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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let strangers in my bedroom and bed?

119 replies

nyenc · 31/12/2020 10:04

Have nc'ed just incase.

I had been in hospital for 3 days with confirmed influenza A. I've never felt so poorly (get your flu jabs!!) I was discharged with a 2 week sick note and told by the dr not to go back to work earlier as I could still be contagious in this time.

At the time I lived between my parents and my DP's parents 50/50. As I was poorly I stayed home after being discharged. Once home I was absolutely wiped out, totally exhausted and still felt pretty grotty.

My mum came in my room and told me that she had invited her friends who live abroad to come and stay as they had a chemotherapy appointment to attend at a nearby hospital. I don't know the friends, and it's a 2 bed house! I said well where are they going to go?

Turns out my mum wasn't counting on me being home 100% of the time recovering and wanted me to give up my bedroom and my BED for this couple!! She wanted me to sleep on the couch.

I was angry and also disgusted at the thought of gross strangers being in my bed and in my room with all my things. I said no, I'm poorly and that's besides the point, I don't want people in my room with my things and in my bed. (Bed, mattress and furniture all my own, not purchased by my parents).

I said they can afford a travel lodge and told my mum she was out of order, I'm not doing that.

It really affected our relationship, she got very huffy about it and ended up being annoyed as she had already invited them. I don't even understand why someone undergoing chemo would want to come in a house where someone is recovering from influenza A.

Lots of past history with my parents being a nightmare in general, which probably makes this feel worse for me. I have since moved out with my long term DP and life is much, much better.

Was IBU to put my foot down? My mother still certainly thinks so.

OP posts:
Hicksville21 · 31/12/2020 11:16

Although I think you sound a bit over the top and childish, one does wonder why your parents could not give THEIR bedroom if it was such a big deal to them.

Sunnydayhere · 31/12/2020 11:17

Quite Part from your feelings, sleeping on the sofa etc etc.

Is it wise for someone undergoing chemo o spend time in a house where someone else has an infectious disease. ( even if you aren’t there will the virus live on a bit?)

As I understand it chemo reduces ones immunity - making one particularly vulnerable to diseases that normally we shake off easily.

When my wife was having chemo we were strict with visitors. A friend of a friend died of a simple infection when she was undergoing chemo.

sproutburger · 31/12/2020 11:23

If that room / bed has always been yours since you were young and all your stuff is around, I can see how it would feel invasive to have other people there. I wouldn't like it. If I was ill I would want to have my place to get better and I think some PPs have forgotten what it's like to live with parents and to see their room as their own, because that's all you have.

I can also see it from your parents' side of not wanting to let down friends about to undergo very unpleasant medical treatment, and really it is their home, but it sounds like they were putting their reputation as hosts above your comfort and their friends' safety.

The main thing though is that you've not moved on from something that happened 2 years ago, but I think you need to for your own happiness. I write this as someone with very difficult parents - are you going to live your life wrapped up in how their words and actions have affected you? Or are you going to move on and be your own person?

Apollo3 · 31/12/2020 11:24

Although I think you sound a bit over the top and childish, one does wonder why your parents could not give THEIR bedroom if it was such a big deal to them

Because it was THEIR HOUSE? Bloody hell

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/12/2020 11:25

@ToniTheDonkey

I’d hate the thought of anyone sleeping in my bed too. And yes, I do know that I am therefore BU to ever stay at a hotel!
I'm the same - I wouldn't want anyone in my bed, but can somehow stifle my revulsion for hotels etc.

And no - I can't explain myself either. Grin

Sewrainbow · 31/12/2020 11:25

Regardless.of the rights and wrongs of living at home etc

Your dm was unreasonable on several counts.

Making a promise to someone before checking with the person it affects. That smacks of treating you like a little child and not an adult. If you're paying rent etc and the furniture is all your own yanbu, she wouldn't make a lodger do the same.

To not tell a person needing chemo that there is potentially infectious illness in the house is unforgivable particularly as they would have been given the sick persons room. This gives the impression that your dm is one of those saviour types who wants to be seen as kind generous and helpful but without thinking through the consequences of their "generous act". So she didn't want to look an idiot by withdrawing their offer after you quite rightly refused to comply. Again she is acting like she has parental control over you still. I had si.ilar problems with my mum promising out my services for free to friends and neighbours etc. It made her feel good and she thought I should just "do as she says".

Given this rankles with you 2 years on and they also bring it up. I suspect this is more about control. You are "rebelling" in their eyes because they cannot accept you've grown into an independent thinking adult.

catmothertes1 · 31/12/2020 11:26

Why are people from abroad coming to the the UK when there a pandemic going on?

NotPrude · 31/12/2020 11:27

@catmothertes1 This happened two years ago...

TipsieM · 31/12/2020 11:27

The thought of strangers sleeping in my bed in my sheets is gross to me. If that makes me a petulant brad then fine. No, hotels feel different to me. It's not the same

New sheets, new molton, new mattress cover. Doesn't seem gross to me at all.

but you paid rent and lived there (except for weekends). You should have been consulted on this.

