Just want opinions please

[Moneywoes321]

DP has always been main breadwinner.
In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby.
He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc.
I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity.
My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself.
DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right?
His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.
When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies)
He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.
I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is.
He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit.
I’m waffling now. You get the picture.
What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?

Is this is real (and I have my doubts) then you are in a very insecure position.

You are financially dependent on someone who isn’t your husband; he has no legal obligation to provide for you.

Is your home owned or rented? Are you on the tenancy agreement or mortgage?

@Moneywoes321

I would also like to know how finances are tackled in other relationships when one person earns and the other doesn’t.

Just wanted to add to what others have said, sorry OP but this doesn't feel normal. I'm a SAHM and we tackle it quite differently. We have a joint bank account which DH's salary goes into and which all of our bills come out of. We both have equal access to spend money from that account. If either of us wants to buy something which isn't really necessary, or is a bit expensive we would run it by the other person first. Spending huge amounts of money without consulting the other person would be a no-no for us. Equally, having to consult the other person every time you needed to spend £5 on food would be a no-no too. We're both pretty sensible with money so trust each other. Spending a load of money without asking the other person would really break that trust (no matter who earned it). Equally neither of us would ever expect the other to go into debt to buy an outlandishly expensive gift. Sorry OP, sounds like a horrible situation.

If you split, he'd have to pay child maintenance Which would be virtually nothing because he's paying himself very little.

You don't have to leave him tomorrow. This is sortable.

If he married you, and was honest about finances.

@Aquamarine1029

You're not married? Oh dear. You are in a very unfortunate position. Sadly, you been sleepwalking through your own life.

It doesn’t really sound like the boyfriend is financially abusive, as much as the OP is financially self-abusive. It is highly negligent to go through one’s own life with no idea how it is being financed, and to be a SAHP to four children without being married is just careless.

Frankly, I am not particularly happy that tax payers' money goes to families like yours. Not married, SAHM mum and 4 children? I think you have been very foolish.

On a more practical note, do not enter into a credit agreement and get yourself back to work, pronto.

You've had four children with this man and put yourself and them in a perilous position by not being married. If he wanted he could kick you out of the house tomorrow and wouldn't be legally liable to pay you a penny apart for the children. You need a job asap.

There have been thousands of threads on here by women in similar circumstances, I just don't understand why people are not getting the message.

“Is this is real (and I have my doubts) then you are in a very insecure position.”

It’s such a completely unheard of situation that you doubt if it’s real?
Oh. God.

It’s a mortgage. His name. So I have absolutely no leg to stand on.

To the poster who asked what would happen if I said no to the credit. I have said no and that’s that.
Although I can now see that he’s obviously financially abusive I think he genuinely thinks this is the way things should be. He supports us by providing a roof over our heads and bills paid and I support us by being the SAHM.
What I am upset about is that all
the financial decisions are made by him because he pulls the money strings.
It’s the fact that he doesn’t feel he has to consider my opinion. And the fact that I can’t make expenditures like that as I don’t have the means. It’s a my money, your money situation when I think we should have the same opportunities.

God this is awful op. He sounds abusive both financially and controlling.

This isn't normal. I know he earns the money but this isn't how it works when yiu are staying at home looking after the kids. Call his bluff and work full time, half the childcare and then divorce him. What a twat.

Yes, I think this is right. I have just been, as someone else put it “sleepwalking through my life”
I need to get control of my own shit.

Invoice the nasty fucker for 4 x childcare... Backdated...

Is he going to backdate for everything else?

OP yes he is showing little respect for you, and you deserve better. Being a SAHM is hard, but unfortunately he undervalues it and likely has no clue. I would talk to him about how you feel, but unfortunately it's likely the best thing to do for yourself is to LTB.

It's not unheard of, sadly. So many women are in the same vulnerable position as you.

I'd strongly recommend going back to your job after maternity leave. You need to start taking steps towards being financially secure and independent.

Thanks for all the answers.
I didn’t know that I was in such a vulnerable position, someone called it dangerous.
I’m going to speak to him this evening.

Really sorry you are in this fix OP.

Just get yourself out of it one step at a time. The main thing is do not take out 13k of credit, it will be in your name and if you can’t pay it it will ruin your credit rating.

