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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused by the rude email

437 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/12/2020 22:52

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 30/12/2020 07:07

SarahAndQuack Time of the month?

WTFHmm

Veterinari · 30/12/2020 07:16

@SnowyOwlWan

This is one of those occasions where I would just bend over backwards apologising.

His comment that he needed to step away to calm down is an extreme reaction. He LEAPT TO ASSUME THE WORST ABOUT YOU REALLY QUICKLY which would hurt me (I'm too sensitive I know).

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person and bending over backwards to an angry egoist will only feed his behaviour.

I fully expect that he missed your email asking for a correct invoice/forgot to provide it and is grumpy after this error being pointed out to him. Anyone that needs 10 days to calm down after being asked for an invoice that actually contains bank info, shouldn't be in that role and I'd be making the vicarage aware of his aggressive communications and rudeness

I would simply ask your DH to respond stating that he works in the field of cyber security and aims to follow good practice where possible. He's sorry if requesting good security practice has caused inconvenience or anger, but as the payer he is responsible for double checking bank details and as they were not included on the invoice, he was awaiting the requested full invoice for his records. He's sorry that this request caused 10 days of anger, but it is a standard request in banking and so he hadn't realised it would be so contentious
Apologies for any upset caused etc etc.

Starryskiesinthesky · 30/12/2020 07:19

YANBU. The church guy sounds like a real grump!

CorvusPurpureus · 30/12/2020 07:24

I can't believe no one has suggested yet that OP should 'cancel the cheque' Grin.

OP, I think YANBU & the majority have it: the treasurer is a grumpy git who didn't like having his lack of cyber security knowledge questioned. I also think it's possible that he misunderstood the need to confirm the bank details, & thought you were implying that he was going to try to trouser it to a personal account? Which might go some way to explaining why he was so stroppy.

I'd be tempted to offer DH's expert services to talk them through setting up a secure payment system, as you undoubtedly won't be the last couple wanting to pay online.

& yes, maybe wine/chocs to the vicar & the treasurer to soothe any ruffled feathers!

draughtycatflap · 30/12/2020 07:27

Tell him that you are actually both lesbians and thanks for the marriage. Hopefully his blood pressure will shoot right back up again.

Hollybutnoivy · 30/12/2020 07:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable but you have to remember that you are coming at it from a position of absolutely knowing you intend to pay - grumpy git was probably worried that you wouldn't and it would be his fault! Don't waste any more time thinking about it though. Congratulations on the wedding!

alecguinnessgenuineclass · 30/12/2020 07:29

I actually think YANBU. It is prudent to be careful about where you transfer money these days and you did try to follow up. My guess is that after he spoke to you the Vicar phoned up the Treasurer to complain about the invoice having been issued so late, and the Treasurer is now taking it out on you.

It could slightly spoil the memory of the day I know! Try to put it out of your mind, it's done now and it's really just a storm in a teacup anyway.

KatnissNeverseen · 30/12/2020 07:38

@Farontothemaddingcrowd
This person doesn't sound very godly and I would just forget about them. I have had a bad experience with a school run by a church and I think its all about the money with some of them. No offence intended to any religion btw.

RedPickledCabbage · 30/12/2020 07:42

I agree with the majority of pp. yabvu, you knew this was supposed to be paid before your wedding. You’ve stretched it out for no real reason. You could have paid cash in the day but you chose not to.

Just pay your debt and take the supposed rudeness on the chin, you were late paying!

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2020 07:43

If your husband works in cyber security he would know if he spoke to the bank when he gave the account details they could confirm who owned the account.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 30/12/2020 07:44

I bet your bank transfer went through a Confirmation of Payee check before you confirmed it. That would have told you that you had the right details.

I came on here to say this. All my bank transfers now do this. The bank checks that the account name and number match and are legitimate.

Clappingforjoy · 30/12/2020 07:46

Tell them to get over themselves awful way for church people to carry on.

LunaLula83 · 30/12/2020 07:46

You sound like hard work

Bitcherama · 30/12/2020 07:46

It's surprising that someone with anxiety was ok to go through the ceremony and have a honeymoon knowing they hadn't paid for the wedding that they were asked to pay for in advance.