It was however 2 years ago....

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 11:28

@catmothertes1 This happened two years ago, which is why the OP is being given a hard time for still going on about it.

catmothertes1 · 31/12/2020 11:29

[quote NotPrude]@catmothertes1 This happened two years ago...[/quote]
Thanks!

Did not notice that!

ddl1 · 31/12/2020 11:31

I think she was U to both sides: someone just out of hospital should not be forced to sleep on the couch, and someone on chemo shouldn't be placed at risk of catching the flu. Another solution should have been found.

If it was a one-off, I could forgive her, as the situation may have come up as a sudden emergency and she may been panicking. (And I do think it's a bit extreme of you to worry so much about having someone else's things temporarily in your room, unless they are hoarders or very unhygienic. Being deprived of your own bed, however, is a bit much!!!) But it sounds as though it's one of a series of events.

Why is it suddenly coming up now? Is it that Covid rules are reminding you of what would now seem a very reckless decision? Or is your mother demanding that you vacate your bedroom again.

PinkiOcelot · 31/12/2020 11:35

Has the majority of the people on this thread missed the bit where OP says her parents have brought it up again?!!!
Read the bloody posts!!

LegoPirateMonkey · 31/12/2020 11:36

I would never give up my bed or take someone else’s. I don’t have the same problem with hotels; I don’t know why!

However, far and away the most incredibly unreasonable part of the post is inviting someone undergoing chemo into the bedroom of a flu patient. That is mind bogglingly, stupidly, ridiculously insane.

Emeraldshamrock · 31/12/2020 11:37

It is not the worst as there is a back story of annoying behaviour i could see why you were miffed ATT.
I wouldn't like a stranger sleeping in my bed home when I lived at my parents I'd give up our bed. shared double with Dsis
It sounds like your DM wasn't thinking straight considering you had flu and her guest was having chemotherapy.
Put it behind you.

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 11:41

I think the OP would have had a more sympathetic response if she hadn't referred to the friends as 'gross strangers'.

Confusedandshaken · 31/12/2020 11:44

You are being precious OP. My adult D.C. live here part time and if I want guests to stay when they are away I would expect them to clean up their rooms and change the sheets ready for them. Equally, there have been times when I'm away and their friends have come down for a holiday/job interview in London and stayed in my room.

Lalliella · 31/12/2020 11:51

Your mother was completely unreasonable: (1) to expect a sick person to give up their room, and (2) to not tell a person undergoing chemotherapy that they would be sharing a house with a sick person. She could’ve endangered her friend’s treatment at best and life at worst. Sounds like the friends had a perfectly good alternative place to stay anyway.

If your mum is still going on about this then she is beyond unreasonable. I would want very little to do with her tbh.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 31/12/2020 11:51

@PinkiOcelot

Has the majority of the people on this thread missed the bit where OP says her parents have brought it up again?!!! Read the bloody posts!!
I’d have said about 75% of the posters haven’t read the Op’s comments at all!

I think people have just seen the bit where it says young adult in parents house and just assumed the rest.

Just to recap;
Op lives with DP now - saved up by living in saud house 2 years ago.
Op’s parents had an empty house much of the year as they lived abroad.
Op was worried about her personal effects in the room - hotel rooms are neutral spaces.
Ops mum is reminding Op that she was being unreasonable 2 years ago hence her asking on here if she was.

hansgrueber · 31/12/2020 11:54

Lots of past history with my parents being a nightmare in general, which probably makes this feel worse for me. I have since moved out with my long term DP and life is much, much better.

So you want to treat your parents' home as a public convenience. If you were happy to move out of this dreadful place to have a much better life with your long term partner then go there and stop behaving like a petulent child. It's not your house anymore!

gamerchick · 31/12/2020 11:59

It's been brought up now due to my mum and dad being continually unreasonable about seemingly everything. They've made things really difficult and miserable over Xmas. My siblings are feeling 'done' with them, as are the rest of the family

Sounds like you need to follow your siblings lead. People reap what they sow and someone else deliberately making for a shit holiday would get ditched. Parents or not.

Porcupineintherough · 31/12/2020 12:00

You dont sound very grateful to your parents tbh.

corythatwas · 31/12/2020 12:06

I'd be outraged at the risk posed to the poor person undergoing chemotherapy.

Also at the idea of asking a sick person to sleep on the settee.

Referring to other people as gross wasn't a great idea though, OP. And you probably need to be aware that many people wouldn't find it at all odd or unpleasant to have a guest sleep in their bed so won't necessarily sympathise with you on that score.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 31/12/2020 12:11

Your Mum cares more about being seen as a generous host and an accommodating friend than she does about your comfort and health

This. I don't think it is reasonable to offer up an adult daughter's bedroom to anyone without asking her first and even if OP had been well she is perfectly entitled to say no because she doesn't want strangers in her personal space.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 31/12/2020 12:12

We usually do have guests sleep in our bed so that they can use the en suite, but I understand that not everyone would welcome that and I think it's a perfectly reasonable boundary. It's just not one that I personally need.

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