To not let strangers in my bedroom and bed?

[nyenc]

Have nc'ed just incase.

I had been in hospital for 3 days with confirmed influenza A. I've never felt so poorly (get your flu jabs!!) I was discharged with a 2 week sick note and told by the dr not to go back to work earlier as I could still be contagious in this time.

At the time I lived between my parents and my DP's parents 50/50. As I was poorly I stayed home after being discharged. Once home I was absolutely wiped out, totally exhausted and still felt pretty grotty.

My mum came in my room and told me that she had invited her friends who live abroad to come and stay as they had a chemotherapy appointment to attend at a nearby hospital. I don't know the friends, and it's a 2 bed house! I said well where are they going to go?

Turns out my mum wasn't counting on me being home 100% of the time recovering and wanted me to give up my bedroom and my BED for this couple!! She wanted me to sleep on the couch.

I was angry and also disgusted at the thought of gross strangers being in my bed and in my room with all my things. I said no, I'm poorly and that's besides the point, I don't want people in my room with my things and in my bed. (Bed, mattress and furniture all my own, not purchased by my parents).

I said they can afford a travel lodge and told my mum she was out of order, I'm not doing that.

It really affected our relationship, she got very huffy about it and ended up being annoyed as she had already invited them. I don't even understand why someone undergoing chemo would want to come in a house where someone is recovering from influenza A.

Lots of past history with my parents being a nightmare in general, which probably makes this feel worse for me. I have since moved out with my long term DP and life is much, much better.

Was IBU to put my foot down? My mother still certainly thinks so.

They should have asked. But I would have let them if I wasn't ill. The only reason I wouldn't while being ill is that you don't want someone going through chemo in contact with someone with flu.

I can’t get past you referring to someone enduring chemo as a “gross stranger”.

Grow up and perhaps your Mum will stop treating you like a child.

You sound like a drama Queen, have you never slept in a bed that someone else has once slept in (in a hotel maybe?, I mean think how many people have slept in those beds?). They were not random people, they were your mums friends? Also it was her house, not yours. It was 2 years ago, you need to get over it.

Didnt you ever have to give up your room for guests as a child? My sister and I were always having to go on a camp bed in our other sisters room to give our grandparents or parents friends our room when they visited, that's quite normal?

I do find it odd you think it's "gross".

Presumably the sheets etc will be washed between use etc.as long as you have a decent mattress protector I can't see why its gross.

Based on the fact that you lived most of your time with your parents, it was your furniture bought by yourself and you paid your way YANBU!

On top of that, you were ill!

I wouldn't want ransoms stating in my room either! It might be a bit different if you knew them and weren't at home and you'd been asked.

Randoms

Adult children still staying at home often clash with their parents, it is completely normal.

You thought anyone staying in your room was "gross" (unreasonable in itself as you are ok with hotels and the sheets would have been washed), they thought you were staying at your dp's frequently so your room was available, it is their house and they had friends who needed somewhere to stay and they wanted to host.

It wasn't a big deal then and it isn't normal to continue to dwell on it two years later.

I think the business of the bedroom is merely symbolic of the fact that OPs mother appears not to respect her as an independent adult.

As a young adult I was told by my parents that I was "only a guest" in their house until I began "tipping up for my keep". Even after I did I did not feel I was respected as an adult. When I had to open a bank account for my salary my mother opened the letter, declaring that she had the right to "open any letter" that came to the house. She also used to go through my drawers to see what money I had and look in my wardrobe to see if I bought any new clothes. This was in her quest to try to discover how much I earned so she could get more money out of me for my "keep".

She never found out. I opened an accommodation address for my correspondence and kept my spare money and jewellery in my grandmothers house. Because my parents never respected me as an adult earning my own living I used money as a weapon against them and moved out as soon as I could afford my own flat. My grandmother helped me with the deposit.

It may be "her house, her rules" but do not be surprised when your adult children escape the nest to make their own rules.

I know that some people have very difficult relationships with their parents (I do myself). But that doesn't justify speaking of her parents' friends as 'gross strangers', especially as one of them was undergone chemo.

All she had to point out was that a chemo patient shouldn't be exposed to flu.

Your DM should have consulted you prior to promising your room to friends and it's odd these people didn't elect to stay with their family in the first place if you say they were happy to stay with them in the end. I suppose your DM wanted to help.

However, I think it's understandable that once your DC are full grown adults you might want to reclaim your home as your own. It's quite possible to keep a room in your parent's house which is yours for when you stay but otherwise viewed as the guest room and in that situation you'd need to keep your stuff in one cupboard or boxed up when not needed. Sheets, mattress protector etc can be changed for guests so no big deal.

You're on a hiding to nothing here OP, children must be independent from 10 on AIBU. Even if you were a paying lodger in their house you would have expected better treatment but because its a parent/child relationship you will always be branded unreasonable. Without any notice you were expected to leave the place you were living no matter how ill you were. Yeah. No big deal

OP it sounds like there is a lot more going on with your parents. You could start a thread over on relationships where it would be less hostile.
It might help to talk about it. There is also the stately homes thread that's been helpful to many.

For those asking about people coming from abroad - some crown dependencies pay the UK for their residents to use the NHS. They also pay the transport for the patient plus 1 escort. Likewise, it could be a British resident who is overseas for a longer length holiday / work trip and their appointment is no where near their home. They could also be forces personnel etc.

It’s your mums house so basically she can let who she wants to stay. I use to quite often kick my son out of his room so that friends/family stay (pre Covid) As we don’t have a spare usable room.

@WeAllHaveWings

Adult children still staying at home often clash with their parents, it is completely normal.

You thought anyone staying in your room was "gross" (unreasonable in itself as you are ok with hotels and the sheets would have been washed), they thought you were staying at your dp's frequently so your room was available, it is their house and they had friends who needed somewhere to stay and they wanted to host.

It wasn't a big deal then and it isn't normal to continue to dwell on it two years later.

This. Not a big deal, the only issue as far as I can see is related to you being potentially infectious, otherwise they did nothing wrong. If you’re living rent free then sometimes you might have to let others borrow your room, especially when you have somewhere else to go.

Your “gross” comment is something I wouldn’t expect from a child. A lot of parents would kick you out for good over that kind of behaviour, makes you sound like a spoilt brat. No idea what kind of upbringing makes someone never experience giving up their bed for a guest? When I lived at home I would bunk with my mum or take a couch if we had a guest, it’s 100% normal.

Yeah you’re unreasonable because you should be at least 10 years into your own mortgage come age 18, not sponging off you’re parents.
I can’t even think of any young adults, barring uni students, not living in their parents home well into their 20’s, so unsure where all these responsible young home owners / flat renters are ? but apparently by mn standards any young adult still living in their parents home beyond 18 years should be deeply ashamed of themselves and thankful that they have a home to be treated like the unworthy scum they obviously are, to live in.

Grow up. And get a place of your own.

You didn't own either house so it's not your room, and strangers aren't gross.

However I understand it must have felt awful to feel ousted from your bed when unwell.

I think it's an invasion of privacy. I wouldn't want strangers able to go through my knickers and sex toy drawers.

Do you go through peoples knickers and sex toy drawers when you stay with them MrsHugs? Because that's a bit of a weird way to think. Besides which anyone living with their parents would be well advised to keep their sex toys under lock and key.

@Porcupineintherough

Do you go through peoples knickers and sex toy drawers when you stay with them MrsHugs? Because that's a bit of a weird way to think. Besides which anyone living with their parents would be well advised to keep their sex toys under lock and key.

Absolutely, because otherwise mommie dearest will start a thread on MN entitled 'I found my adult child's vibrator, WWYD?'

@katy1213 you've wasted your own time by commenting without reading the full thread. As have many others.

I'll state again, mum brought this up at Christmas, everyone else present told her she was being ridiculous at the time which made me feel a bit better, I just wanted a wider opinion.

The friend was fine, they were coming for a jolly, all of their family are here, they had many other places they could have stayed, I think they usually used a hotel. They used to have the treatment and fly back the next day, apparently it was a low dose of chemo and they never had ill side affects from it. They were expats who came back for free NHS treatment, this is wrong IMO.

Re the house. I don't know what planet most of you are living on, but not many 22 year olds have moved out of their family homes yet, the ones who have are either at uni or parents themselves. They wanted me to stay in the house as it meant the house wasn't left empty and cold. They would NEVER rent it out to strangers. I own my own home now, they still expect muggins here to go back and forth every week or so to 'check' on it, cut the grass etc, when they're gone for months on end, I don't.

Thanks for the understanding responses, it's a complex relationship, I'm glad I have my siblings who understand.

I'll also add, I say that as someone who watched my brother die a slow and painful death while ensuring multiple rounds of chemo. The constant sickness, change in mood, constantly sleeping. It completely wipes you out. It's one of the worst things I've ever seen.

This friend did not have this experience or anything similar, before you all tell me I'm awful.

Endure*

I do get that some people have difficult relationships with parents, OP (I do myself). But you must have known that referring to your mum's friends as 'gross strangers' was bound to cause a reaction, especially with this being AIBU?