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Original poster

Am I being irrational about not so DH?

144 replies

Frankola · 29/12/2020 18:14

I'm absolutely boiling angry and hurt and I have no idea if I'm being irrational or not - I need your help!

I have had a friend - let's call her J - for 5 years. We are really close, our kids have grown up together and we spend a lot of time together.

J is very pretty, however, she likes people to tell her she is pretty, alot. She initiates conversations all that time that encourage people to tell her she is attractive.

This often extends to her friends husbands. She private messages quite a lot of them and sends photos on Snapchat of her in bikinis, gym gear etc. This has actually caused a number of arguments in the group between some of the wives and their husbands.

About 6 months ago I saw a message thread on my dhs phone from her. In these messages he had said something like "I missed you today", from when he had been somewhere with the group and she hadn't been there.

I won't sugar coat it, I hit the roof about this. I told him he was behaving like an absolute mug, fawning over her when she has done the same thing to a number of the husbands and caused arguments. I asked dh if he had feelings for her and he said no. I told him I won't stand for any more inappropriate messages in future.

Fast forward to this week. We had been on a socially distanced visit with them to another friends garden. When we got home it was late and I went up to bed. Dh stayed downstairs.

I have found out that he messaged J again. He initiated it. All he says is he asked her if she had a good night but apparently can't remember the rest of the conversation and conveniently he has deleted it from his phone.

We have had a huge argument again. I have told him I'm disgusted that he has so little regard for my feelings that he would rather mesaage her and cause me hurt and upset.

I'm also concerned as to why he just can't stop messaging her when he knows the trouble it causes in our marriage.

Please help. Am I being unreasonable? Should I stop being jealous or worried?

OP posts:
Whatisthis543 · 29/12/2020 19:05

I think he was out of order but wonder if there’s an understanding gap of SnapChat here too. Does she just Snapchat him these photos or does she have it on ‘private snap’ I.e friends only mode? The first is unforgivable, the second narcissistic but it’s not like she’s sending ‘him’ pics directly.

Either way he’s being an arse

Spied · 29/12/2020 19:07

Why have you and your friends put up with Jane's behaviour?
Once she'd done it to one of the group surely you'd all have seen what an untrustworthy vile woman she was.
Our friendship would be over.

Your husband sounds weak.
Not sure i'd be able to look at him in the same way again.

Billben · 29/12/2020 19:15

There is no way I would put up with this neither from a friend nor from my DH. She would have been told to pack it in a long time ago and he would have had to block her number for starters. And there would have been no negotiating over this either.
I don’t care if the friend has self confidence issues or whatnot for constantly wanting praise, her behaviour is totally inappropriate.

Namechangeme87 · 29/12/2020 19:17

Your husband is wrong but also your “friend” sounds like an attention seeking knob . Does she not know how to behave ?

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2020 19:24

I’d be fucking raging but my primary reaction would be to bollock her arse then block her. Highly inappropriate, she is not your friend. She’s a horrible cow and your dh is clearly flattered by her attention. Mug.

UnsureAndUnsteady · 29/12/2020 19:27

If he deleted their conversation how do you know about it?

MaryLeeOnHigh · 29/12/2020 19:30

Isn't it possible to retrieve deleted messages? I suggest you check that out.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 29/12/2020 19:30

I’d be angry with my DH if he did this, irrespective of any provocation/invitation on the part of the other woman.

However, I think I’d also have raised this behaviour with her a while ago too if she has form for upsetting all the women in your group. She sounds a bit sad/desperate to me. Is she married - what does her DH think ?

Hawkins001 · 29/12/2020 19:35

Considering she has previously done similar messages are the past ones just normal types or are they more detailed with the previous people in the group ?

Original poster
Frankola · 29/12/2020 19:36

So, her "snaps" are basically shots of her face or body (think posing in the mirror in cami pjs or gym gear etc). She's also done ones of her legs in the bath or in undies etc. She sends these to people privately and most of the time recipients include peoples husbands.

I know she must have huge self esteem issues however I get so annoyed at how the men turn to mugs over this crap. They've responded with things like "hottie" "I would" etc. I dont think my dh has but this is Snapchat so I wouldnt know. I know about some of the others as she has told me herself.

She knows about the arguments shes caused because she has been told multiple times about them. Her reaction is always one of feigned shock. Like she doesn't understand what she's doing wrong. And it clearly doesn't stop her. I myself have told her it's not something she should be doing.

