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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being irrational about not so DH?

144 replies

Frankola · 29/12/2020 18:14

I'm absolutely boiling angry and hurt and I have no idea if I'm being irrational or not - I need your help!

I have had a friend - let's call her J - for 5 years. We are really close, our kids have grown up together and we spend a lot of time together.

J is very pretty, however, she likes people to tell her she is pretty, alot. She initiates conversations all that time that encourage people to tell her she is attractive.

This often extends to her friends husbands. She private messages quite a lot of them and sends photos on Snapchat of her in bikinis, gym gear etc. This has actually caused a number of arguments in the group between some of the wives and their husbands.

About 6 months ago I saw a message thread on my dhs phone from her. In these messages he had said something like "I missed you today", from when he had been somewhere with the group and she hadn't been there.

I won't sugar coat it, I hit the roof about this. I told him he was behaving like an absolute mug, fawning over her when she has done the same thing to a number of the husbands and caused arguments. I asked dh if he had feelings for her and he said no. I told him I won't stand for any more inappropriate messages in future.

Fast forward to this week. We had been on a socially distanced visit with them to another friends garden. When we got home it was late and I went up to bed. Dh stayed downstairs.

I have found out that he messaged J again. He initiated it. All he says is he asked her if she had a good night but apparently can't remember the rest of the conversation and conveniently he has deleted it from his phone.

We have had a huge argument again. I have told him I'm disgusted that he has so little regard for my feelings that he would rather mesaage her and cause me hurt and upset.

I'm also concerned as to why he just can't stop messaging her when he knows the trouble it causes in our marriage.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop being jealous or worried?

OP posts:
Gonkytonk · 29/12/2020 18:18

If my husband was flirting and messaging one of my friends, he wouldn’t be my husband very long and my friend (if they’d been encouraging/reciprocating it) would experience the appropriate level of my fucking rage!

MrsWooster · 29/12/2020 18:19

She is not your friend if you suspect her (with some justification, admittedly) of trying to initiate relationships with other women’s husbands. Your problem with your Dh is another matter and you are right to be incandescent with him. He is at best preying on someone who has a pathological need for attention and at worst having /planning on an affair.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2020 18:21

I wouldn't tolerate this and this would be riot act time.

But by far the biggest issue is to ask why you and your friends tolerate this from this friend? She sounds attention seeking and actually unhinged and a bit vulnerable. Sending pictures of yourself in a bikini to friends' husbands and partners is quite worrying behaviour. Has no-one broached this with her? This is so far from normal and respectful and I can't believe people have just turned a blind eye to this and also I'd be quite worried about her mental health.

Actupfishy · 29/12/2020 18:22

Have you confronted your friend about this previously?

ivfbeenbusy · 29/12/2020 18:22

Why is she still your friend????

And if you are so close why haven't you confronted her? Tell her that her behaviour is also not acceptable and causing arguments

StillCoughingandLaughing · 29/12/2020 18:23

Ditch the pair of them. She sounds like an attention-seeking trollop, but he’s worse for falling for her ‘look at me’ routine.

Littlepaws18 · 29/12/2020 18:26

I would ask your friend for a picture of the message exchange. If she can't produce a photo of it you know it's dodgy.

katy1213 · 29/12/2020 18:30

Why are you friends with her? She sounds really tacky.

Xmassprout · 29/12/2020 18:31

Well she doesn't sound much of a friend with her behaviour. Although equally I'm sure it wouldn't be causing arguments between couples if the men told her that it was inappropriate and to stop.

Throckmorton · 29/12/2020 18:33

Ditch the pair of them - he's a step away from cheating, and she is no friend

Levirandal · 29/12/2020 18:34

I’d seriously consider ditching her. Sounds like she’s crossing boundaries a lot. And your husband has crossed a huge boundary. Like you I’d be cross as it’s very clear what she’s like (the attention seeking, the pictures).

Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 18:38

Why on earth are you friends with herConfused

And your husband is a creep.

Milkshake7489 · 29/12/2020 18:40

I agree with PP... this is crazy.

She is not your friend and your 'd'h is treating you horribly.

Ditch them both, you're worth more than this.

partyatthepalace · 29/12/2020 18:43

Bloody hell.

It’s weird this woman has been allowed to get away with this across a friendship group. I would get shot of her from your life pronto.

I wouldn’t assume your DP is cheating as message threads are clearly her thing. But I’d be clear w him that his behaviour is juvenile in the extreme and you are v pissed off / and no further comms. He has some spade work to do.

TidyDancer · 29/12/2020 18:44

Has anyone actually confronted this so-called friend?

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 29/12/2020 18:46

I think very little of the husbands in this friendship group. You're not overreacting and you're very right to be focusing on your husband's behaviour. He could slap this down easily by telling her to stop, not responding and blocking her, and as he is committed to you, that's his duty.

Woodspritely · 29/12/2020 18:47

Can you ask her for a screenshot of the convo? Either she shows you, and it’s innocent, or she won’t show you and then you’ll know it’s not. At least you’ll have your answer. She’s a bitch, not your friend, but you may as well use her to find out what your husband is up to before you dump her.

Rewis · 29/12/2020 18:48

Your husband is at fault cause he is the one that made the commitment to you.

However, I really don't understand why you are frineds with this woman? She is not a friend to you or the other in the group. He is not being a good husband. What is your hundand getting from the messages? does he want to have sex with her? DOes he enjoy the attention? I think that is the key to fixing your relationship (if that is something you want)

Seraphinesupport · 29/12/2020 18:51

She is no friend and your husband is a mug.

micc · 29/12/2020 18:52

YANBU! I'd go mad.
She is not your friend I'm telling you now! She is no womans friend. What would possess a woman let a lone a friend to message someones husband or partner is beyond me.
I dont think I'd put up with it and id be out. It's a massive red flag OP. Deleted messages? Messaging her when you asked him not too? No thanks. I dont care how innocent the conversation is. You asked him not too because it's made you upset. There is a line and he crossed it. Saying he missed her? Why?

lachy · 29/12/2020 18:58

I'd be fucking raging. Deleted messages? I miss you?? No way. I'd be reading him the riot act and I would also be pulling her up on her behaviour.

FatCatThinCat · 29/12/2020 18:59

Why have you continured to be friends with this woman? Is it ok while it's other people's marriages she's destroying but now that it's your turn you're livid?

YANBU for being furious about your DH's behaviour.
YABU for turning a blind eye to hers until it bit you.

RiojaRose · 29/12/2020 18:59

So he’s not telling this friend she’s pretty? Just saying things he might also say to a man? I’m not sure that would bother me if she’s actually a friend. But if you loathe and detest her I can imagine it would be annoying - although I probably wouldn’t socialise with someone I loathed and detested.

supercee · 29/12/2020 19:02

This has actually caused a number of arguments in the group between some of the wives and their husbands.

This bit stuck out. Did you say anything to her about her behaviour as your 'friendship' has obviously weathered this.

And no, you ANBU. I'd go mental.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/12/2020 19:03

This woman is a total dickhead and I can't believe you tolerate it tbh but YANBU to be angry with DH.

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