or wrong.

The thought of strangers sleeping in my bed in my sheets is gross to me. If that makes me a petulant brad then fine. No, hotels feel different to me. It's not the same.

OP posts:
AverageContents · 31/12/2020 10:25

You'd been an adult for years, so could have moved out.

It happened two years' ago.

Grow up.

Original poster
nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:30

@AverageContents

I was at home studying, working and saving every penny to do exactly that. As soon as I had the money I did.

I am very grateful I had the opportunity to do this. I think that's why my feelings towards them are so mixed.

They live abroad for a lot of the year so the house would be empty if it wasn't for me, this suited me fine.

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 31/12/2020 10:31

We’re you paying board to your parents at the time? You were an adult and it’s their house. I can sort of see that it was reasonable for them to plan this before you became ill. Since you were infectious they should have cancelled the house guests.

One of my daughters is at university. During term time I freely offer her room to guests. I expect her to feel supported by us in that she’s welcome home rent free in the holidays with open arms. It would never occur to me to ask if she minded.

Original poster
nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:38

@Dogsaresomucheasier yes and I also paid all the bills inc council tax for the months they were out of the country, the house is theirs so no mortgage or rent to pay. I always bought and cooked my own food regardless of if they were there or not.

I feel that's fine if she's at uni, I wasn't though. There's was a draw full of my knickers and tampons next to my bed, personal items everywhere. It just felt like such a huge invasion.

If I didn't pay my way and the bed and mattress was theirs I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 31/12/2020 10:40

I would think it was pretty risky for somebody on chemo to willingly pace themselves in a house with somebody still infectious from influenza A. My son was hospitalised with the same and was very unwell for a coupe of weeks on discharge. I would have thought that your parents could have explained about the infection and risk and their friends would have found alternative accommodation.

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 10:45

Well, you’re right that it was a student idea on the part of your parents, to have someone come and stay in a house where there’s someone staying who has flu. And no, they shouldn’t have invited them to stay in your bedroom without asking you first.

But you are acting like a teenager to use the phrase ‘gross’ to describe this couple, sorry. There are far more likely to have been ‘gross strangers’ sleeping in a hotel room before you, aren’t there?

And surely, your parents would change the bedding before and after their friends’ visit? And if they didn’t do that, surely you would?

So, yes I agree that your parents were unreasonable to invite their friends to stay in your bedroom without talking it over with you. And it was stupid on their part, obviously, as you were ill with flu and it would have been dangerous to export their very sick friend to your germs.

But your attitude isn’t nice at all, essentially as one of their friends was very ill.

viques · 31/12/2020 10:46

Two years ago!

Wow.

Have you looked outside your window into the real world during the last nine months and noticed anything odd?

Clue, it’s global and it kills people.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/12/2020 10:47

two years ago?
I can understand you being annoyed at the time, but you're an adult, why live in your parents home if you don't like it or them?

NotPrude · 31/12/2020 10:47

This was two years ago?!

You need to move on with your life.

NoProblem123 · 31/12/2020 10:48

Grow up.
It’s their house and you clearly had somewhere else to stay. Just because you bought the furniture does not make it exclusively yours ( unless you were paying rent - were you ?)

This whole relationship sounds strained tbh and that you are only there for cheap board, so move out if you don’t like it.

The person should be accessing healthcare in their own county not through the nhs though.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread