Just want opinions please

[Moneywoes321]

DP has always been main breadwinner.
In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby.
He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc.
I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity.
My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself.
DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right?
His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.
When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies)
He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.
I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is.
He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit.
I’m waffling now. You get the picture.
What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?

Do not take out the loan, he walks away, you’re stuck with kids and a mountain of debt.

Hope you managed to chat with him OP. My ExH financially abused me for year (as well as other abuse but that's another story). I ended up seriously in debt and it's affecting my new relationship. Think very carefully before deciding on any course of action.

Gambler? Good luck OP. Do whatever is necessary to help yourself out of this. Take the advice given here as you are in a very precarious financial position at the moment. And NEVER hand over responsibility for your future in this way again.

I can’t get past the fact that he is buying things for £1000s on the basis that everyone is fed, clothed and housed but that according to your OP it’s actually your money/benefits that are used to pay for food and the kids’ clothes, Christmas and birthdays. He’s not contributing anything close to what he seems to think he is to the family finances.

Essentially he's buying himself a house and 'me' presents. You are paying for the rest. Stop it.

We spoke. I told him that it wasn’t normal to be in a situation like this.
He asked what he could do to make it right. I said I wouldn’t continue any kind of relationship with him unless we got a joint account and got married ASAP. He agreed.
He said he’s more than happy to go through the finances and that in his will I’m the one named so everything automatically would go to me. I have asked to see this.
I’m considering my options.
I’m not trying to be vague but I feel quite disoriented after realising what’s been going on and has made me consider what kind of person he really is.
I’m not being a fool to myself any more and I told him as much.

This is exactly why it's abusive as you have no control and aren't able to make choices of your own free will, like these:

How would I support myself if I left? I can’t try and claim housing benefit etc as I’m not homeless. Is that right? I have no savings?
Where would I live?
How would I leave?

I hope he puts this right ASAP

I'm glad you've spoken to him but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Keep your wits about you OP. And yes make sure you see his will.

Well done OP, keep up the momentum!

Good update OP, glad the dog has lifted.

Full disclosure, joint decisions from now on and nothing less.

Two things leapt out at me from your posts:

• Your household income is low, low enough to claim tax credits
• DP asked you to take out credit/loan to finance a £13k purchase

You need to be very very careful.
Friends of ours lived a pretty extravagant lifestyle - 2 foreign holidays a year, purchased a large and flashy caravan, 2 brand new cars every couple of years, built a large extension, expensive tastes in clothes, jewellery and household items. We couldn’t understand how they could afford their lifestyle, wife didn’t work, husband in a similar career to my DH. I also worked in a relatively well-paid career but we certainly couldn’t match their lifestyle. We incorrectly presumed they had inherited money. When they split up (another woman) my friend discovered DH was in terrible debt, house was mortgaged to the hilt. Absolutely no assets after divorced, and she was left in debt.

I suspect your DP is in this position - you are extremely financially vulnerable with no job and 4 children. You need to start planning for more financial security. Do not marry him - you could potentially become jointly responsible for some of the debt.

Did you know he had a will?

My second husband did similar things to yours except the money being spent was the settlement from my first marriage. He discouraged me from working by hiding applications that came to the printer in his home office and saying he needed me around to support his business. He spent most of his self employed income on non-essentials for himself. I was left to buy food, take care of all my children's needs run my car and pay for Christmas, birthdays and to cater lavishly when we had weekend visitors which was regularly, at his insistence. This all came from my diminishing capital.
Whatever I suggested in terms of living within our means, he always countered with a 'feasible' explanation as to why we needed to continue as we were....his business needed a chance to grow.....all businesses loose money in the first few years.
It turned out that he is a narcissist and will charm and lie his way through everything because he is addicted to spending and hasn't any emotions or empathy.
Alarm bells rang for me when you said he agreed to put your name on the mortgage, as mine said the same to placate my growing uneasiness but excuse after excuse followed.
If this man didn't seek to protect you and your children's interests from the get-go then I would be very suspicious of anything he agrees to.
Don't be lulled into a false sense of security.

@mumofone2019 has pointed out some things I neglected to also, yes DEFINITELY run a thorough credit check on your and the children's names (not even slightly kidding! Sorry)

Keep a close eye on all post in your name open everything even if you think it's just junk, be aware of who is contacting you and has your details.

He could be genuine, he could be buying time to "tidy things up" I hope the former but please prepare yourself for the latter.

Check credit records, get advice on your own finances and if you were to split.

You could support yourself and dc if you left but I won't say it would be easy, it would certainly be a steep learning curve but women do manage it. "Ducks in a row" as we say on here.

Get as much information as possible BEFORE you make any moves or say so to him.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him either! Be very very cautious

I feel you're being FAR too open with him and he's not behaved in a way that suggests this is wise.

Certainly don't marry him until you KNOW (not just what he tells you!) Exactly where you stand financially inc his debts as potentially you could become liable for those eventually too.