To be confused by the rude email

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

I don't think you're unreasonable.

I train c of e treasurers, who are volunteers, and would encourage them all to beware cyber crime. We had it in our diocese recently where an email went to a treasurer asking them to pay something urgently and it wasn't from the vicar at all. It's always good to double check.

But in c of e, as it's a voluntary role, it's normally done by a very old stick in the mud male who knows better than everyone else.

Why did you want a second invoice though? Surely you could have rang the church to confirm the details once you received the original invoice and the email with the details?

You knew it was due before the wedding. You should have double checked the details, paid and request a receipt. YABU.

YAB totally UR. You had the details, there was no need to confirm them again. The vicar was right to be upset. You took 10 days to pay for it when it was supposed to be paid before the ceremony. He was within his rights not to perform the ceremony TBH. And you both knew you hadn’t paid on the day of the wedding. You should have asked for the confirmation again on the 17th, the 18th and the 19th to ensure the service was paid for before you used it. Instead you kept schtum and then swanned off on your honeymoon and enjoyed Xmas before chasing it up.

He said he was sending out a second invoice (or at least that is what we thought when he said he would amend the invoice). It is quite tricky to get through on the phone, though that would be fine too. It wasn’t an issue paying at all - but the rudeness is not necessary.

I wouldn't worry about it, are you likely to have to deal with the treasurer again? If not, who cares how angry he is? You've paid now, done and dusted. Don't spare it another thought.

Well, you haven't paid the money when it was due and you had everything necessary. You haven't exactly made a major effort to pay before the wedding day either and now you're saying they were rude.

Vicar is being OTT but you should have just used the details he gave you first of all. If they were wrong then it’s his mistake to fix?

YABU. What on earth did you need the new invoice for? Your DH contacted the church and they emailed their details. I could understand being cautious if the church had emailed you out of the blue looking for payment to a random bank account, but there was absolutely no reason to think that there was cyber fraud going on here. The rude email was OTT on their part but I can see why they were annoyed.

Churches run on shoestring budgets. Sounds like treasurer over-reacted but you could just apologise & move on.

We misunderstood and thought the invoice was in the post. If the vicar had requested it immediately and as a condition of performing the ceremony, we would of course have paid there and then.

Wow. I would not respond to that tbh

Anything you say will be passive aggressive or defensive and I would feel very defensive receiving that.

YABU.

If you had already confirmed the bank details over the phone then why did you need confirmation in an email which, you have already said, can be intercepted?

Who do you bank with?

We have apologised unreservedly for the misunderstanding.

We hadn’t confirmed the bank details over the phone.

You know you should have resolved that before the wedding, there's no IF there, OP.

Sorry I don't mean you are PA!! I meant the temptation would be irresistible following an email like that (for me, anyway).

Maybe a short email saying ''I really felt the need to double check I had the right details. That was what I felt was necessary to avoid worrying on my honeymoon''.

No we want to pay ASAP. I was happy to pay immediately, but DH delivers training in cyber security and so he thought we should wait for the second invoice. I just thought the tone of his email was really aggressive and rude.

You should have paid prior.

Surely you could have verbally checked and just sent payment rather than await another email incase the first one was fraudulent

I think you should have just paid when you got the details. If it was wrong, you would have the email proof of the stated details and that’s where the money was sent.

They didn't send incorrect details though did they? They assumed you could pay by cheque ( reasonable assumption) .

Sorry we have paid, we wanted to pay ASAP!

I have apologised of course and tried to explain. Hopefully that will be ok.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

We hadn’t confirmed the bank details over the phone.

Then the obvious question is why not? If email wasn't sufficient why didn't you call?

I bet your bank transfer went through a Confirmation of Payee check before you confirmed it. That would have told you that you had the right details.

Don't overthink it is my advice. It's done, move on.

Well, you haven't paid the money when it was due and you had everything necessary.

She didn't have everything necessary. She didn't have confirmation of the bank details by something other than email.

I don't know why there was talk of a second invoice. The treasurer should simply have confirmed the bank details on the phone. It sounds like the treasurer caused confusion by not understanding what was necessary. Even if OP did understand she could confirm details on the phone, if the treasurer said he was going to send another invoice, I would have followed his lead, on the assumption that complying with a procedure he was proposing would suit the church.

YANBU. Saw a bailiff case where the man had received an email from the woman to pay her using different account details. From her own email. It had been hacked. The court decided that the man had to pay the woman again.