What bugs me most is that she has no intention of starting something up with these men, she just wants them to tell her how attractive she is. But it causes massive damage to the marriages it affects.

Right now I dont know if I can trust my dh. I feel like I'm just waiting for this to become an affair. I'm so mad that my feelings mean so little to him that he'd choose to message her and upset me like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankola · 29/12/2020 19:41

@unsureandunsteady I know about it because I had a feeling he had so I asked him outright. He said he had and gave basic detail. I asked to see the messages and he has deleted them

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankola · 29/12/2020 19:45

@bluntandtothepoint80 she is married to on of the men in our friendship group! Confused

He knows she exchanges messages with blokes in the group but I think he thinks it's innocent.

I think he sees her as a bit of a trophy wife and likes to show her off so I dont think it would bother him

OP posts:
Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 29/12/2020 19:51

She is not a good friend, distance yourself from her.
Your dh is being a fool, I'd be angry with him too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2020 19:52

I'm so mad that my feelings mean so little to him that he'd choose to message her and upset me like this.

This is how I would feel. It's not that I would be concerned he would take it further, I would think he had taken it plenty far enough (more than once) to show me that my feelings matter less to him than texting someone in a way he knows is inappropriate - based on her past interactions and also on outright conversations about her with you.

I have to echo others though, you haven't said she's a sort of periphery friend. You've said you're 'very close'. Why are you very close with someone who isn't a nice person? Who is part of multiple arguments in multiple relationships? Who is so self obsessed they send inappropriate messages of their bodies then do the faux wide eyed 'omg I would never do that' innocence thing.

Your husbands been an absolute prick over this. She is one too.

Hawkins001 · 29/12/2020 19:53

From the sounds of it, would it be any different if she just added them on Facebook and the men made the same comments ? As it sounds mainly like they are modelling ones that usually get posted in Facebook ?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/12/2020 19:57

Subtly is not my strong suit... so I think I’d wait until the next time you are all together and ask her point blank why the hell she is texting your husband in front of the group and tell her to knock it the hell off.

If that meeting won’t be any time soon, then a group chat with the same question.

With an added bit about your DH will be happy to join their relationship since he’s no longer in one with you.

Lastly, I’d turn on Mr. Happy to have a trophy wife and ask him what’s wrong with him that she has to get her jollies with his his friends.

Warning... this is a scorched earth move and will likely have the same affect as tossing a live grenade into the friend group. Which will likely mean that it doesn’t stay intact

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/12/2020 19:57

Subtlety *

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 29/12/2020 20:00

She is obviously a twat who knows exactly what she's doing, but she couldn't do it if the committed men honoured their commitments. I wouldn't be friends with her, because she clearly isn't a friend to women, but your husband is responsible for his commitment. None of them should be allowed to get away with pretending they're thick and don't understand what they're doing in order to paint you as the bad guy and jealous harridan. Tell them nobody, including them, is stupid enough to accept this narrative and you don't accept it either.

dreamadream1 · 29/12/2020 20:07

She sounds like a disgusting nightmare and he's not any better! Get rid of both!

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 29/12/2020 20:10

She’s not a friend so stop socialising with her?! So random to be in a friendship group where someone is causing issues with married couples Confused

If you want to stay with your dh tell him not to instigate messages to other woman and if he does it a third time then he’s out

Original poster
Frankola · 29/12/2020 20:13

@saltinesandcoffeecups oh I'd love to have balls that big! Smile

You're all right though. Maybe its time I was a little more forthright with my 'friend' about her behaviour.

OP posts:
RelaisBlu · 29/12/2020 20:15

You say:
she has no intention of starting something up with these men
but then 2 lines later you say:
I'm just waiting for this to become an affair

Are you saying this time, with your husband, you think her intentions are different?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 29/12/2020 20:17

I would suggest all victims of her behaviour forward the pics to her dh. Poor bloke.

InFiveMins · 29/12/2020 20:18

Your 'D'H is the problem here, not your friend. She's posting suggestive crap but he is responding to it. She can post what she likes - he doesn't have to engage.

He is clearly attracted to her and was clearly sending inappropriate messages which is why they were so conveniently deleted from his phone. I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

CanofCant · 29/12/2020 20:18

I'd cut ties with her but also be rethinking my marriage. It would make me feel that if he thought he could get away with having an affair he would merrily go for it.

You shouldn't have even needed to tell him those messages made you feel uncomfortable, he should have shut it down immediately.