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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want opinions please

116 replies

Moneywoes321 · 29/12/2020 18:30

DP has always been main breadwinner.
In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby.
He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc.
I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity.
My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself.
DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right?
His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.
When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies)
He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.
I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is.
He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit.
I’m waffling now. You get the picture.
What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 29/12/2020 18:49

Say no way to credit in your name. Even if you were married you would be stuck with that debt

dancemom · 29/12/2020 18:50

Who completes the annual tax credit forms? What amount of earnings do you declare for this?

NameChange37836 · 29/12/2020 18:50

You’re not married I take it? Someone with more knowledge than me will come along and tell you what you may/may not be entitled to if you split but something tells me it’s pittance as you’re not married.

Original poster
Moneywoes321 · 29/12/2020 18:51

I would also like to know how finances are tackled in other relationships when one person earns and the other doesn’t.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 18:51

@Moneywoes321

I don’t know how the finances work because I’m not involved in them but our household income is low. We’re not married
Your household income isn’t that low if he can spunk £10k on a caravan and wants to buy himself a £13k present.

Our combined income is around £80k and I wouldn’t do either of those things.

Something doesn’t add up.

Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 18:54

You’re a SAHM to 4 kids and not married Confused why?!

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2020 18:56

Your household income is low because he's not paying himself much and therefor you are able to claim tax credits. He will have bought the caravan using company money.

Whatever you do do not use your credit to buy him anything. I can't believe he would even suggest that as you're not married. He has a bloody cheek!

leiaskye · 29/12/2020 18:57

@Moneywoes321

I would also like to know how finances are tackled in other relationships when one person earns and the other doesn’t.
I work now, but I was a SAHM for a couple of years.

During that time, DH’s salary went into the joint account. Bills were paid first, & we shared the remainder.

I have always known how much my DH earns, & despite the fact he earns more than 4 times my salary, the same process is in place. All money in a joint account, bills (& savings) paid & we share the remainder.

Large purchases are discussed & agreed.

lcdododo · 29/12/2020 19:00

OP I have been a SAHM for 3 years.
Money goes into 1 account which we both have a card for.
We use money as and when we need it.
No questions unless it's a big purchase

Original poster
Moneywoes321 · 29/12/2020 19:00

“Your household income is low because he's not paying himself much and therefor you are able to claim tax credits. He will have bought the caravan using company money.”

I think this is it. We don’t have much coming in.

OP posts:
DropsofJupiterinherhair · 29/12/2020 19:00

If be concerned op that your partner's lavish spending could all be racked up on credit cards, hence he's now asking you to take a loan... Sounds like he's potentially been refused additional credit? If you're getting tax credits, he's either lied about his wages, so you "qualify" for them, or he's taking home a lower amount than you realise, meaning the spending is not inline with his earnings. Either way, I'd be concerned.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/12/2020 19:01

Your household income is low? Or does he just tell you that it's low?

Roo07 · 29/12/2020 19:03

I am sahm with 4 kids for last 13 years, other than the odd pt job over the years. Basically my husband runs his own company, so he works and I spend! He pays set amount into joint account to cover bills, food, kids etc. I spend on credit card and he pays it off every month. He has his own money and I’ve no idea how much or what he spends it on. My life is pretty boring and I’d love a little job of my own but I keep house and kids and he earns the money. It works and neither of us are in control.

Scottishskifun · 29/12/2020 19:03

1: A 13K present to himself is bloody ridiculous!

2: Do not under any circumstances use your credit rating to spend that kind of money! Unless you have a old very generous credit card I'm not even sure how you would do so in the first place given you have no means of paying it back!

3: Start getting involved in the finances ask to see them etc

4: It's family money not his money and he's being financially abusive.

quirkyquails · 29/12/2020 19:06

@Moneywoes321

I don’t know how the finances work because I’m not involved in them but our household income is low. We’re not married
So how did you claim tax credits? You have to know your partner's income if you live together, it applies if you are not married.

I don't believe that you have access to 13k of credit if you are on such a low income and I am very cynical that he has access to 10k. Somebody is not telling the truth here, you need to start asking your DP some serious financial questions and for god sake don't take no for an answer.

You could well be breaking the law if you are claiming CTC and/or WFTC or UC if you are declaring his income incorrectly.

Star81 · 29/12/2020 19:07

Given what you’ve said I suspect he wants you to take out the car finance in your name because he’s in debt up to the eyeballs and can’t do it In his name. Don’t do it.

The fact you have no financial knowledge in this relationship is worrying. It doesn’t matter who earns the money, you should know what is coming in and put each week / month.

Lemonpiano · 29/12/2020 19:10

Holy shit. That's not normal.

Original poster
Moneywoes321 · 29/12/2020 19:13

So this relationship can’t be fixed? I feel really overwhelmed.
I think I’ve just been burying my head in the sand about this. It doesn’t really feel like I’m entitled to say it’s abuse as I don’t have to pay for anything other than shopping/ kids.

How would I support myself if I left? I can’t try and claim housing benefit etc as I’m not homeless. Is that right? I have no savings?
Where would I live?
How would I leave?

This is the first time I’ve expressed my feelings and it’s giving me a headache. It’s like a horrible epiphany.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2020 19:20

If he needs you to take out credit, you can’t afford a £13k present no matter how much he thinks he deserves it. On that basis alone I’d say no.

In terms of the wider issues, you’ve had good advice here. How is he likely to react if you refuse to get credit for his “gift”?

Scottishskifun · 29/12/2020 19:21

@Moneywoes321 it can be fixed but you need to sit down with him and have a very Frank and very honest conversation in which you need to see income/out goings/tax returns/credit card statements in relation to debt outstanding.

But whatever you do do not agree to something which puts you in financial risk such as signing a credit agreement. Regardless its binding and you would end up responsible for it!

If you are receiving tax credits then he is either manipulating the system and books or simply doesn't have the income. Either way shouldn't be spending 13K on a bloody gift to himself!

To put it into context I am a higher tax payer so earn over the 45k threshold, I have no debts other than a mortgage and I wouldn't spend £500 on a birthday present to myself let alone 13K!

EileenGC · 29/12/2020 19:22

@Moneywoes321

So this relationship can’t be fixed? I feel really overwhelmed. I think I’ve just been burying my head in the sand about this. It doesn’t really feel like I’m entitled to say it’s abuse as I don’t have to pay for anything other than shopping/ kids.

How would I support myself if I left? I can’t try and claim housing benefit etc as I’m not homeless. Is that right? I have no savings?
Where would I live?
How would I leave?

This is the first time I’ve expressed my feelings and it’s giving me a headache. It’s like a horrible epiphany.

How old are your other children? Can you go back to work when your maternity leave end?

If you split, he'd have to pay child maintenance. Do you rent or have a mortgage - whose name is the house in?

It's extremely difficult but there are many single working mothers who somehow manage. Depending on your income you'd also be entitled to certain benefits. Sending you lots of strength OP Thanks

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/12/2020 19:25

His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.

It’s not surplus money if you need credit to finance it.

Lookslikerainted · 29/12/2020 19:26

It’s 100% LTB do not get yourself into 13k worth of debt. No way. No way.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2020 19:29

You're not married? Oh dear. You are in a very unfortunate position. Sadly, you been sleepwalking through your own life.

quirkyquails · 29/12/2020 19:31

OP you need to stop burying your head in the sand and ignoring the advice given to you.

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