To think this year has been shit for all but especially hard for those with one child?

[yesyey]

I have one child not through choice but we were beginning to make peace with it pre covid. We were concentrating on the positives of endless activities lots of play dates travel etc. Then covid hit and it was just the three of us. I like to think we are fun parents but we are both key workers and working full time so when we were in lockdown I felt awful that dd was on her own so much. The whole year has made me feel so bad. We couldn't even see grandparents and when I look at all my friends posting Xmas pics on Instagram I feel like dd is lonely. I should say she never says she is and we have great times together when we aren't working and she is v sociable and happy at the park meeting friends or happy to play with other kids

I just feel like this year has accentuated all the negative emotions and I feel so guilty. I tried to make another sibling for her but it didn't happen and I feel so bad.

I agree totally that having one kid on her own through lockdown is tough on the kid, but it sounds like you're doing your best and well done for that. I'm the other extreme, with 4 and homeschooling 3 very different and not entirely cooperative primary age kids while chasing around after a non napping kamikaze toddler with a death wish very nearly broke me daily. Lockdown has been rubbish for about 99% of people for all sorts of reasons.

I also haven’t been able to see my boyfriend for months.

I would sell my soul to have someone here to support me instead of having to be there for everyone else.

I am so lonely even though DD is home from uni it is not the same as having someone who is there just for me to be my support.

I’ll always be disabled. My dad will be dead and I’ll just have to keep going.

So no, I don’t think you have it especially bad because you have one child and havent been able to go to as many activities as you would have liked due to Covid.

Get a bit of perspective.

I live alone, I barely spoke to anyone face to face for over 3 months at the beginning of the year. I barely spoke to anyone face to face for three weeks, went back to work for two weeks and will be the same from now until we come out of tier 4 (Scotland). I have hugged two people this year, and only once each.

no, because in the last week alone we've had threads on covid being especially hard for:

• young people who have recently graduated and are living away from their parents' home
• students
• Y11 and Y13
• children
• disabled children
• children where both parents work
• teachers

I've also seen cases made whereby people living alone, people in abusive relationships, women on maternity leave, doctors and nurses, those who were furloughed, those who were made unemployed, those who worked throughout, those whose family live abroad, and the elderly have all suffered or been affected 'more' than the average

By reasoning by the time you've considered all those unique circumstances you're back at the start where everyone has suffered equally!

It's not a competition, and all 'groups' are not homogenous.

Some only children might really have suffered but others could be very happy with their own company and enjoying all their parents' attention to themselves. Some only children might have been happier over the last ten months than ones with five siblings all crowded in a tiny flat with no garden. Children whose siblings bully them or have additional needs that adversely affect them might have wished they were only children. Everyone's circumstances are unique.

I think it's worst for people whose close family members have died and those who have been completely alone.

No I don't think it's been worse for one child families. I have two and they've struggled as much as anyone else, as have I. It's been utterly awful for absolutely everyone in different ways, so I don't think it's fair to rank it. Sorry you're struggling, it's a pile of shit it really is
^this^
I’ve got 3. For the first couple of weeks they got on ok and then it got progressively worse. Some days it’s been like world war 3 here and absolutely horrendous.

The Christmas holidays have been similar. The first few days were lovely. Lots of singing, dancing, board games etc. Today, they are just absolutely fed up of each other, rowing, agrevating each other, generally just trying to piss each other off. It’s really hard work and I do think the eldest one wishes she was an only child sometimes.

It’s hard for everyone in different ways. My brother has one baby and spent most of the year furloughed, with the baby in nursery 3 days a week since September, moaning how hard his life is. Meanwhile, Dh and I are both working full time and trying to juggle 3 dc, 2 with Sen and now battling with having to homeschool again. It’s really hard to stop myself comparing our lives. What’s the saying, comparison is the thief of all joy?

It's not a competition. Lots of people are having a bad time.

This is about your difficulties with coming to terms with having one child. Not all siblings get on and multiple children come with their own set of challenges.

I’m sorry that you are struggling but the ‘people in my particular situation have it worse’ threads are getting tedious.

DS is 5 and it has been tough for him. He is vey sociable and he misses seeing his friends. We are in tier 3 and he is looking forward to seeing his school friends next week

I’m an only child and so is my young teen DD. Lockdown has been fine for her. It all depends on the child and age. DD loves being an only child or so she tells me. She says she likes her own company too.

I’m pretty sick of all the only child negativity to be honest. I was always happy. Had friends and also liked my own space.

This is more about you projecting your feelings onto your daughter.

No I think it’s been worse for disabled children/adults who can’t understand what’s happening and have had their care provisions slashed and messed up. This has a knock on effect on well-being of families / Carers. Seeing this pandemic through with one child sounds like a fucking utopia to me.

Anyway. It’s not a competition. Lots of people have suffered.

My DS 16, another only, was yelling at the news today. He will be going back into school, and it’s likely his school will open on the 4th for exam years (private). But he is incensed that ”Boris” is yet again ruining his life. He is bored to tears (literally), missing his friends and spends most late evenings on Fifa not really playing but chatting with his group of friends. He is struggling to settle into revision for mock GCSEs later this month and disheartened by the threat of the summer exams being cancelled.
Teenagers are highly social creatures even if they are totally unsocial at home. I feel for anyone with teenagers at the moment particularly those who are only ones. DS was so much easier to keep entertained preteens.

pluses and minuses like every situation... just one to keep occupied, no fights, less cleaning etc. At times they get lonely and so on.