It will be hard to change this relationship because it is so entrenched. It’s not normal not to share finances if one of you is working and one raising kids. It’s not normal for you to have no idea re money. It’s not normal for him to take all excess money. This is financial abuse. It also sounds like he may be fiddling tax.

First thing is to sit him down and explain you aren’t comfortable taking out this loan and it’s made you realise you’d like to know more about your finances. Start with how much you have coming in as a family. If it doesn’t come into a joint account that needs to change now.

If you don’t think the relationship can continue, don’t threaten that - go and get legal advice and figure out your options before you make a decision.

The first thing for you is to plan to get back to work so you have more autonomy in or out of your relationship. It’s hard with a baby and Covid. But think of what you’d like to do and what training you could do so you can work once the baby is in nursery. If your parents could take the little ones even a day a week that would allow you to start building a CV come summer when Covid is calmer.

Tell him you want to get married at the earliest opportunity, even if it's not necessarily true. I have a feeling his reaction will speak volumes.

If you stay, make sure you don't get pregnant again. Controlling men often find it easier to control women when they have young children and are not in work.

Long term contraceptive - coil, implant etc etc.

Also if you stay, get married

Sounds absolutely awful.
This is financial (and possibly emotional) abuse.

If you want to explore whether you could 'go it alone' maybe look in to whether you could afford to do so, UC / tax credits / housing benefit. There is a helpful Facebook page called Universal credit Essentials and the admins on there helpfully guide you if struggling with processing the information or unsure of possible entitlements.

There must be some untruths going on...when I was a sahm and DH on a low wage, his wage paid bills and mortgage and we lived off the tax credits...we would literally have £40 to spend on shopping!! There was no saving and no buying £10,000 caravans and no loans for £13,000 items.
And as DH wage increased the tax credits lowered so we were still receiving roughly the same amount until I went back to work.... So how you manage to buy such items when you receive enough tax credits to live on screams fraud of some kind.
Even now with 2 wages we get £10 tax credits...and no way we could afford a £10,000 caravan. (We bought a £4,000 using an inheritance otherwise we'd still be in a tent!)

Anyway when I was a sahm...money was all seen as joint...we would discuss big purchases!! I knew how much was coming in and how much was going out. It was all open and joint.

I don't mean you are telling lies...he is. Whether it's telling tax credits he is earning less than he is, or he is up to his eyeballs in debt... something fishy is going on his end.

I agree you need to sit him down and ask about the finances, you NEED to know you can afford what he's buying and that it's legal. (You could be liable for tax fraud if he's lied about wages to tax man...if he filled in the forms and tax credits are in your name)

You're not even married so don't take out credit for someone else's gain. As others have said in your position I would insist on your name on the mortgage and marriage. Do you love this man?

Threads like this are why people think that self-employed people are tax-dodgers who are on the make.

Claiming tax credits and buying £10k caravans? Glad my taxes are giving you a nice life!

You have evaded the question about tax credits OP. He is giving himself a low wage to enable the household to qualify for financial help.
He is making big purchases through the company. He has way more money than he is letting on to anyone. Many ‘men’ do this for tax reasons, and to avoid payouts/maintenance when relationships break down. Hide their money

I dont understand how you can be receiving tax credits if he earns enough to be paying 10k for a caravan? My other half earns a decent but not high amount I earn hardly anything and we get nothing and have 3 children.

partyatthepalace is right.

This situation is not normal or healthy and you need to start by sitting him down and saying you won't be taking out £13k of credit and here's why: and then go on to say you want more equal participation in the domestic finances.

Depending on how that goes you will then need to think about how you want your life to continue.

As a first step if you have four children with someone and are not married you're in a very vulnerable position and you should make clear to him that you want the legal and financial protection of marriage. Have you discussed this before?

If he doesn't want to do this or obfuscates, you need to consider whether you can remain with him. With four children I imagine it may be difficult to work at the moment but longer term this is certainly something you should be working towards.

I would recommend getting legal advice.

You need to look into what benefits you would be entitled to and LTB. He is financially abusive and probably committing benefit fraud.

Nust found your thread, Op. Youre in a very difficult situation. Get legal advice. And find info on your dp’s income.