Just want opinions please

[Moneywoes321]

DP has always been main breadwinner.
In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby.
He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc.
I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity.
My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself.
DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right?
His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.
When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies)
He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.
I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is.
He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit.
I’m waffling now. You get the picture.
What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?

Yes of course. Make sure you get proof of his true earnings first then make a claim with cms. You're certainly not a team in your marriage.

He's financially abusive. I'm really sorry

Invoice the nasty fucker for 4 x childcare... Backdated...

Forgive me if I'm being dense, but how are you getting tax credits if he earns enough to splash 10k on a caravan?

That aside it doesn't sound much of partnership, and I doubt it will change

He should at least be open with his finances. That really is not right and he sounds like (at best) a selfish, greedy arse.

I'd be telling him to get stuffed. What is £13k? WHY does he need you to finance it?

You are not an equal in this marriage. He controls you financially and treats you with contempt. Think long and hard about if you want to live like this. He will never change. Do not take out a loan on any kind of credit in your own name.

Did he fill out the tax credit forms or did he get you to lie, by any chance?

@BlueSuffragette

You are not an equal in this marriage. He controls you financially and treats you with contempt. Think long and hard about if you want to live like this. He will never change. Do not take out a loan on any kind of credit in your own name.

This too

If you are receiving tax credits yet he is able to afford to make expensive purchases at the drop of a hat, it indicates to me that he does not declare his true earnings. If you do LTB CMS payments will be affected by this.

Yes he's financially abusive. LTB.

Also I'd be worried that he's not declaring his income correctly. If he can afford a £10k caravan, luxury items and a £13k gift to himself then I wouldn't have thought you'd be entitled to tax credits. Unless he's racking up massive credit card bills.

If you qualify for tax credits he doesn’t have enough money to spend like that.

Hence the request for a line of your credit.

That’s not right at all. What exactly does he want to blow £13,000 of FAMILY money on?

Tax credits when he can afford to spend £13k on a gift to himself? How?

He sounds like a dick but at the same time did you want to be a SAHM? Could you have gone out and worked if you wanted to? Did you have discussions at the beginning about how all of this was going to work? Has he suddenly changed how he sees the finances otherwise I don’t think you can complain about it 10 years down the line.

Make sure you get proof of his money before you tell him you’re leaving. Also, be prepared to get no maintenance from him as you may discover his self employment stops or he doesn’t declare enough to pay anything going forward. He will have to have the kids though, which will free you up to get a job.

Equally have you tried having a sensible conversation with him about cost of childcare and what he’ll start doing in terms of drop off/ pick up, covering sickness, school holidays, how often he’ll do shopping and cooking etc? Either work out a plan whereby you can work, or he realises how immense your contribution is?

By the way, I’m the much, much higher earner in our family. I appreciate I couldn’t do this without DP running the house and taking more flexible roles to work around the demands of my job. All money is family money and all purchases over around £200 are discussed. She has equal assets in her name (actually, more than me).

He is self employed as what? A printer of twenty pound notes? It sounds as though there are a few questions that need answering, he seems to have an odd attitude to money, both earning it and sharing it.

Hmm. Well it’s not a situation I’d be happy with. Like PPs idea of calculating how much childcare you’ve saved him...

I'd be very suspicious about his income, what has he told you that he earns? You have to declare it when you claim tax credits so he must have told you an amount.

If that amount is false then you are in a lot of trouble if you are on a joint tax credits claim with him which you must be as a couple as you can't claim singly if you are living with a partner/married.

You are not partners in the this relationship, I think you need to get your ducks in a row and find out what he really has financially. If nothing else, it doesn’t sound like you should be eligible for tax credits with a high income.

Get a job, let him pay for the childcare. Alternatively, see a solicitor for advice.

Financial abuse. Under no circumstances use your credit to buy a £13,000 item (how do you have access to a line of credit that large in your name if you’re not earning?)

Find out what he earns, get sight of as much paperwork as you can, by whatever means necessary.

Jesus... LTB but get proof of his earnings first. You'll need them for the divorce settlement and CMS.

I don’t know how the finances work because I’m not involved in them but our household income is low. We’re not married

Has it always been like this? Did you give up a career?