YABU. It's not a competition. I have a 16 year old who missed out on GCSEs, prom etc. Hes feeling pretty low. And a 7 year old with profound and multiple disabilities and SEN who is missing out on his (already limited) social interaction with his peers. It's been awful for both. But we haven't lost anyone, and we aren't facing this alone and I am still working. I consider us fortunate.

for you, I recognise those feelings from a time of secondary infertility. I suspect covid is exacerbating a lot of the anxieties you had about having a child you didn’t intend to be an only child.

It doesn’t mean you have it better or worse than anyone else, but covid has a way of amplifying all the worries and taking away a lot of our sense of safety and control/mitigation of situations which already sadden or worry us.

Be kind to yourself and try to see the positives in your situation, I’m sure you’re great parents and she will not look back on this time and feel that she missed out. My dd1 (who ended up having two sisters after a big gap) often says she wishes it was just her, but I’m not 100% she means it.

I dunno with this one, I feel for the parents with multiple kids at home at each other’s throats because they’re sick of everything. The constant screaming and fighting must be so exhausting, with one there’s obviously still difficult part but it’s infinitely easier than 2/3/4.

I guess it depends on the children/child, and also on ages.

If this had all happened 6 or 7 years ago when we would have had a toddler and a school starter it would have been dreadful - I'm not sure I could have continued to work because I'd feel pressure to teach oldest basic skills she was supposed to be learning at school, and youngest would have needed almost constant attention. As it is, now they are 12 and 9 things are a bit easier.

It's also been especially difficult for kids with special needs - families having to totally shield, lack of help and normal stimulation. DS has been diagnosed with ADHD this year and the missing school is a problem as he is already lagging behind.

I'm very glad I have my kids to hug and talk to as well as DH, but I am aware it's been a nightmare for many not as privileged for us - I have a job where I have some status, a sympathetic manager & teammates, DH and I can wfh, we have spare rooms and enough laptops, savings in case of emergency and so forth. So I appreciate we are extremely lucky.

This year has been hard for lots of people in lots of different ways.

You are finding having a sole child difficult and Covid has highlighted some of the things you find hard about it. That is a reality for you, but it doesn’t make your struggles any harder or more difficult than those other families face. Recognise people have different struggles and most of them have been made a bit harder due to Covid in one way or another.

People can empathise with each other’s struggles. We don’t all have to face the same issues to recognise that people find things inthehir lives hard. And we do t have to feel that our lot is worse than that of others ...it most certainly won’t be worse than many peoples and it is a little self-absorbed to consider one’s situation to somehow be much worse, when clearly there are so many tricky and often harder situations.

I’m sorry you haven’t had all the children you’d like and hope you can come to terms with it. It may take a while but you should be able to have a happy family life and your DC to have a wonderful childhood. Wonderful childhoods happen in large families and in small families and take many different forms. Do t dwell in what you don’t have or tell your child they are missing out...they only know the life they lead and you give them and you have everything you need to make it wonderful for them. It is your perception that it’s hard for them being an only, rather than the reality for them. Only children don’t even know the way their lives are a bit different most of the time...unless you keep pointing it out. It’s a different life, with some things not there, but lots of things there too that multiples don’t have...it’s swings and roundabouts and you have to make the best of what you have...your child will be able to have a wonderful childhood, as long as you can see your way to it being that.

I disagree.

It's not a competition. You can't judge no siblings against, say, no money and thus no food. Pretty much everyone has had a shit year but competitive misery is not going to help anyone.

This things you were doing to make peace will come back - they aren't gone forever. Hold onto that.

I think I know what you mean, you have to be their everything with no siblings to bounce off, it’s hard and exhausting. ’m so sorry you couldn’t have another but I’m sure she is also so happy with you. I think we worry and feel guilty non-stop no matter what we do!
I have 4 and my eldest two, 20 and 17 I know are struggling the most and I worry for them the most. They are meant to be having the time of their lives, they had concerts, festivals, birthdays, holidays booked this year and all has been taken away. They have friends that are probably more important than family they want to see!! It’s NYE tomorrow, they should be at parties and having fun, they are stuck with us! I know they are sad, I comfort them every day and insist they will be travelling, or in the pub or back at uni in a real way rather than all online soon. My two younger ones are ok, they still see their friends at school, they have some kind of life!
It’s blooming tough, I hope for all of us it’s gets better pretty damn quick! But be kind to yourself, I’m sure you are doing a great job.

YABVU

@NiceGerbil

It's not a competition. Lots of people are having a bad time.

I'm sorry you're struggling though.

This.

Sick of "oh it's harder for me than you" how would you know??

A shit show all round for all.

Bless you, I hope this thread doesn’t make you feel worse. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.

I’m a widowed parent dealing with squabbling siblings and so, so spent. That doesn’t take away from how you feel about your situation.

To misquote Oscar Wilde, we’re all in the gutter, and we must make ourselves look up at the vaccine 🤣

@splishsplashsploosh

Sending you a virtual hug. As long as she knows she's loved, that's what really matters and children are very resilient.

Yes, that.

This year has been shit but also a very unusual year. In 'normal' times your child would have been going to school and playing with friends, along with a few other 'onlys' because there is never just one in a class.

She'll be fine, we will all get over this in time.

All the best to you and your family.

I have five children and DC5 was born in July so throughout lockdown I had to homeschool my eldest three, run around after the toddler and I was heavily pregnant. It’s not a competition but yeah, lockdown was pretty tough.

I’m a teacher but I teach adults. Primary school children are a totally different kettle of fish plus I’m their Mum so it just wasn’t the same. DH WFH throughout so had to be conscious of making too much noise too. Exhausting.

I am sure it has been a difficult period or many but I'd agree that it has probably been harder for single parent families. I don't know how I would have managed with a single dc, at least my two kept each other company while we were at home and I was working.