Seriously, how could you manage that? I would have freaked by 18th and taken out cash, there is just no way I could have waited any longer for the invoice. I couldn't have looked the vicar in the face, and I don't have anxiety or go to church. That would have bothered me way more than an email.

MsSquiz · 30/12/2020 07:50

It's like some people deliberately misread a post so they can tell the OP they ABU!

If you thought an amended invoice was being sent to you, why would you then phone for details?
Surely the treasurer should have said over the phone - our details are... please make the payment today if it was that urgent, rather than that he would amend the invoice?

If they wedding shouldn't have gone ahead until the amount was paid, why didn't the treasurer tell the vicar or groom or bride the day before the wedding or the morning of?!

It's a fuss over nothing OP, just forget about it

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 30/12/2020 07:50

Bitcherama

Maybe the anxiety only rears it’s ugly head when the OP is called out for behaving unreasonably?

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 30/12/2020 07:52

You had the details so you should have paid the bill on time OP. All this fuss over nothing.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 30/12/2020 07:54

@Goodbye2020Hello2021

I bet your bank transfer went through a Confirmation of Payee check before you confirmed it. That would have told you that you had the right details.

I came on here to say this. All my bank transfers now do this. The bank checks that the account name and number match and are legitimate.

Not all banks subscribe to COP. Fraudsters know this and choose the ones that don't.

The OP was 100% right not to accept bank details that came in an email without making other checks.

BalloonSlayer · 30/12/2020 07:54

Reading between the lines:

Treasurer and Vicar don't get along.

You spoke to Vicar saying "Treasurer hasn't done x"

Vicar says to Treasurer "you haven't sent updated invoice, and you sent first invoice v late as well"

Treasurer, who may indeed be an arse, but who is a volunteer, in an extremely difficult role, has gone massively on the defensive.

Kapalika · 30/12/2020 07:56

I know the op isn’t reading anymore.

I worked in a salaried position in a church for a few years, I certainly didn’t work there for the love of God. It is a large city centre church and 50% of the income came from bookings (not weddings - these fees are set by the cofe and you can find them on their website via Google)

One benefit of not being a church goer, is clearly seeing both sides!

The MOST Common thing I heard was ‘well, that’s not very Christian of you’, usually with a flounce, or a drunken slur.
@SarahAndQuack it’s people like you the church wants to distance itself from.
Finding a decent Treasurer is a labour of love, being a Treasurer is a nightmare and must guarantee you a place up there.

So I imagine what happened- the vicar very mildly rebuked the treasurer, whilst kissing his arse at the same time (vicar’s are very, very good at this), the Treasurer momentarily lost his aged cool. That’s it!

A good outcome will be a very short email copying them both in - saying you’d like to set up a standing order to the church! Baptisms are absolutely free btw,a £50-100 donation expected! Hth 😀

Clappingforjoy · 30/12/2020 07:57

Dont worry about it now but money is the route of all evil even in godly people unfortunately modern life hey.

MsTSwift · 30/12/2020 08:03

From their point of view you didn’t pay on time then you created barriers to payment then you rang them on a public holiday!

Accept you have been the client from hell! No harm having a cheque book either.

MsTSwift · 30/12/2020 08:05

Ok emailed them. But still! Not your finest hour.

Fivefatsausages · 30/12/2020 08:23

You should have done these checks way before the wedding. I always double check but takes me a quick phone call. Takes 5min
Excuse for another invoice/DH works in a bank etc etc is rubbish. You could also have paid on your honeymoon?

Sorry, just looks like you were trying to manage cash flow and treasurer suspicious. Really unfair on the church and wasting his time.

SpeckledyHen · 30/12/2020 08:28

OP when you set up a new payee at the bank these days the banking system runs a check to ensure that you are sending the payment to the correct account . If it can’t get a match it suggests that you contact the recipient for confirmation.

You didn’t need a new invoice (?) as you already had the bank details in writing .

You were playing for time to pay perhaps?