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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want opinions please

116 replies

Moneywoes321 · 29/12/2020 18:30

DP has always been main breadwinner.
In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby.
He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc.
I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity.
My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself.
DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right?
His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it.
When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies)
He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.
I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is.
He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit.
I’m waffling now. You get the picture.
What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 29/12/2020 22:16

Ugh leave him and get the money your entities to
What a vile person

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 29/12/2020 22:16

Entities = entitled

Graphista · 29/12/2020 22:26

He will have to have the kids though, which will free you up to get a job

No he doesn't. Many many men completely walk away from their children and their responsibilities to them without a glance back.

It would be wise for you to get proof of the assets and his income but be prepared to get very little help and support off him if any op.

That said you ARE being financially abused (and as ever with abuse I fear it is unlikely to be JUST financial abuse that is occurring) and freedom from abuse is worth more than any amount of money.

Based on experience with a particular branch of my family I fear you may be married to an actual con man and you're one of his marks - it happens unfortunately

You're not married?! I have been flamed so many times for saying if you're going part time or gonna be a Sahm at least be married and yet here is an op who is incredibly vulnerable by being an unmarried Sahm.

Op I'm so sorry you have zero claim on any of his assets or income besides what cm you MAY be able to access IF you do some good research and get good proof of his income.

If it were a low income he could not have bought a £10k caravan just like that!

You need good, solid advice from a welfare rights and separation advisor.

You need to be VERY careful what you say to him.

PLEASE speak to women's aid before making any major decisions or alerting him to the fact you're aware he's taking you for a mug

DO NOT underestimate how vulnerable you are, if he senses or even knows (from you telling him) that you are becoming aware and he is losing control that could potentially lead to you being vulnerable to physical abuse.

Your and dc safety is the most important thing of all you must play this very very carefully please

Stripyhoglets1 · 29/12/2020 22:26

I know you've said you won't but whatever you do don't take out the credit for him.
Point out you have no share in the home and are not married so have no security. But even if you wee married and had a share in the house asking you to take out 13k credit would be very unreasonable anyway as you'd still have to pay it if you split.
Work towards getting back to work when the baby is older.
On the plus side having no share in the house and bring unmarried means you'd be able to leave and rent somewhere on benefits if you really need to at any stage.
He will avoid paying much in the way of maintenance if he's self employed.

HollowTalk · 29/12/2020 22:33

Please don't ever take out a loan in your name for this man. He could leave you and you would be stuck with it.

mumofone2019 · 29/12/2020 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Petitmum · 29/12/2020 22:37

Have you ever discussed marriage?

mumofone2019 · 29/12/2020 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

AhNowTed · 29/12/2020 22:57

You're in a very very dodgy situation OP.

  1. You're not married so he could walk off with everything.
  2. You're with a 1950's man who considers family income "his" money.

In your situation I would get a job, on the proviso that he
A. Has 50% responsibility for drop off, pick up.
B. Pays 50% toward childcare.
C. Has 50% responsibility for staying at home with a sick child
D. Has 50% responsibility for housework and cooking

Start looking now.

See how he likes that!

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2020 23:03

@Moneywoes321

I would also like to know how finances are tackled in other relationships when one person earns and the other doesn’t.
You are both parents to 4 children, presumably as a joint decision (i.e. no one pressured anyone else at any point into parenthood - and even if they did, it’s done now, joint responsibility).

You as a family need a) income and b) childcare.

How you split that is up to you, but if you decide that one parent gives up their earning power entirely to provide childcare, the other parent should recognise that contribution.

Childcare is not optional when you are a parent. Either it’s paid for to someone else if you both earn a salary working, or it’s paid for by a SAHP sacrificing their employment and pension etc.

A man who is a father cannot earn what a single man does because of childcare.

A woman who is a mother cannot earn what a single woman does because of childcare.

No one who is a parent gets to say “I earn the money so I make the decisions and keep the extra”.

A good marriage/partnership after children is that both adults have equal spending power once household bills and long-term (equal) savings like pensions and investments are taken care of. You should have a pension, he should have a pension, the bills should get paid and what’s left over after everything is provided for you should decide together how you spend it.

Please be careful if you’re talking to him about this because there’s the real potential a man like him won’t be honest or transparent or see your point of view. And you need to know as much as you can about your family finances.

AhNowTed · 29/12/2020 23:09

Also, a man like this will expect you to get a job AND do everything else so it has zero impact on him. Don't fall for this please.

And listen to @Graphista

LouiseTrees · 29/12/2020 23:12

@Moneywoes321

DP has always been main breadwinner. In the last 10 years of us being together I have been a SAHM to 4 children. Youngest is baby. He is self employed. I don’t know what he earns but he makes all the financial decisions in our family, pays all bills, maintains cars etc. I briefly had a job when my children were all at school but fell pregnant soon after getting the job. I am currently on maternity. My partner is able to make most of the financial decisions in the family without consulting me because he has access to that kind of money. For example he bought a family caravan for 10k without consulting me. He found it, viewed it and bought it by himself. DP is up for a special birthday in a few months and has asked me to use my credit to finance a 13k item as a birthday present to himself. I have reservations about that as I have never been able to spend 13k on myself. Why should he get to? It’s family money right? His thinking is that everyone is housed, clothed and fed and nobody goes without so any money surplus belongs to him as he earns it. When I bring this situation up he says I should go out and earn some money, so and so’s wife is a lawyer and has 10 kids, I should be thankful I don’t have to pay for anything (I use our tax credits/ maternity to pay for food, kids clothing, clubs and bday/Xmas pressies) He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does. I’ve told him it’s like living under his rule which is exactly what it is. He gets to buy luxury items such as watches and cars for large amounts of money. I don’t have the ability to do that. He says it’s “work” buying these thing as he eventually ends up selling these items usually for a profit. I’m waffling now. You get the picture. What is the best course for action for me. Is it LTB?
Well it’s not surplus money if it’s being bought on credit.
EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 29/12/2020 23:15

“He says I’ve had the opportunity to earn but I don’t care and I don’t have the “mindset” like he does.”

Ooooh @Moneywoes321 fuck him. I’m a reasonable person and do not fling about LTBs on here very often but for that comment alone you should be considering it. How dare he. You’ve got four kids! And I bet you’re doing all the heavy lifting for them. In my opinion you shouldn’t be relying on child benefit to buy food. Honestly I am raging on your behalf. Absolutely fuck him.

AhNowTed · 29/12/2020 23:24

He also sounds irresponsible with money.

4 kids, a low income, and he wants to blow 10k and 13k on stuff for him!

DO NOT take out that loan.

What, if any access to money do you have OP? If he's "giving" you shopping money and keeping the rest, yes he is financially abusive.

DippidyDoDah · 29/12/2020 23:44

The problem with a man like this is that even if you get a job, it's very likely that he will still expect you to do 100% of running the home and 100% of the childcare.

I have a partner who does not tell me his financial situation and who expects me to do the home and childcare.

He is not interested in marriage but then that suits me because I have a house and he doesn't. We don't live in that house.

I managed to find a wfh job when my youngest was 1. I gradually increased my hours and then set up a business wfh around the kids.

I now earn a reasonable amount of money that he is not privy to. It's sad but he didn't want to share his money with me and do a joint account when my earnings halved so now I don't see why I should do the same now.

Could you get a virtual assistant job while you're at home. Put the baby with a childminder and work while the other kids are at school?

DippidyDoDah · 29/12/2020 23:47

He still thinks that I earn a pittance. I don't tell him otherwise as I'm the one who has 3 jobs, all the shopping/cleaning/household admin, practically all of the childcare and work school hours every day.

AhNowTed · 29/12/2020 23:58

@DippidyDoDah

I'm sorry to say this, but your situation is no better than the OP, except you've found a way to earn money.

You'd hardly advocate this as a life choice, or a healthy equal relationship surely?

No, she needs to avoid the trap of working AND being responsible for everything else, while he gets off Scot free.

Equal or nothing.

CorianderQueen · 30/12/2020 00:04

If you're not married that £13k will be your sole responsibility. That much debt in something for him when you don't have a job? No.

If you split he won't have to pay that debt.

DippidyDoDah · 30/12/2020 00:05

I know!

But every situation is different and sometimes LTB isn't the best situation.

I'm currently happy with my lot. The OP may well find that she is better off LTB. I think she should speak to Women's Aid first before she does anything else.

AhNowTed · 30/12/2020 00:16

@DippidyDoDah

I agree, LTB with 4 kids is easy to say, and absolutely no offence was meant.

As a product of an abusive marriage, financially and emotionally, I wish my mother had left him long ago. But she was trapped with 5 kids. And I wish I was mature enough at the time to give her the kind of advice I see on here.

Sexnotgender · 30/12/2020 07:13

How did your chat with him go?

Monty27 · 30/12/2020 07:22

How did the talk go?

Stepintochristmas · 30/12/2020 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Bookworming · 30/12/2020 07:36

I'm guessing the talk didn't go well!

Alonelonelyloner · 30/12/2020 07:36

OP I hope your talk went well.

I was being financially abused for years by my STBExH. I now have debts in my name of an extremely high amount. I am/was married for a long time.

I do hope you see yourself and children safely out of this as it is financially abusive. No matter what he says. A decent person wouldn't allow you to exist in a powerless situation with 4 kids. Awful. Run.

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